Your Anger and Your Relationship - I

Published on by CMe



Your Anger and Your Relationship - I

Why we get angry?
Disagreements and tension are bound to arise when we live with someone. The key to a successful relationship is learning to express our feelings and resolve such conflicts, and most of us develop our own ways of coping with these minor frustrations.

Sometimes, however, overwhelming feelings of anger can consume us. These may be caused by a single major event, such as the discovery of an affair, or can be the result of something that leaves us feeling let down on a regular basis, such as lack of attention. 

Causes of anger
Some situations are more likely to leave us struggling with strong feelings of anger than others.

When it's a shock - when a partner does something unexpected it can take a long time for feelings of anger to recede. You may also feel confused and betrayed. 

When it's deliberate - it's much easier to let go of anger when the person who caused it never meant it to happen in the first place. If it was done deliberately or maliciously it's much harder to forgive.

When it's happened before - if someone repeatedly hurts or frustrates us, anger often builds up. You may also feel powerless and exhausted.

When we're vulnerable - at certain times in our lives, during pregnancy or illness for example, we expect more of our partners and can feel particularly let down by them.

When it brings back memories - if we've been hurt in the past, we're more likely to react badly to a similar event later in life. Often the old hurt is reignited, doubling the amount of anger.

When they're not sorry - if a partner refuses to accept they were responsible for the hurt or that you've even got a right to feel aggrieved, it can be difficult to let go of such feelings.

The impact on a relationship
Ongoing anger causes serious damage to relationships. For some couples it can mean almost daily arguments; others are better at suppressing the anger, but this nearly always means other feelings are suppressed too. If discussing the problem seems too difficult, but talking about something else seems too trivial, conversation can cease completely. 

Unresolved anger often leads to physical distance and sexual problems. For some couples, the event that caused the anger might become less important, but the rift it caused may be impossible to bridge.

The impact on our health
When we get angry, our bodies automatically go into 'flight or fight' mode and are flooded with chemicals that put us on high alert. The heart rate and breathing quickens, muscles become tense and senses become heightened.

This state of high alert is perfectly natural - but only for short periods. Living with permanent feelings of anger means the body is forced to stay in this acute state, which in time can lead to high blood pressure, headaches, stomach problems and a lowered immune system.

The impact on our emotions
When we're angry about someone's actions, we can become trapped in the past, replaying the event or events over and over again in our minds. 

They may also imagine or even seek out opportunities for revenge. This can help to increase feelings of power and control in a relationship, but offers only temporary relief.

Anger can damage self-esteem too. Many of us are taught that anger is wrong, so you may feel bad about your feelings, even if they're justified. Or you may try to excuse the other person's actions and decide that you in some way deserved what happened. When anger is turned inwards in this way it often leads to depression.

Learning to let go
Choosing to let go of anger is something only you can do for yourself, not for your partner. It's never a guarantee that the relationship will improve, but it's a guarantee that - in time - you'll start feeling better.

It's important to remind yourself that you're not necessarily letting your partner off the hook or forgetting what happened. You're letting go of the anger for your benefit, no one else's. 

Once the process has started, you may feel clearer about what you want to do about your relationship. You may have renewed energy to work at it, or you might decide that too much has happened and it's time to call it a day.

No one's pretending that letting go of anger is quick or easy, but as you gradually feel the resentment slipping away you'll find it easier to enjoy other aspects of your life and begin to see the future in a new light.

How to address anger issues in relationships
This article is about analyzing anger in relationships, not only the anger in itself but how it grows and how things that shouldn't expand and aggravate it do, and in most cases cause more damage than the initial or ongoing incident itself.

  1. Remember that there is little difference between love and hate, but also remember it is a choice, and there are ways to resolve it and not only repair a relationship, but enrich it. Many people think acknowledging anger is the first step on the road to recovery, but in relationships especially in troubled marriages, the first step should always be the understanding that there will always be speed bumps. There will always be conflict. And failure to resolve the situation WITH that person could lead into ongoing pain, even if its cause is not fully recognized or understood. It is ongoing because between best friends, lovers, spouses, etc. there are always good times. These good times can become triggers to pain. Example: A spouse cheated on their partner, and even after the adulterous relationship ended, the former or separated spouse spots a place they went and had a great time with their former significant other, or they see a picture of them being happy together, while initially this can conjure a good memory, it will also follow a course to painful memories. Hence the unresolved issue can compound and lead further to pain and suffering.
  2. Now we go into acknowledging anger. First bear one thing in mind. In a situation involving anger in a relationship or marriage remember one thing. Going alone to friends, family, counseling can be the WORST thing you can do. While the above listed will lend a shoulder to cry on and give you some justification, it is a BIAS opinion 75%-90% of the time. This is because of context. They were not there, they didn't face the EXACT situation, and most of the time we don't tell the full truth. This is human nature, especially involving conflict. Remember it IS a conflict there are two sides or more, and each side believes they are right and competes for victory or resolution in favor of themselves. Likewise, it is impossible and unwise to render judgment or sound support when BOTH sides are not known nor learned first hand. We'll continue the example of the cheating spouse. A cheating spouse is discovered and the conflict of anger and egos begins. The antagonist or "Cheater", may seek justification for their action, initially they can, be it money problems, partners physical condition, or a malicious action taken. Now the Protagonist or the one cheated on finds out, this stimulates a radical and essentially a tempest of emotions and thoughts reigning from Anger, Rage, Depression, Suicide, possible and most likely illogical ways to repair a relationship. It is difficult now, but this is the easiest time to heal. The Anger begins and while intense is not seeded, it has not had time to developed or cultivate.
  3. So we've acknowledged the anger, we know its there and we know its a problem and source of stress. What do we do? Well we DON'T shut it out. We don't take time and we don't hide. We attack it head on. Why? simple. Problems don't cure themselves in relationships, and while giving up may seem easier, in the long run it can cause problems and conditions that while subliminal and not fully recognized can lead to consistent uncured series of lapses.

    Now, how do we attack and fight anger and resolves differences. First step should always and only be sitting down and discussing it. Not only talking about what happened, why it happened and how all parties felt, but also how it can be resolved in a supporting and UNIFIED nature. I cannot emphasize UNIFIED enough, remember relationships from best friends to spouses are worth their weight in gold and not cheap things, there are challenges but they are not bad things, they are times in which the relationship grows like a muscle. it is torn apart only to regrowth and come through stronger. So you must communicate, and never ever provide ultimatums or demands. Address the issues and determine how TOGETHER your going to make them right. Lets roll with our scenario in the example: The Cheater talks to the Cheated, and explains they are simply not attracted to or fulfilled by the love they have wounded, say for reason the "cheated" has had trouble with money lately and is not in prime physical condition. Well these are not GOOD reasons to attack and seek another. But what can be done. Well say the person is not making good enough money because of depression. Sometimes there are wounds that cannot simply be sucked up and brushed off, mental and emotional wounds are some of them. What can the spouse do to be more supportive? Perhaps have a romantic night a week, or be more loving, supportive, or affectionate. Make the effort. Now for physical condition, perhaps a joint gym membership and doing activities together. Point is there is always ideas to come together and fix a problem.
  4. As I mentioned earlier the worst thing you can do is seek BIAS advice. If you must rely on an outward source then seek a professional that you both see at the exact same time together, these people are good, but only if you give them accurate tools.
  5. Follow through. Ok we've communicated and have a plan of action. Now you must commit to it. And remain steadfast. Do not waiver. Remember that actions that are encouraging are far more effective than a kick in the ass or ignorance. But don't allow yourself to be convinced all is lost. And never take the road of a quitter or hater. These paths are negative and negative things never fulfill into positive things. Anger Problems Can Ruin Relationships?
It is an indisputable fact that we derive much of our happiness from our relationships. No matter how successful we get in our worldly pursuits, much of the satisfaction in our lives will still come from the relationships that we have with the people that are closest to us. It is almost an axiom in the modern world that money and fame will not make us happy. We witness the turbulent lives of celebrities and this almost invariably proves to be true. Instead, we know quite instinctively that true happiness depends on building good, loving relationships with people we care about.

Of course, things are often not as simple as that. While we all want to craft loving relationships, the fact remains that many of us are unable to. Many of us are able to make some form of progress, but somewhere along the way we falter in our efforts. Things happen, emotions get hurt, and irrationality arises. In the end, too many things simply get in our way, and we become stuck with relationships that do not fulfill us the way they should.


Anger Ruins Your Relationships
Anger is one of the prime hindrances to loving relationships. It is also probably one of the most common problems plaguing relationships today. Anger serves both positive and negative functions in a relationship. It is important that we understand in which sense anger can be helpful or harmful to us and the people we care about.

All of us, no matter our age, race or occupation, are capable of anger. There are some situations in which anger is appropriate, such as when a friend or a partner does something totally inappropriate or disrespectful. This type of anger is a defense mechanism that tells the people close to us that they have to act in a certain manner in order for the relationship to persist and progress. It is usually a transitory form of anger, and recedes when the situation or act that caused it stops.

For instance, take the anger that comes from when a friend divulges one of our secrets. Getting angry at a friend who “blabs on you” is totally appropriate – your friend has betrayed your confidence and should not have done so. If you do not get angry in this situation, you are sending the signal that: 1) you do not care that your friend has betrayed you, and 2) it is perfectly alright to do the same thing in the future. This is obviously not a result that you like.

Of course, there are times when we can get angry inappropriately as well. For instance, we may ask the same friend to lend us an item, a book for example. Let’s say our friend refuses – should we be angry? Probably not.

In the first place, it was well in our friend’s rights to say “yes” or “no” depending on her personal inclinations. In such a small issue as this, getting angry can be counterproductive, and unravel years of amiable ties. This example may seem to be a bit frivolous, but one is always surprised at how many friendships die because of such small matters.


Anger Problems Destroy Intimate Relationships
Anger problems are the cause of a lot of misery in intimate relationships. The increasing number of anger management classes available is one way society has attempted to help angry men fix their problems.

One of the major problems for angry men is the damage that is done to their relationships with their partners. Often they feel riddled with guilt over things they have done to the people they love the most.

Many of these relationships are filled with drama, crisis and conflict. Here are the common issues that men with anger problems face in their relationships with women.
  1. Lack of intimacy. If your relationship is full of noisy conflict and then periods of angry silence, chances are you are not having a happy intimate life with your partner.

    To feel intimate with someone you have to be able to trust them. To be trustworthy you need to be predictable. Angry men are not very predictable. Women will find it difficult to relax and be intimate with you because they do not know if you will suddenly change and become angry or start criticizing them.
  2. Controlling behavior. Often angry men will want to decide what a woman can and can't do, who she can see and where she can go. This is abusive behavior. Being controlling will cause a lot of problems in relationships.

    Being angry most of the time make some men feel a need to try and control everything that goes on around them. They mistakenly believe that by trying to control others they will not lose control themselves. This is one of the key thought distortions that anger management classes can help men to change.
  3. Blaming and criticism. Angry men lash out at others in an attempt to avoid facing their real feelings and taking responsibility for their lives. Often this is quite unconscious. They are not aware of why they use have angry outbursts or how to stop them.

Often they do not have the ability to manage feelings of grief, sadness or anxiety. Being angry is more acceptable for men in our society than being sad or anxious. This is a subtle pressure of men to manage their emotions with action instead of talking them over or expressing them truthfully.

This type of anger problem will affect your relationships with women, particularly if you swear and become aggressive with your partner when angry. Blaming and criticizing your partner will lead to a lack of intimacy and even more conflict in the long run. Living with a critical partner causes women to feel unhappy in a relationship. Criticizing a woman will not change her behavior; it will only cause more ill feelings between you.

Anger management classes can be very effective in helping men recognize these patterns and begin to change them. The internet has made it possible to take online anger management classes in the privacy of your own home. Learning effective methods to manage you anger problem can improve your relationships with women and reduce conflict.




 Your Anger
When two people come together then there is it is unavoidable to get into arguments and fights. There is bitterness and anger. Anger is a natural feeling. At one time or the other all of us get angry. It is very normal and natural to get angry at times. But if getting angry is a routine then it could create problems for you and your partner. So watch out your anger and learn to control your anger as it could spoil your relationship.

When you get angry you speak out words you should not as your mind is out of control. Many times you say things that hurt your partner badly. Words once spoken cannot be taken back and the damage has been done. You can do nothing except for a “sorry”. At times saying sorry does not work. Moreover how many times are you going to say you are sorry if you have the habit of getting angry often? The word “sorry” repeated again and again losses it meaning. You partner does not feel like forgiving you as the word seems to be just an excuse.

At times you are so angry that you speak out such word that you should never speak. You say such word without meaning just out of anger but they do the damage that cannot be repaired. At times you speak of divorce and separation that you should never do and you actually don’t mean them. You hardly realize how you have hurt your partner and damaged your relationship. In the fit of anger you are unaware of such damage. No matter how angry you are, make sure you do not speak such words. Just control your anger.

You should know how to deal with anger. If you get angry easily then you have to learn to cope with your anger. Whenever you are into an argument and know that it is going to get heated up making you really angry stop the conversation then and there. It is better to stop the conversation rather than go into an unnecessary and heated talk that will result in hurting each other. It is best to say nothing at all than hurt your partner. Always remember in an argument that you love each other and always care for each other and for the sake of it keep shut and argue no further. The reason behind the argument could be anything but you should remember that it could harm you both if you do not control yourself and your anger to cut short the argument.

There are different ways to control anger. It just that you should learn to be more conscious of yourself and what you say. Whenever you get angry watch out for the words you speak. Control yourself and do not utter the words that could hurt your partner. If something has gone wrong there is nothing wrong in getting angry after all it is a way to express your feelings, but what is important is that you should control yourself and not utter such words that hurt your partner and create bitterness between the two of you.

The best way of anger control is speak out what is in your mind, the reason for anger than hurting and being abusive. Your partner will understand you and at the same time will try to get you out of the anger. Even if initially your partner is angry with you after you speak out your mind he or she will understand and help you cope anger. 

If you are angry try to distract your mind so that you do not get angry any further. Generally when you are angry and think about it your anger aggravates. So whenever you are angry try to distract your mind. You can call it self help anger. This is a good way to deal with your anger without harming your partner.


Managing and Coping with Anger in Personal Relationships
Anger is energy

We feel it and it makes us want to do "something!" Hit someone, break something, throw a fit, smash a fist into the wall or sometimes into another person! Uncontrolled and mismanaged anger is the number one cause of divorce and all estrangements! The problem most people are having in their personal relationships is anger. Actually, the problem is not anger per se, the problem is the "mismanagement" of anger. Conflict in our personal relationships is inevitable. There is bound to be conflict from time to time simply because we are each so unique in terms of our background and the values (baggage) we bring with us into our relationships. These differences are bound to lead to occasional or even sometimes frequent conflicts and disputes. When we do not know how to handle the anger of these conflicts appropriately, we will mismanage them every single time. Eventually, the accumulated disgust from our failed attempt to "resolve" our conflicts ultimately leads to the deterioration and end of our relationships.

The process of anger management
The process begins with investigating the nature of your OWN anger. Your "anger" is a part of your Own psycho-biography! It says something about YOU and you must find out what there is about you that makes you "vulnerable" to that which" triggers" your anger attacks in ht e first place. Especially those anger reactions which are way out of proportion to the reality of the situation. Someone's failure to remember your birthday is not grounds for a divorce! You are way angrier than the situation ( in reality) require and therefore, you must investigate and find out why your reaction is so drastic. One of the most common cause of "over-reactive" anger (rage) is the result of suppressed anger from the past! Most people have a pattern of "suppressing" their anger until the pressures, tensions and stress become intolerable. At this point, they usually "erupt" like a volcano! They find themselves doing and saying things they don't want to do. Stuff they know they'll regret in the morning. But they do it anyway. They don't know how not to over-react! They don't know where the button to turn their anger down or off is "emotionally" located. They learn how to stop defending their innocence or lack of fault which is not the issue. The "real" issue is the pain of their partner's out-of-control anger and rage and how to diffuse it! It is destroying them both. The partner learns how to relieve their loved one's pain and agony the right way. Their partner’s rage passes sooner and the relationship has passed a crisis. It becomes stronger than it was before. With practice, over time, their partner's anger attacks become less and less frequent or intense. Your partner is validated and provided with relief from their frustrations and anger. Relief they have never been provided with before!

When BOTH partners have learned these new therapeutic ways in expressing and handling each others anger and frustration, they are able to act in behalf of their own relationship. They have stopped over-reacting to each other's provocation in the relationship. They are able to transform an anger situation between them into the liberation of themselves from feeling victimized, out of control, powerless, and unappreciated. Instead, they begin to experience confidence, maturity, equality, belonging, trust and a deep sense of peace. Using some of the proven techniques from our books and CD's on anger management, they become able to replace their feelings of bitterness and hatred with feelings of love and mutual respect. Their behavior towards each other becomes more constructive, supportive and their relationship becomes more gratifying. They have learned from the anger management materials how to replace their discouragement with encouragement. They have earned the right to feel respected and to be respected in their relationship. They are no longer "marking time" until they are able to get a divorce. They are living in the present and things begin to fall into place.





Comment on this post

Dr. Karen Sherman 01/12/2010 16:04

These are all really good points!

As a relationship expert (, I would like to add that couples need to know that conflicts are bound to happen. But here's the good news: there are skills they can learn
so that they can handle them better. When they do, their partnerships fare much better. I offer a free teleseminar, "The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship." To hear it,
go to: