| || || |
In "Obsessed," Ali Larter, Beyoncé Knowles and Idris Elba form a love triangle -- only two of them are, you know, married. What's a third wheel to do except go a little psycho? The crazy lady thriller is back at long last. And with it, our guide to the do's and don'ts for those women lusting after men, who for whatever reason, are unavailable. We haven't even seen "Obsessed" but the trailer alone says so much:
Do: Date a married a guy if they say they're going to leave their spouse -- even if they change their minds. Should that happen, try and find you and your man in a parked car alone at night. You could accidentally rip open your dress while in the passenger seat.
Don't: Mess if Sasha Fierce is his wife. She's packing a robotic arm!
Do: Get to know your potential beau’s pets. Learn their name, what they like to eat, and what they taste like as soup. Boiled rabbit, anyone?
Don’t: Don’t attack his wife with a knife. You’ll get shot. In the shower.
The Hand that Rocks the Cradle
Do: Remember that the nanny is the glue that holds the family together. You'll want to take a hard line with local bullies and be a better mother to your charges than their actual mother.
Don’t: It's very easy to fake an asthma attack. If your employer's wife does, don't turn your back on her or you may take a tumble.
Single White Female
Do: Duplicate your roommate's every quirk, right down to that faux-red pixie haircut. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery!
Don’t: Assume the object of your affection will thank you for preventing her rape (which, natch, you set up). She'll just break your heart with a screwdriver.
Do: Go for single, older men who live in your parent's guest house and are attracted to your hot, teenage self. He can spy you sun bathing without mom and dad knowing. Talk about convenient!
Don't: Emasculate him. As in, don't rewrite his stories so they're better and send them to his editor behind his back. It'll send him running.
Do: Be neat and hygienic. Dispose of hypodermic needles properly after injecting a paralyzing drug. Wear a blood-proof black apron and gloves if you're going to dismember your honey with piano wire.
Don't: Don't forget to check if family members have a key to his apartment. You could be interrupted and kicked down a flight of stairs. And then you'd die, breaking your neck.
SwimfanDo: Run down your man's simpering, whimpering girlfriend. They distract him from winning those swimming meets, and paying attention to you.
Don't: Don't leave your brother unattended. Especially if he has a problem with you having left your last boyfriend hooked to a respirator for life. What's his problem, anyways?
The TempDo: Be a joy to work with. Punctual, efficient, up on the latest software programs.
Don't: Kill people to get your boss promoted. Really, save that kind of dedication for your own career.
Do: Always keep yourself well-groomed ... down there. You never know when you're going to get called in for police questioning on laundry day.
Don't: Do a sequel.
Do: Feel free to use your new-found parity in the workplace to find a man, or just something fun to fill your after-work hours. It's better to do this at work, since men are plentiful and most wont' say no, since you sign the paycheck.
Don't: He may be tempted to record any potential assignations secretly or on "accident." Be sure to frisk him for cell phones or other recording devices. A recorded proposition is a bad proposition.
Do: Get your man in your house as quickly as possible. Yes, there's a lot of fish in the sea, but there are also a lot of fisherwomen. The sooner you can get a potential catch locked up safe and sound, the better.
Don't: Leave him unsupervised. An interesting man is also an unpredictable man and one left to his own devices is liable to get up to some troublesome shenanigans. Like setting your beloved manuscript on fire and dropping a heavy typewriter on your head when you go to put it out.
Play Misty for Me
Do: Take an interest in your potential mates interests and career. Say, for instance, he hosts a local radio show. Give it a listen, and maybe even call in and flirtatiously request a song.
Don’t: For starters, mix up your song requests, and if he’s wealthy enough to pay a woman to clean his place, you probably don’t want to stab her. Oh, if you’re going to have a psychotic breakdown, don’t do it near a cliff.
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA