Why does he not ask me out? Why did he disappeared?

Published on by CMe


Why does he not ask me out? Why did he disappeared?

How annoying is it when someone you thought was into you suddenly disappears off the face of the earth? Even more annoying is the fact that nine times out of ten, we are not given a reason for the sudden change in behavior. I’ve listed every reason I have seen in my own life for why a guy might inexplicably stop responding:

  1. He’s Chasing Someone Else (The White Whale Theory)
    If you’ve just met him, who knows who else is in his life? I have definitely let a lot of girls go by while I’ve been fixated on “the ultimate girl”. It’s a fact: guys enjoy the chase. Some guys even enjoy just the chase. So that uninterested or elusive girl that he’s chasing becomes his “white whale”. If you have gone out with him a few times and things just don’t seem right, he may be chasing a girl or two on the side—and if he ever catches her that will really complicate matters.
  2. He’s Very Focused...on everything but love
    The years beyond college get very complicated. Suddenly responsibility falls into your lap. You’re paying rent, paying for fun, and paying for the food you eat. Plenty of guys love to go out and meet girls but, depending on the stage of their lives, they may only want to meet and date lightly. Sometimes things at work are going really well—you’re close to a promotion, or they are going really badly—you have a horrible boss, or you’re afraid you’re going to be let go. Who knows what’s going on in people’s lives when we meet them? While a meeting or date may seem amazing at one moment, it might just be a temporary thing to keep that person away from what they must focus on at that time in their lives. You might say: well, if they are going through a hard time, maybe I came along at the right time to help them out. Be careful of this—because while you may help them out of their tough times, that might be all you are to them and they will move on without you when they are in better shape.
  3. You’re a friend
    Girls, beware: sometimes we can’t tell when you’re interested in us. When I was in college, my best girlfriend told all my roommates that she liked me, and made them swear not to tell me. They actually kept the secret pretty well for a while. But when I finally found out, I was completely blind-sided—and I only thought of her as a friend from day one. One of my best buddies from college is notorious for ignoring the fact that a girl might like him. He’s met a lot of girls that he immediately puts into the “friend” group, and goes out with them frequently, while (at least to me) it’s fairly obvious that she’s interested in more. I have a history of losing touch with every girlfriend or girl I’ve been intimate with. It has made me very nervous to escalate things beyond friendship because past intimacy has caused girls that I could have been friends with forever to be out of my life. Guys value friendship just like girls do—and they can get nervous to take the next step.
  4. He Thinks You’re Too Serious...Which Means You Probably Are
    It’s imperative that, as a relationship grows, that the feeling is mutual. Every serious relationship comes to that point where we look at ourselves, our lives, and consider taking that next step into exclusivity and beyond. If he’s not ready to do it then it’s not going to work, and he might literally be frightened off if he perceives that you’re too serious. And, you may say: “I am not serious at all about this, I don’t intend to be serious.” When I think of this, I’m reminded of the HR Sexual Harassment online class I took for work. “Even if he didn’t intend for it to be offensive, if someone is offended, then it’s sexual harassment”. So, while you may not intend to come off as “serious”, what he perceives will be fact to him. And, if you’re “too serious” for him, then you’re better off without him: it wasn’t clicking at the right time.
  5. His Damned Sidekick
    Guys love to have partners in crime. As long as his best buddy is still going out and getting wasted and hitting on girls, it will be very difficult for him to give this life up. In fact, they will feed off each other until finally they grow up enough to date. It’s no surprise that you will find that a lot of guys that start out as packs dissipate pretty quickly once they start dating. The crazy life gets a little old, and—hey—his buddies aren’t around as much to feed off of.
  6. He’s Into One of Your Friends
    People are not inclined to use other people. However, if a guy that you like happens to like one of your friends, naturally he’s going to try to get to be around her by spending time with you. This can be very misleading for you, but usually it works itself out pretty quickly. I happen to hang out with a lot of attractive males who are a lot tamer than me when first meeting girls, so it happens to me a lot. But, when in doubt, good friends always should trump possible romantic targets. Keep your friendships strong and live to fight another day.

At the end of all this, it boils down to the importance of timing. If attraction is a flammable agent, then timing is a spark that can really set it ablaze. And when you think of it this way, you can see how difficult it is for things to work out.

So, I need to find someone I’m attracted to, and then the timing needs to be right between two converging lives. And, of course, the person who wasn’t ready sometimes becomes ready later and sometimes later is too late.

My advice to you is: if you find that a once responsive guy is not responding, he most likely is doing so for one of the above reasons. It is usually fruitless to push and push and try to figure stuff out. And, anyway, if you move on with your life and find a guy who is ready for you—then you may turn out to be the one that got away for that first guy...or maybe even his new “white whale”.

Do you have a lot of experiences where a guy just disappeared after things seemed to be going well? Any other reasons you can think of that might make a guy disappear—I’m sure some of you have heard or been through some bizarre ones when they explain?


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Comment on this post

relationship advice 05/21/2010 02:43

These are all totally valid! Being in the friend category is what I think is one of the worse ones. All of the bogus of our parents telling us "We were best friends first!"