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You got dumped again, huh? We’d say “sorry about your luck” if we thought luck had anything to do with it. To be perfectly honest with you, however, the fact that you keep getting dumped over and over again is probably your fault. Sorry, pal. Now it’s time for some tough love.
We know it’s easier to believe that all women everywhere are crazy: they don’t understand you, they don’t know what they want, etc. But isn’t it infinitely more likely that the cause of your frequent relationship failures is, in fact, you? Might it not be the case that you are the reason why you got dumped - again?
It’s not that you’re a bad guy; it’s probably just that you are stuck in a cycle of bad decisions and bad behavior. See, certain kinds of relationship mistakes are self-reinforcing. For example, a man might get dumped because he’s too clingy, but getting dumped will only make him clingier in his next relationship, which gets him dumped again, and again, and again. It’s a vicious cycle.
If you’re trying to figure out why you got dumped - again, read on and see if any of these guys sound at all like you.
You’re too clingy
It’s good to be enthusiastic about your relationship. Girlfriends appreciate your appreciation, but make no mistake about it, there is a clinginess line and you can cross it. Recognize that being clingy may be the result of enthusiasm and infatuation, or it might be a kind of defense mechanism. Ask yourself if you’re holding on to your girlfriend simply because you’ve been dumped before and you’re worried about getting dumped again. If the answer is “yes,” you need to break the cycle so you don’t get dumped - again. Remember, absence makes the heart grow fonder.
You’re too jealous
A little bit of jealousy is normal; picking a fight every time she talks to another man is not. If your girlfriends consistently accuse you of being too jealous, you might have trust issues. Did a previous partner cheat on you? Does the memory of that betrayal affect the way you behave in your current relationship?
Keep in mind that not every woman is unfaithful, but unreasonable jealousy is enough to drive just about every woman out of your life and into a relationship with someone else.
You don’t take responsibility
Some of you men out there love to play the blame game. Things are never your fault. If you’re fighting with your girlfriend, it’s because she’s being unreasonable. If you’re upset, it’s because of something she did. If you’re unhappy, it’s her fault. You blame the women in your life until they leave you, and then you blame them for that too. The more women “screw you over” the more you resent them for it. Well, if you’re looking for the reason why you got dumped - again, it’s time to take a long hard look in the mirror, friend. We have more reasons to help you understand why you got dumped – again… When a relationship ends, it sucks. There’s a few different ways this can go, but it is very rare for a break-up to not suck in some way. Here’s the typical offenders:
- You’re the one doing the breaking up. This is terrible for numerous reasons. First, you have to figure out a way to tell the person. Then you actually have to have the convo. The convo could end up being of the “Why? I don’t understand.” variety, meaning you’re going to have to suckily point out all the things wrong. It could be of the “Fine.”, silent variety, and that’s sucky because you start questioning whether the other person ever even cared. After the convo, you just feel terrible and in moments of weakness/drunkness, you’ll probably question whether you did the right thing.
- You’re broken up with. This is obviously crappy, because it’s a blow to your personality and your self-esteem will probably suffer. And you’ll be sad, because a relationship you deemed good is over.
- The fight. You and your significant other have a giant fight, probably about something stupid, and terrible things are said and you decide to break up. This sucks because you’re hurt, and angry all at the same time.
- The disappearance. All of a sudden, the other person vanishes. This one REALLY sucks. First, you are worried that something terrible has happened. Then you realize the other person is just avoiding you. You become confused and frustrated. This is extra-horrible because if you bump into the person at a later date, there is no possible chance that awkwardness will not ensue.
- The thing you can’t get over, but can’t change. Oh, another REALLY sucky one. Everything is great about the relationship, BUT… you are of two different religions; your cultures are very different; you live in different countries… Things you can’t change, and eventually you break up because there’s no future. This break-up is really sad, and produces the most tears. However, there are no bad feelings, so the potential for a future friendship is very high.
- When a relationship is cut short by opportunity. This is similiar to the previous break-up. A relationship is going well, but is young, and then a great opportunity comes up for your significant other, like a great job in Florida. This sucks because you can’t be mad about any single component of the break-up: you got along great; your signif other is awesome; you are happy for the new opportunity because you know it is killer. This break-up has exceptionally high potential for drunk dialing, and for wondering “what might have been.”
Ways to Survive a Break Up
Break ups are never easy. You are a bundle of jealous, hurt, angry, resentful emotions. Your mood can swing from depression to bitter anger. The only thing you seem to think about is what went wrong, can I get him/her back or I’ll show him/her. The main theme in your life is ‘How can I feel better right NOW?’ Here are some suggestions that I hope will help.
- Friends and Family. I know this may seem obvious but lean on your friends and family. Spend time doing things together, not just talking and thinking about the break up. If this isn’t enough, you may consider a support group or counseling.
- Resist the urge to beg. You want them back but not at any price. At the time it may seem the right thing to do but think about it. In the long run they will lose respect for you. This doesn’t mean don’t try to work things out. If there is a chance you can work things out, go for it. However, if your partner has made it clear that in their eyes, the relationship is over, begging will not help and may hurt the situation.
- Make a change in your life. Find a new way to spend your time. Take a class, join a gym, adopt a pet, or volunteer. Do anything that will make you feel good about yourself. Your ego is probably feeling bruised right now. Find a way to counteract that.
- Understand your mistakes but also realize that you are not a failure. Don’t beat yourself up. If you made mistakes, then yes, learn from them but dwelling on what might have been won’t help. It takes two to make a relationship, it also takes two to end one. You weren’t the only one who made mistakes. It may not seem useful to you now, but a lot of times the things you learned from this experience will make your next relationship stronger, as long as you make the necessary changes.
- Start Dating. You won’t feel like it at first, but don’t stay away from other people for an extended period of time. Going out with other people can help the healing process and boast your ego.
- Don’t fall prey to others. There will be people trying to sell you this or that, guaranteed to win back your partner. Don’t let people take advantage of you while you are vulnerable. If you do buy something, understand that while there is a chance it could help, there is also a chance that it won’t.
- Take up a hobby. Learn something new. There is probably something you’ve always wanted to try but never had the time. You have the time, do it.
- Don’t rush into another relationship. While starting to date can help you feel better, it’s not a good idea to rush right into another relationship. Take time to heal before making any commitments or someone will probably end up getting hurt.
- Avoid dwelling on it. I know it’s impossible not to think about it, but, if you find yourself doing so for an extended period of time, find a way to take your mind off of it. Call a friend; go to the gym, whatever comes to mind. If nothing seems to work, try this: Make a list of reasons why you are better off now. This could include I have time to do the things I want to do. I can date anyone I want to. I can find a partner who will appreciate me the way I am and stop wasting time on a doomed relationship. Think about the things they did that drove you crazy, because there are some. Don’t look back with rose colored glasses and only remember the good things. Don’t have the idea in your head that if only we were back together I would be happy. Wrong. Wouldn’t they have a lot to answer for if you did get back together? Leaving you was probably the biggest mistake they will ever make. Let them dwell on it, you move on!
- Build your ego. I’ve touched on this already but it is very important. Find ways to feel better about yourself. This could be anything from getting a haircut to buying some new clothes. You could take a class on self improvement. If nothing else, you should do this: Make a list of things that make you a great person. Don’t sit there and tell me you can’t think of anything. I don’t buy it. Try again. Are you kind? Patient? Intelligent? Cook like a pro? Can fix anything? There are things that make you great. WRITE them down and whenever you feel low, read your list and add to it. You are you and you are great so don’t let anyone ever make you feel that you aren’t.
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA