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- Flirt like it's your first night together.
Think back to those early days of dating. Every laugh, lingering look, or under-the-table leg brush was a guaranteed goose bump-giver. Well, you can turn back the clock to that supercharged premarried state by making a simple shift: Start flirting again. Ditch typical dinner convo topics like work, in-laws, and home renovations for entertaining stories or provocative questions like, "Imagine you could go anywhere in the world, right this second — where would it be?" If you're at a party, slink away, get a couple of drinks, and flirtatiously introduce yourself to your spouse like you're strangers. It may take them a second to catch on, but once they do, it'll set a sexier tone for the rest of the night — and remind you both that there's still a lot to discover about each other.
- Make your spouse do a double-take.
It's a miracle that you find each other attractive in ratty sweatpants, but yep, you do. That's one of the brilliant things about being a couple—being so at ease in each other's company. But there's a line between being comfortable and letting yourselves go. (Hint: If you frequently show up to the dinner table in sweaty gym gear or go to bed with zit cream and prickly cactus legs, you're guilty as charged.)
We're not saying you need to haul all your loungewear to the nearest dumpster, but make a few tweaks to your routine that will give your partner a chance to ogle you. Break out that lingerie crammed in the back of your drawer. Wear something backless. Shave and put on a nicer shirt than usual when you go out to dinner. It's about showing your significant other that they're still worth looking sexy for. Chances are, they'll return the favor and both of you will reap the benefits.
- Try something new (channel surfing doesn't count).
You and your better half love your Saturday morning routine (gym plus Starbucks) followed by your evening routine (Thai takeout plus Netflix), so why mess with scheduled perfection? Well, shaking things up every once in a while keeps the zsa-zsa-zsu in your relationship. According to a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, couples who participated in activities that they both considered highly exciting but moderately pleasant had a bigger boost in marital satisfaction than those who did activities that were highly pleasant but moderately exciting.
So ban takeout-and-a-movie night once a month and jump outside of your comfort zone. Check out a concert you'd never think to get tickets for, explore a totally different part of town, or dare yourselves to try a new sport like rafting or rappelling. The adrenaline rush you'll have from trying something new will be an aphrodisiac.
- Pounce ... even when you're not in the mood.
If you're like most couples, weekday mornings fly by in a haze. You're rushing out the door and can barely remember to grab your car keys, much less say "bye" with half a bagel in your mouth. Then, at the end of an exhausting workday, it's a "hey babe, I'm home," followed by a flop-down on the couch. Sex? Who has time for sex? You're just too busy to get busy. But by skipping the most intimate act you and your spouse could possibly enjoy together, you're not doing your relationship — or your libido — any favors.
Here's why: Intercourse and orgasms trigger oxytocin, the "love hormone," to be released in your bodies, which makes you feel incredibly fused as a couple. Sex is also the gift that keeps on giving: The more you do it, the more you'll want to do it, so it actually stokes desire. So set that alarm clock a little earlier for some wake-up action, and put down that pint of mocha pecan postdinner and enjoy another kind of bedroom treat (better yet, bring in the ice cream too). You don't need Olympic-level performances — just enough enthusiasm to get that married mojo going.
Keys To A Hot Marriage
I love this forum there is so much that we can learn from one another. I have been married for eight years and I feel our marriage is as hot today as it was when we dated. However I don't want to fool you we have had our challenges some big ones along the way but what helped us each time is when we used the following 5 keys to turn on the hotness in our marriage.
We compete to make each other happy. This means we do everything we can to fulfill the other person's needs even if it means scarificing our own. I find when we ignore the wants and needs of each other is when we get into fights.
Verbally and physically be affectionate with each other. Everyday we say or do something that shows the other person how much we love them. This helps keep happy spirits in our home and marriage.
We read books and attend workshops were we learn new ways to keep that hotness going. We learned incorporating new ideas keeps the marriage alive and happy.
Taking a break from one another when we are not happy with what the other person has done or said. We learned from trial and error that talking to each other while angry feelings are rising is not the best time to talk.
Doing something fun with each other. There was a time we found ourselves drifting apart. We put other things first. We noticed by putting other things first we were taking each other for granted. Now we spend once a week doing something fun.
Kissing Connectivity Keeps Your Relationship Hot
A kiss can mean so much, or nothing at all. Remember when you were five years old and you thought kissing was yucky? It wasn't until adolescence that the meaning of a kiss was slowly revealed to us. Between giggles we confessed our first kisses, our secret initiation into the "adult" world. No one talks about kisses anymore. Oh, we read about them in romance novels or see them on the big screen, but no one discusses them in hushed whispers between blushes and giggles. We are adults. Kissing is commonplace for us now. Most of us kiss our partners without thinking at least once a day. But shouldn't a kiss always be special?
What is a Kiss?
A kiss is more than the sharing of lips and breath. It is a mingling of hearts and souls. A slight tingle, a funny feeling in the tummy, a racing heart, is to be expected. A kiss is an intimate connection to another human being and a simple way to express love and affection. It is also a way for us to confirm that our partner is "the one" and traditionally, the marriage vow is sealed with a kiss as well. What better way to seal the promise of love?
The First Kiss
The anticipated first kiss is one that we both long for and dream about. And, whether remembered as sweet and tender, shy and hesitant, or as bumped heads and noses, we don't forget it. A kiss is a thing of wonder. We wonder if and when the object of our affections will bestow us with a kiss. We wonder if our knees will get weak, our pulse will race, or if it will be a dud. So much depends on a kiss.
We analyze every detail of our interaction with the opposite sex with the precision of a scientist. He smiled at you when you walked by. Does he like you? You went to see a movie with subtitles and he seemed to like it. Does he really like foreign movies or is he only trying to please you? Will he call you again? You go out on your second date. And then, somehow, you kiss. Your heart soars. He likes you! Could this be love?
According to Leslie Parrott, Ed.D, co-director of the Center for Relationship Development at Seattle Pacific University and author of "Relationships: Making Bad Relationships Better and Good Relationships Great", women do read more into kissing than men. "It can make them feel attractive, cared for, and even boost their self-esteem. Women unconsciously use kissing as a barometer for how much they're respected, valued, and loved," says Dr. Parrott.
The Passionate Kiss
You can't wait to feel and touch each other. Your mouths and hands are busy, your hearts are pounding, and you can literally see sparks fly. Passion is a wonderful thing. It makes us feel more alive, more connected to our partner. But, realistically, one cannot expect passion in every kiss. Kisses can range from slow, sweet ones to urgent, fiery ones. Moreover, it us unrealistic to expect passion every single day of our lives. How many times in books, the movies, and in real life has it been proven that a relationship built on passion alone cannot survive? Without a deep, emotional connection between two people, a lasting love cannot thrive. And by lasting love, I mean one that can withstand the ups and downs of every day life. Factors like compatibility, similar values and goals, mutual respect, trust, and friendship should be weighed alongside physical attraction. A passion that feeds on itself will eventually burn out.
Are you and your partner in a romantic rut? Have your kisses with your partner lost their zing lately? Don't throw in the towel just yet. As your relationship continues to grow, continue to grow the passion. If you and your partner concentrate on feeling an emotional connection with each other, you will make a passionate connection as well. "For couples who have been [together] for some time, kissing isn't as exciting as it was when you first started dating," says Dr. Leslie Parrott. "But you need to continue to make kissing a priority," she continues. "Passionate kissing is great but one of the goals of kissing is to stay connected."
The Perfunctory Kiss
"Bye, Honey. Have a nice day," we say with a quick peck on the lips as we leave in the morning to start our workday. It's part of the routine. Just one more thing to do on our way out the door. Often, once the days of courtship are over, couples tend to fall into a routine, which is anything but romantic.
A kiss can communicate so much. Love, tenderness, passion, and devotion, to name just a few. It can also serves as a barometer of a relationship. "Because kissing is a part of the daily interaction a couple shares. It can send spontaneous and frequent signs of affection and love," Dr. Parrott states. In the early stages, we kiss our partners a lot because we need the reassurance that a kiss can bring. Once we are settled into a relationship, we need less reassurance because we feel more secure in our partner's love. But, as time goes on, there is the danger that a couple will stop expressing their love with kisses. The kisses start to taper off. You only kiss hello or good bye or while making love. The love that is between you, while cherished, is not something that you think about anymore. It is just there. Sometimes spoken, sometimes not.
No one likes to be taken for granted, especially not your partner, and your love shouldn't be either. A kiss is such a simple way to keep the love you and your partner share alive. Notice that I said share. Both you and your partner owe it to each other to work at keeping the love and passion alive. Yes, love requires work too. Anything worth doing or worth having does. However, Dr. Parrott also advises "while it's great when you and your partner are on the same passion scale, there will be times when one partner will go through a quieter time sexually. Don't take it personally or withdraw. Stay connected by talking and touching and giving them space."
Remember how special you and your partner are together.
Be creative. Kiss your partner's forehead, eyelids, cheeks, nose and chin, before kissing your partner on the mouth.
If you don't like your partner's kissing style, tell them gently how you would like to be kissed. Better yet, show them.
Gently caress your partner's hands, neck, or back as you kiss. Make it more than a mere meeting of the lips.
If you don't have time for a "real kiss", make a verbal promise of "Later." You and your partner will have something to look forward to and you will have put the magic of anticipation back into your relationship.
Other Daily Steps to Intimacy:
Really listen to each other.
Be there for each other.
Touch each other.
Go out on a "date" at least once a month. Maybe even re-create your first date.
Have a candlelight dinner.
Plan a special day together for just the two of you.
Following are more passion tips provided by Dr. Leslie Parrott:
Have a "How's your love life?" conversation. Ask your partner to rate their level of passion and intimacy on a scale of 1 to 10. The very act of having the conversation increases the level of satisfaction for both of you.
Write a love letter to your mate. Make it a little unpredictable. Throw your partner off guard by saying things you don't normally say.
Agree to take turns initiating affection so it doesn't always fall to the same partner.
Every once in a while, schedule passion on your calendar in advance. Focus on your "appointment" in the hours preceding so your passion and excitement has time to really build.
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA