| || || A great relationship is not just about what you have. It’s about what you do to make a relationship stronger, safer, more caring and committed. |
- Find a shared dream for your life together.
- Choose each other as your first family.
- Learn how to fight right.
- Find a balance between time for two and time for you.
- Build a best friendship.
- Face down a major challenge together.
How To Save Your Marriage
Welcome to the blog http://dating.over-blog.net/ You are here because you probably have a relationship that your looking to improve or you have already honed a great relationship that you simply would like to remain for a lifetime, or your marriage is in trouble and you need marriage guidance.
Each and every one of us profoundly wants somebody to love and someone to love in return. A person who we can open up to and share laughter, work, friendship, support and caring through all adversities and the highs of this thing called life. This kind of relationship is desirable to us all yet many of us who feel as though we are not so fortunate seem to fail in achieving it. You are in the right place if you are seeking to restore love that was once present, or even if you are experiencing a strong relationship and you wish to stay there and go deeper.
- Be safe at home
We all wish to be honored and treated nicely, especially by our loved ones and most of all our partner or spouse. The simple truth of the matter is that most of us are not honoring the ones who we love the very most. We end up talking to this person we love mostly in ways that seem contrary to this when we get angry, frustrated and disappointed. Instead of sharing respect and honor, it is too often that couples become weighed down in painful emotions and conflicts that eat away and rip at the very heart of their relationship. It is evident that through many years of research into relationships, couples who are deal with their conflicts and disagreements poorly, with the various put downs and harsh views of each other are most likely to end up developing serious problems in their relationship.
No matter how different each partner’s background it is irrelevant to how they will handle any dispute. The ability to rationalize when any disagreements arise is key to any strong and lasting relationship or marriage and you know that there are many occasions when our rationality is to be tested. Hence when it is said "be safe at home", out emotional safety is essential to having the kindred, deeply connected, loving relationship you both seek. It is meant that in safety of how you talk to one another.
- Open the doors to intimacy
Applying this first principle is paramount when the true sharing of intimacy can fully take place. When these principles are not honored or retained then there are many dangers that enter the relationship and behaviour patterns begin to emerge that make it very unsafe in the relationship and imtimacy can no longer be openly displayed or expressed. One may feel that it is no longer safe to share their true thoughts, or express their true desires. No longer does it feel safe to raise certain issues of concern or to be yourself with that spouse or partner, who is the person with who you want the greatest safety more than anyone one else in the world. However you can learn simple and powerful techniques and ways of thinking to help the two of you handle issues in your life and look after the best parts you have as a couple.
- Do your part and be responsible
The third principle relates to each partner being responsible for his or her part in handling their communication skills and being able to manage their emotions in times of conflict. It is too often that self help books eradiate differences between sexes in terms of what they both want and how they communicate. The most common of destructive patterns that many couples fall prey to happens when one partner tends to talk about issues while the other retracts or withdraws from the discussion, quite often in a defensive manner. This happens a lot when personal troubles are poorly managed. You will probably recognize this scenario as it tears at the core of the relationship all too easily.
If a couple can talk safely about whatever they need to discuss and they can manage their negative emotions then they will be able to talk without fighting. There are many simple ways to teach you if you don't already know how to do so.
It is by practicing these three principles that you can both learn to nurture your security and retain harmony with in the relationship, no matter how doomed you think it has become.
Through out this site there are many articles that disuss different aspects of marriage and relationships that are on the rocks and ways to manage and rectify problems in marriage.
The creators of http://dating.over-blog.net/ have put a great deal of time and effort in studying hundreds of programs that are effective and of considerable value in order to help you to solve your marital problems and to continue your life in a positive, safe and loving relationship.
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The Logic of Emotions
Staying and thriving in great, meaningful relationship takes some intent, work and vulnerabilities. Having said that, the complaint I often hear from one of the partners in intimate relationship is: I wish I wouldn’t have to speak on and show my emotions. To some of us the language of emotions is a familiar and desirable vehicle to great relationships. To others, speaking, even hinting on a discussion about emotions brings down an iron curtain and they are bored, scared or emotionally unavailable otherwise.
What so scary about emotions?
In most cases it is fear of being exposed; entering an unsafe, vulnerable situation, painful memories will surface and there is nowhere to hide.
Actually, the entire topic of emotions is pretty logical: when you ‘get’ that our feelings have to do with avoiding pain and enhancing pleasure, you are practically an expert on emotions. Well, sort of.
Pleasure enhancing experiences are attractive and desirable to most humans. Once we produce that pleasure sensation, we seek that source of pleasure repeatedly. As simple as the satisfaction from father’s approval, great Italian food or your baby laughing out loud. These simplistic ways to look at pleasure will work in intimate relationships too: the look of love from your mate upon reuniting, sharing a moment of physical intimate touch and calling each other silly names as expressions of endearment.
At the same time, as pleasure takes its prominent place in our development, personality and remembrance, the awareness of pain, emotional pain, is carved in our long term memory too.
Painful emotional memories may be the results of being teased by classmates in childhood, losing attention due to sibling rivalry or in severe cases being a victim to child-molestation, and other occasions of unethical adult practices.
In intimate relationships there are plenty of opportunities for the hurtful memories to surface. And with those memories, the pain and fear of pain will become present in intimate exchanges.
Many of my clients are powerful professionals who every once and a while ‘freeze’ emotionally to the thought of being ‘found out’ that they are actually weak, needy and dependent on their intimate partner. Memories of pains would surface and cause them to regress.
At that time, a conversation on ’emotions’ will make them so vulnerable and fragile that they seek cover, as if they’ve entered an emotional war zone.
The Logic of Emotion
To experience the entire range of human emotions in intimate relations we need to learn to allow and relax with both pleasure and pain. One of the tasks of true intimate relationships is to create a safe place for human emotions.
Seeking pleasure and avoiding pain is the logic of human emotions. You’ve known that all along. Now, embrace them so your intimate relationship will flow, thrive and grow.
Do Something Totally Different
We all have favorite things to do and places to go. After a period of time in a relationship, couples fall into the habit of a comfortable routine. Certain activities are crossed off the joint "things to do" list because one partner has no interest or enjoyment in doing it.
It can be refreshing and invigorating to occasionally explore new directions where one partner would like to go. While each of you may pursue separate pastimes such as bowling or shopping, or going to an auto race, a rodeo, a fashion show, or a play, think of the enhanced enjoyment that could be obtained if you did such activities together, even if only on an occasional basis.
For the partner who is not personally interested in that specific diversion, a certain adjustment in perspective and attitude is required. If you hate the thought of camping in the woods, it will not deepen your relationship to participate with constant complaints about the lack of amenities. If the idea of getting dressed up in uncomfortable clothing and sitting through an opera surrounded by pretentious social climbers is abhorrent to you, then spending the evening complaining about stiff collars, superficial people, and the girth of the singing stars is not going to bring you to a new level of intimacy.
Modify your attitude and your outlook. This is not something you are going to do every weekend. This is a gift to your partner which you are making with love and with respect for your differences. Don't expect to enjoy the event but do decide that you are going to enjoy the pleasure you are giving to the person you love. Try to view the experience through your partner's eyes.
By exuding a positive mood and stifling any complaints, you will generate gratitude and a strong sense of appreciation in your partner.
If you just "don't get it," it's okay. You may never learn to appreciate the pleasures of waking up in the woods on a freezing morning or the exhilaration of reaching the top note in a demanding aria, but you will have a new view of your partner - what makes them tick, what excites them, what please them - that intensifies and broadens your entire relationship.
What You Say, What They Hear
Communication between partners often gets confusing, and there is a very good reason for this. Most of the time, the words we use have far less impact than the energy behind the words. Therefore, what you say is often not what the other person hears.
The energy behind a communication is determined by our INTENTION. In much of the communication between partners, there are two different intentions that can motivate any given communication: we are often either intent upon controlling the other person, or intent upon learning about ourselves and our partner. The difference in energy between these two intentions is what frequently creates the confusion in communication.
For example, in one of my phone counseling sessions with Joshua, he complained about the fact that his wife, Joan, often gets upset with him over seemingly minor issues. A recent conflict had occurred over a book she was reading. He had asked her why she was reading that particular book, and she had responded to him with irritation.
- Joshua,? I asked, ?why were you asking her about the book??
- I was just curious.?
- Go deeper,? I said. ?Was there anything about the book that was threatening to you??
- Well?. yeah. It was a book about women and codependency.?
- And what was threatening to you??
- I?m afraid of Joan pulling away from me.?
- So, which intent do you think was operating at that moment - the intent to control her or the intent to learn about yourself and her??
- I guess to be honest, I have to say that I was wanting to control. When I think back on it, I think my tone of voice may have been blaming. Joan always tells me that she hates how much I try to control her, and I always think she is wrong about that. But I think I was trying to control her.?
- And she responded to your intent to control with irritation, which is what is happening frequently in your relationship, right??
- Right. So what would I have said if I was open to learning??
- It?s not so much the words as it is the energy behind the words. The energy behind the words, ?Why are you reading that book?? is totally different when the intent is to control than when the intent is to learn. The same words can be said with a blaming, shaming edge, or with real caring and curiosity. It is your intent that determines the energy behind the words. Joan was not responding to the words themselves, but to the blaming and shaming behind the words. This is what is causing the confusion for you regarding your communication with her. The exact same words can communicate two totally different things, depending upon the intent. And the chances are that if you had not felt threatened by the book, you might not have even questioned her about why she was reading it.?
- Yes, I can see where that is probably true. Okay, I got it. I?ve been trying to control her and that is what she is responding to, not to the words I?ve been using.?
Joshua started to notice his intent. Every time Joan got irritated or distant from him, he noticed that his intent was to control. It was a big challenge to shift out of trying to control her, since he had been doing this most of his life in all his relationships, but Joshua was very motivated to change. He knew that if he didn?t, he ran the risk of losing his marriage. He started to focus on taking loving care of himself and his own feelings instead of trying to change Joan.
As Joshua became more aware of his intent, he was able to consciously shift his intent from controlling to learning about taking care of himself. As his intent shifted, the energy of his communications with Joan shifted, and their relationship greatly improved. Joshua was thrilled with the deeper understanding and intimacy that was growing between them.
Keep The Love Alive
Some believe that romance should just come naturally, and if it doesn't, or if the original closeness that existed in a relationship starts to subside, it means that something is wrong. Nothing is further from the truth. Keeping love alive requires time, attention and the willingness to keep things fresh and learn how to constantly reconnect. Here are some steps that will help us reconnect with our partners, and keep the love alive.
- Give up dead routines
After the initial excitement of being together is over, many fall into a routine and begin taking one another for granted. They assume they know what their partner is feeling, that it doesn?t matter if they come late for a date, don?t look as good as they used to, or decide to spend more and more time out with friends. However, it is crucial to realize that there are many small ways in which we sabotage relationships. Unless two people feel cared for and valued by one another, it is easy for the feelings of love to fade away.
Break into routines. Snap out of ruts. Take time to plan exciting, romantic, delicious times to spend together. Even if it?s just for a little while. Dedicate time to the relationship that nothing can interrupt. This is a sacred time for the two of you, and during it do what makes both of you feel most fulfilled.
- Take Charge of How You Perceive Your Partner Each Day
The good feelings between partners are often heightened by the way in which they view one another. Do you view him as a hero? Someone you can look up to and respect? Or are you mostly dwelling upon his/her faults? After a relationship has gone on for a while it is easy to begin to view one another as ordinary. This is a sure-fire technique for putting out any fire that might exist. Remember, when you first fell in love, you only saw the best about that person and focused on how wonderful they were. If you want to keep the love alive, keep that going consciously.
Here are two exercises to do to help. Get a personal notebook to record your experiences and feelings in. Read it from time to time. Dedicated a certain time each day to the relationship and what is possible between the two of you.
Exercise A ¤ How You See Your Partner
Take some time and write down a description of how you see your partner. Who is he/she to you now? How do you feel about him? Write this down without censoring your thoughts and feelings.
Then, write down how you saw him when you first met, and how you felt about him then. See how your feelings of closeness are affected by the way you are perceiving the person today. Realize that how you perceive a person is totally within your control. You can have the most beautiful person in front of you, but if you do not see it, it is of no avail.
Consciously view your partner in a way that is similar to the way you did in the beginning. They will feel the effects of this, and begin responding in kind.
Exercise B ¤ Stop Pushing Him/Her Away
There are many, little things we do (consciously and unconsciously) that push our partners away. Many are afraid of intimacy and do a great deal to short circuit it. Take a little while to write down ways in which you push him/her away. This is not to blame yourself, but to become aware of the times when you are not actually inviting closeness, but putting on the brakes.
Now, decide to change the way you behave. Each day take one item on your list (the way you've pushed him away) and do the opposite. For example, rather than criticizing him in public, say nice things about him with friends. A few small actions can have huge effects.
- Understanding Hidden Expectations
There is nothing that can cause us to disconnect from each other as much as expectations that have been unfulfilled. We all enter relationships with many kinds of expectations and dreams, some we are aware of, others not. There is nothing that causes more disappointment than our expectations which are not being met.
Take a moment to become aware of what you are expecting of your partner. Is it possible for him to fulfill these expectations Does he want the same thing from the relationship?
More often than not, it is our unfulfilled expectations, not the other person, which make us upset. In order to feel close and satisfied in a relationship, a crucial step is making sure your expectations can be met. See how your expectations align with the person you?re with. Also take time to see if anyone can fulfill them? Are these expectations realistic or simply childhood dreams you are still carrying with you?
Exercise C ¤ Letting Him Fulfill Your Dreams
Become aware off which expectations of yours your partner does meet. Now see if you are willing to be satisfied with that. Can you find a way to feel grateful for what you are receiving? Sometimes just deciding that what your partner offers is good enough, can allow the love to re-ignite once again.
Then, let him know that he?s making you happy. Most people have a deep need to know and to hear that they are meaningful to you.
- Re-Choose Your Partner
When these steps are taken, you will not only be more connected, but you will be with your partner because there is no other place you want to be. The relationship will not be one of convenience, but one of choice. The actual act of re-choosing our partners, of knowing they are the one's we want to be with, is the culmination of the reconnecting and romance we've found.
Sometimes it is very beautiful to make this process conscious. You can write down and express the ways in which you wish to recommit to your partner, you can write down and express the aspects of them that cause you to feel this way. By doing this on an on-going basis, we not only keep the love and relationship fresh, but we keep ourselves aware of why we are with the person, what our part is in the relationship, and the joy and romance that is possible for us to have forever.
Bonding With Your Partner ? Without Candles, Wine or Lingerie!
A journalist interviewed me regarding intimacy in relationships. One of her questions was, ?What are some of the easy ways in which husband and wife can bond - without candles and wine and expensive lingerie??
Easy ways? Well, it depends on what you mean by easy!
Bonding has nothing to do with candles, wine and expensive lingerie. It has to do with INTENT. In any given moment we are in one of two possible intents:
- The intent to have control over getting love and avoiding pain
- The intent to learn about being loving to ourselves and to others
Virtually all of us have learned many ways of trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain. We learned these protective behaviors when we were children, and as adults we unconsciously continue these learned controlling behaviors, such as anger, criticism, withdrawal, resistance, or compliance. For most people, these protective, controlling behaviors have become automatic and habitual. As soon as any fear is triggered, we automatically protect against the fear by arguing, blaming, attacking, judging, shutting down, resisting, or giving in. In relationships, the fears of rejection and engulfment ? of losing the other or losing ourselves ? generally underlie our protective behavior.
In a relationship, if one or both partners are closed, protected, controlling, then they cannot emotionally connect with each other. No matter how much time they spend together with candles, wine or expensive lingerie, the connection will not be there when one or both are closed and protected. Ironically, when the intent is to get love or avoid pain, what we create is a lack of love and much pain. Our intent to control brings about the very things we are trying to avoid with our controlling behavior.
Our own intent is the one thing we do have control over. We do not have control over another's intent to be open and loving, but we do have control over our own intent to be open to learning about what it means to be loving ourselves and to others. However, it takes both people being in the intent to learn for partners to emotionally bond.
If both are open to learning, then they will be emotionally available to each other and can bond with a touch, a smile, or a kind word. Bonding has to do with the energy between them, not with anything external like candles, and the energy comes from their intent. A controlling intent creates a heavy, dark, hard, closed-hearted energy, while the open-to- learning intent creates a light, soft, open-hearted energy.
The big challenge in relationships is to stay open to learning about loving. Because we automatically and unconsciously revert to our protective, controlling behavior in the face of fear, being open to learning needs to be a conscious choice. Developing the ability to make a conscious choice regarding your intent is a learning process. The hallmark of higher consciousness is being able to choose your intent each and every moment, even in the face of fear.
When relationship partners are both able to reliably choose to be open to learning about loving themselves and each other, they create a sweet and safe environment for their love to flourish. Then candles, vacations, and lingerie can enhance their experience with each other ? the icing on the cake.
Easy ways to bond? Staying conscious and open to learning is not easy! The concept is simple, but doing it is far from easy. Yet devoting yourself to learning to stay open to learning in the face of fear may be the most fulfilling and rewarding experience in your life!
Small, Simple and Powerful Things You Can Do for Your Relationship
Do you know anyone who does not like to be appreciated?
Appreciation can be as simple as
"I liked it today when............"
"thank you for....................."
Small, simple, yet powerful.
It's a human need to have something to look forward to.
Bobby Bowden, the head coach at Florida State says that he never wants to retire because there is only one big event to look forward to after you retire.
Perhaps that is why so many people die soon after retirement, they have not built in anything to look forward to.
When you look forward together, you draw closer as a couple. You can look forward to little things, like reading the paper together on Sunday morning or watching your favorite TV show together, all the way to looking forward to having kids or grandkids.
I think one of the reasons anticipation is so powerful and so needed is that looking forward together is very close to hoping together.
"Compliment, what she does......" Quincy Jones with James Ingram
Compliment - Saying I like your dress, shirt and haircut are all nice things.
You can go farther with
"I really like the way you handled that situation"
"You are such a good dad/mom"
"I'm glad I am with you."
Genuine compliments strengthen the connection between couples.
Who Would You Have to Become?
LoveNote. . . When you fail to hit the target, never in history has it been the target's fault. ~ Larry Winget
Once upon a time, I spent nearly sixteen months being with a wonderful woman whom I loved very much. I still do. I always will. Somehow there was a very special connection. And we are no longer together. I have discovered that it is possible to love someone and not be with them. It took me a while to be okay with that.
Separation, divorce or death do not end a relationship. . . they only change it. As long as you have memory you will always be related. We can recognize when a relationship is over and it never ends. The relationship only becomes different. . . it never ends.
Must separation put an end to friendship? Certainly not. Although we are apart, we remain friends. And that was a personal decision. We both acknowledge that the relationship can never again be as it was.
Even when people occasionally get back together, the relationship can only be different, never as it was. Sometimes better. Sometimes worse. Never as it was.
When we went our separate ways, I sought the assistance of a professional therapist. It was early during those nearly six months that it became very clear that I had very little idea about what I really wanted in a relationship.
In the past I had always accepted what showed up in a relationship and dealt with it as best I could. That was then. . . this is now. The old way of being in a relationship is no longer good enough for me. It is simply not acceptable.
During this period of self-discovery, I became more aware of who I was being that contributed to my relationship being over. I soon discovered my most pressing need. In my heart I felt a growing need to become deeply engrossed in a relentless search for who I would have to become to have a healthy love relationship.
Regardless of whether you are in a committed relationship or coming out of a relationship, relationships can always be better than they are. Do some careful analysis on how you can make things better. This is a strategy worthy of your very best efforts.
Who would you have to become to have your relationships be great? What could you do differently? Whose assistance could you request? How will you change? Or will you? Are you willing to stop trying to change your love partner?
It is not possible to change anyone else. Change is always a personal decision, an individual choice.
Communicate. . . with love. Be in constant communication about what you want and what you don't want. Demonstrate your commitment by pledging to help each other stay on the path of self-discovery and to always be opting for a love relationship anchored in unconditional love.
Then do something. . . together, as soon as you can and whenever you can.
Who would you have to become?
Think about it.
Kidding Around With Romance
Youthful and playful activities can add spark to your relationship. Being playful in adult relationships is a good thing. It's perfect for a first date and can even help light a fire under long-term couples whose affections have cooled.
Being playful isn't something logical. It's being the little kid in a big body, having fun, being happy and enjoying each other without concern about whether what you're doing is proper.
It's doing things with a sparkle in our eyes and with a laughing face. It's being a free-soul, with a sense of humor and in action with one another.
It's having an "I can hardly wait" attitude and taking a break from the fixed framework of your everyday life; it's celebrating distraction.
It's having the self-confidence to be or do something without the concern of what others might think. It's being okay with looking dumb, acting silly or stupid in a childlike way.
Bankrupt in the playful department? Spend an afternoon watching children play. It's childlike frolicking and drawing gleefully outside the lines.
It's being spontaneous with a childlike curiosity. Being playful is to be more candid, intimate, and outrageous. Being playful is being full of high-spirited fun: frisky, frolicsome, impish, mischievous. It's letting your playful spirit come out and play.
If they're not okay with you being who you are, that might be a clue as to whether you have a second date. Is that a great time saver or what?
You can also schedule a "PlayDate!" where you only play and focus on fun; no conversation about issues. Being playful is a great icebreaker, especially if sharing childhood memories - or favorite foods, worst nightmares, most embarrassing moments - is involved. Such honest revelations sometimes help determine if this is someone with whom you'd enjoy spending more time or you can learn more about the partner you're with.
Select a special day each week to compliment your mate. Be sure the compliment is personal and handmade; send an e-mail, a card or love poster, or a handwritten sweet note.
Take crayons to a family-friendly restaurant and draw pictures or write notes to each other on the placemats. Go to a Kids Cartoon Movie together.
Go out for ice cream, a movie, a concert or just take a walk. Attend church together. Play Frisbee in a park. Visit a local high school football game on the spur of the moment. Make it a weekly activity for you and your love partner to share throughout the year.
Slide down the hill on a large, flattened cardboard box or, in the summer, on a large block of ice. Go bicycling together. Have a food fight.
Jump rope. Read a Dr. Seuss book together. Get down on the floor and spend an evening together playing children's games or playing with children's toys.
Go out and buy a music CD together. When you return home, turn on the music, sit on the back porch and enjoy hot cider or a cold crink and each other's company.
Plan a picnic on a playground for children and play on the swings. Enjoy the feeling of flying through the breeze. Play on the slide or in the sand box.
Blindfold your date, drive him to an ice cream parlor and make him guess the flavor of as many samples as they'll let you try.
Visit a candy store. Suck on a lollipop. Sit under a tree and watch the squirrels. Recall a childhood memory or activity and engage your partner in reliving it.
Date your mate! Focus on having fun. Committed love partners know it is wise to plan their time together. Go on a date. Talk about it. Plan it in advance. Don't wait until the last moment. Take turns planning these events. Lovers show their consideration for each other this way. To do otherwise is to take your togetherness for granted.
New Beginnings! What to do, What to do?
Alone again? Perhaps it's time to invent a new beginning. A little "solitary refinement" will help. You can do that most effectively by working on you; preparing for love. . . alone.
There is no shame in starting over.
How do you work on YOU? You begin by paying attention to what you need to be fulfilled as an individual. Focus on YOU! Self inquire!
Here are a few questions to help you get started. Are you happy? Sad? Disappointed in where you are in the relationship you have with yourself? Angry? Resentful? When you are alone, do you feel lonely? Are you always blaming others for what happens to you? Do you have regrets or guilt about the last relationship that didn't work out the way you had hoped it would? Do you know that something is missing in your life and you are not quite sure what it is? Are you always looking back?
Do you know what it feels like to live in the present; to really be present to what is going on? Do you know specifically what you NEED from a relationship? (Have you really ever thought seriously about that? Make a list.)
Are you feeling sorry for yourself? Do you continue to attract the same kind of people from one relationship to the next? Have you yet to reach a point where it becomes pointless to complain because you now know that relationships are what YOU make of them? Have you lost touch with the spiritual side of things?
Have you forgotten to be grateful for what you do have instead of feeling resentful for what you have lost? Do you know down deep inside that there must be something better?
These are just a few questions you can answer that will cause you to begin to understand that no matter how hopeless or how great things appear to be, they can always be better.
What else can you do? Get totally honest with yourself. Start holding yourself accountable for who you are in the matter; how you feel about the way things are. When you do, you will learn that it is time to stop blaming your former love partner and start taking full responsibility for YOUR share of the problems that caused the break-up in the first place.
Relationship problems are NEVER only one person's fault. If they affect you, the problems are shared problems. If you are together, you can work on them together. If you are alone again, you must work on them alone. Of course, you can choose not to, and there are consequences.
When you decide (and only WHEN you decide) to do something different, you must promise yourself (a promise you intend to keep) that you will do everything within your power to be happy instead of holding on to being right. In other words, discontinue justifying what doesn't work and begin to do something different.
Is there more you can do? Read good books about relationships that stimulate your thinking; that inspire you to a better way of living. Attend seminars and workshops, not just about relationships, but those that empower you to change the way you have been. That's the smart choice because the old way didn't work very well, did it?
This could also mean dropping a few of your loser friends. You know who they are. Hanging around people who bring you down does not support a healthy love relationship with you or anyone else. Become involved in a support group; one that supports you in being a better you; one that uplifts your spirit.
Begin to journal. Get honest with how you FEEL about things; how things "really are" instead of how you "think" they are. Write it all down. Be honest with yourself! Spend a lot of time thinking about what's happening right now, instead of dwelling on the past. There is no future in the past. Being concerned about something that has already happened; something you cannot change, keeps you stuck. To begin again; to really move ahead, you must work on YOU! Let go of the past.
What are the benefits of working on YOU? One of the rewards for working on you is that you begin to feel good about who you are! You begin to love you again! Not the self-centered love that distracts you from being loving to others, but a genuine love-of-self; the kind of love you can share with others.
Loving yourself for who you are causes you to feel like a whole person again. When this occurs, you may be ready for another relationship. . . when it shows up. Not before. Unless you work toward this magic moment, you may always continue to be disappointed with the relationships that show up in your life. Opposites do not attract. That's a myth. Remember, like attracts like. You attract to yourself that which you are. You always have. You always will.
If you cannot handle the most important relationship in your life - the one you have with yourself - then you will never be able to truly relate to a relationship with two people in it.
We spent so much of our time being concerned about the relationship we are in with someone else, that we forget about ourselves. This is called "losing yourself in the relationship." This can never be a healthy way of being.
Working on yourself takes discipline, determination and doing something different. For lasting change; the kind of change that makes a difference, you must "change your behavior."
The relationship we have with ourselves and the relationship we have with others takes intentional effort. This, we know is true: "We must work on relationships ALL THE TIME, not only when they are broken and need to be fixed!" Relationships should never become a struggle. They become a struggle when someone is not pulling their fair share of the load.
It is difficult to feel good about yourself, when you know you are letting your love partner down by not giving yourself your full attention. You take care of you - your partner does the same. It's difficult, if not impossible, to pay attention to the overall relationship unless you both know how to focus attention on yourselves first. Two broken people can't fix each other.
You only have the choice to fix you! To invent a new beginning, you must first acknowledge the problems that require solutions. To fix yourself, you must never stray from the path of self-discovery. You must always know where you stand with yourself. The only way you can do this is to be attentive to, and intentional about having the best relationship with yourself that is humanly possible.
When you are ready; when you have given yourself adequate time to prepare for love again. . . a relationship with someone else will be there. You will find each other.
Imagine the possibilities? Two whole, healthy people, together! Each feeling good about themselves; loving themselves and sharing that love with each other. Can you imagine both love partners working on the relationship they have with each other and supporting each other in their own personal growth?
If you believe it, really believe it, and make sure you are always doing the best you can to cause it to be this way. . . anything is possible!
What to do? Don't waste time. Begin again. . . now! Never stop working on YOU!
I encourage all you my beloved reader to listen to this wonderful teaching by Dr. Karen Sherman (Relationship Expert) who had left this link on one of my post. Seven Tools for Resolving Communication Conflict
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA