| || |
| || || | When an Accused Spouse Denies Cheating
I get a lot of emails from spouses who are pretty sure that their spouse is cheating on them (and some of them even have a small amount of proof), but when they attempt to confront their spouse about the infidelity, the spouse who is suspected of cheating will shut these accusations down in a variety of ways. The most common way is to angrily deny anything and then to try to turn the accusations around. You might hear things like: "how could you even ask things like that?:" or "are you sure that it's not you who is trying to hide something?:" or "if you keep this up, I am going to want to cheat!"
Occasionally, the spouse will respond with patience and will calmly tell you that you have nothing to worry about, but often their patience runs thin and even the most patient spouses will eventually become angry and defensive with their assertions that you are just paranoid, trying to see problems where none exist, and are just making trouble when you don't need to. They may well have success with this where you try to forget your suspicions, but often something else will come up that brings this back to the forefront. How should you handle a spouse who keeps denying that they are cheating when you feel sure that they are? The following article will offer tips and advice that may help.
Look At It Objectively And Ask Yourself What Makes You Think They Are Cheating: In evaluating this, it's important to try to take the emotion out of it. I know that this is easier said then done, but it's important. Try to set aside a time when you can be calm and rational. Now, ask yourself if you would still feel this way and have these suspicions if things were going great in other areas of your life. Is at all possible that you are projecting insecurities about other things onto your relationship?
If you are not sure, then let's take this a step further. Take a piece of paper and make an objective list of all of the things that make you suspect them of cheating. List everything even if you think that this is silly. Then, set the list a aside for a few hours and take a break from this. Later, come back and try to look at the list objectively and ask yourself if a friend had made the list and then showed it to you, would you come to the same conclusions?
If you come away from this exercise only more sure that they are cheating, then you have a few choices to make, which I will discuss below.
What's Your Next Step When You Know That They Are Cheating But They Are Still Denying It?: You're now at the point where you have a choice to make. You've already confronted them and they've denied it. I have to tell you that continuing on with your accusations isn't likely to get the admission that you are after. I have seen this happen too many times (and it almost always follows the same path) to think any differently.
So often, your energies are better spent coming up with answers on your own than trying to trick, convince, or force them to tell you the truth. You will often come to a point where you have to decide how far you want to take this and if you are prepared to really handle the truth. Many people really just want for their partner to admit to the cheating while they beg for forgiveness and fall over themselves with apologies.
When this doesn't happen, people often aren't sure that to do. And many people are quite hesitant at the idea of following up on their suspicions. This is going to be individual. Sometimes you will decide to back off, but then the frustration and anger begins to build up again, so that you very much resent being lied to, and you then decide that you want to take action. Sometimes, you decide that you want to let it go for now.
It's my opinion, from personal experience, that you've better off finding out the truth on your own than depending on faulty information from someone who has already lied to you. I advocate taking control and getting the information that you need, although I often stop short of recommending a face to face confrontation between your partner and the person he is cheating with. This often does not turn out as well as you had hoped. They will often just be angry and defensive rather than apologetic.
Instead, I think that it is better to get the tools that you need to find out the answers for yourself. And often, these answers are right under your nose. They are on their cell phone, their computer, and on other gadgets that they carry around with them. Even if they've deleted or protected this information, there is software that can make it retrievable. In this way, you have the best of both worlds. You get your answer and you will have proof that they can't deny. So they will often, quite reluctantly, give you the admission that you want without needing to have a very painful face to face meeting with the other person.
What to do when you've falsely accused your faithful spouse of cheating
Falsely accusing your faithful spouse of having an affair can really throw your relationship for a loop. A loss of trust has occurred and on top of that it leaves you as the perpetrator in a real awkward position of not knowing what to do now since the potential damage has been done.
Is there a way to reverse or at least make up for what you have done? Time is the best remedy but during the early healing process of your relationship, the following are some suggestions on how to help your partner and your relationship get back to on track.
- Apologize: Apologizing for your mistake is the best gesture to show that you are sincere and are serious about regaining the trust and positive upstate that your relationship had before.
- Take Responsibility For Your Actions: Tell your spouse that you take responsibility for your accusation and that the reason why you accused them of having an affair was an unresolved issue that has to do with you, not them.
- Promise Them That You Will Take Care of Your Own Issues: Say to your spouse you are going to investigate why you have trust issues and that you will take the initiative to heal yourself so you will not do that again to him or her. For example, when you were child, one of your parents had an affair and got caught and it had such a traumatic effect on you that you are now sensitive towards being hurt in the same way and are focused on preventing that from happening to you to a point where you jump the gun or overreact. Therefore it is in your own best interest to heal your trauma and in the best interest of your relationship to deal with the trauma as well.
- Empathize With Your Partner: Empathize or learn empathy techniques so you can empathize with how you spouse is feeling so they feel validated and understood which will increase their ability to heal, forgive and regain your trust. Even say that you understand and it's o.k. if they are angry at you because you would feel the same way if it happened to you.
- Give Your Partner Some Time to Heal and Regain Trust: Give you spouse some time and space. Trying to force forgiveness or trust or expecting them just to get over it doesn't hurry up the process; it'll actually slow the process down. Time is yours and your partner's best friend.
Due to the awkwardness of accusing your faithful spouse of having affair, it is almost instinctual to just want to laugh it off, however if you step up and make a sincere effort to see the incident as an opportunity for your relationship to grow, before you know it, you and your spouse will be having the fun and laughs just the way you used to.
How To Fight (And Win) With Your Spouse
- Float like a butterfly... A good defense is at least as important as a good offense when fighting with your spouse. Be slippery. If your spouse corners you on an issue, do your best to change the subject. For instance, if you're caught in the middle of having sex with another man or woman, turn the tables by accusing your spouse of being emotionally distant, distrustful, etc.
- Never miss an opportunity to tease your spouse's own lack of arguing prowess. For example, if they stammer or have trouble composing what they're attempting to convey effectively, make loud, exaggerated stuttering noises or do your best impression of a mentally handicapped person to further sabotage their emotional state and train of thought
- Listening to your spouse during an argument is dangerous as he/she might say something that undermines the integrity of your position. Time spent not making your own case should be spent devising your next salvo or repeating what you've already said at a higher volume than you did before
- Not listening to your spouse during a dispute doesn't mean you shouldn't keep an eye on them. Nothing can upset the rhythm of your argument faster than getting sucker punched or having a flower vase broken over your skull
- You shouldn't be too timid to hit below the belt, but it's best to save such knockout blows until after you've already got your spouse on the ropes. Tried and tested examples include weight issues for women and penis size for men
- Insults and childish name calling used in proper balance with a cogent dialectic against your spouse's flaws will greatly improve your chances of winning any argument. Demonstrating that your spouse has been behaving like a stupid jerk with well thought out, coherent logic is crucial, but calling them one explicitly will significantly enhance the effect of your attack
- Don't overlook the obvious value of recruiting allies to aid your cause. For example, if you believe your spouse has been acting selfishly and have a relatively high level of confidence that your children agree, seek them out to corroborate your assertion
- Don't let your spouse's minor transgressions trigger small scale skirmishes - after all, Hitler didn't conquer most of Europe fighting small, sporadic battles. Instead, suppress your aggravation while taking mental note of such middling infractions until you've accumulated an arsenal formidable enough to launch a full-scale blitzkrieg the next time they so much as look at you cross-eyed
- Using convoluted, obscure logic and references that has little or nothing to do with the topic of the argument can disorient your adversary, neutralizing their offensives and leaving them vulnerable to counter-attacks
- Make liberal use of words like 'never' and 'always' in any argument with your spouse. Even if it's not true, exaggerating your spouse's tendency to do or not do something you find offensive will greatly enhance your chances of winning the fight
- Finally, beware of any overture of forgiveness made by your spouse. Such propositions are never initiated by the party currently winning the argument, and to accept such an offer is to concede victory
| || |