| || || Being married for about eith years, I can certainly tell you what to look for in a declining marriage. It is truly sad but happens all too often. Somewhere I saw that churches are making sure that couples have counseling before they get married. I wished I would have had that before I was married, because I believe the Pastor could have talked me out of it. |
Although I loved him then, deep down I knew why I was marrying him. For all the wrong reasons. It was something 'I had' to do. We were together for a couple years and living together. I felt wrong about that. I felt it was either get married or go our separate ways.
Early in the relationship there were problems. Friendship was never established. I didn't know him and to this day, I still don't know him. I know of him. I know him physically, but I never really knew him as a person. Sad to say, my wedding was the first sign of my declining marriage. It should have never taken place.
Most people would have separated and got back together. They would have left and came back when their heart was partially mended or when they had a chance to put things into perspective. Not us. I never left him. My heart broke each and every passing day. I held on hoping he would catch on. I never wanted him to have a broken heart, although he broke mine all the time. I was nothing but a wife. A darn good one at that.
There were times that I could have thrown up my hands and went to stay with a friend or my Grandma or someone. However, I could never bring myself to leave. Not to mention he threatened me. A sure sign of a declining marriage is the inevitable sign of control and manipulation.
You see, my marriage was declining before there was ever a wedding. I still don't know this man after almost twelve years. It is too late. I decided to finally go one day. I believe when you live with someone and never have the courage to break their heart by constantly leaving them, they will take you for granted. They think after all they put you through, if you haven't left, you will never leave.
I literally lived in heartache and believe it or not my heart mended while I was still with him. I got to where I couldn't deal with the same things, all the while there was really nothing left in my heart for him. Some may think that wasn't fair.. But why? Why leave him and break his heart when I should stay and give him chance after chance?
It didn't hit until I was sincerely serious.. I don't think that he took me serious and just knew I would want him back. Perhaps he thought I would realize just how much I loved him. Well not in this case because I went through all of that heartache and healing while living under the same roof. I hope you caught that.
I warned him for a year that I was going to leave, all the while learning how to have a mind of my own and try to get away with as little extra stuff as I could. I tried to work on-line and do my part since I had a baby and couldn't work, like I always did before. It just made him furious because I wasn't catering to his every step.
Whenever I did, he wouldn't let me, anyways. Confusing, yes but that is a control mechanism.
The controlling ceased when I made up my mind that I would no longer allow it. Then he crossed the line and hit me. I truly believe that if I wouldn't have allowed him to control me all those years, I would have been physically abused. He always had his way in everything.
Control is a vice and a stronghold. The old saying goes, 'he who angers you, controls you'. Remember that and when you finally don't become angry while trying to be controlled, they will realize that you aren't going to let them have their way. Do not let yourself be controlled. It is a sure sign of a declining marriage.
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA