| || || | Within the next two to three minutes, you will uncover if you have had relationships based in reality or fantasy! I want you to recall a failed relationship and ask yourself one question, "Why didn't it work?" Initially, you may answer, "They cheated, lied, changed, etc." But be honest with yourself. Without honesty there cannot be any changes in your life. The truth may be you created a world in which this person could not live up too! "How is that possible," is what you are thinking, "I would never do such a thing!" Maybe not intentionally but you do it! Heck, we all do it until we realize we are doing it! Too often you project your image of the person onto them. Thus, creating your fantasy person. We see only the image we created. This is important to recognize early on because at no point did the person ask you to think so highly of them. You focus on their "potential" and figure eventually he/she will get to that place he/she should be to make you happy. However, once the individual steps outside of the image you created you begin to think, "They changed!" But in reality they were the same all a long. In essence, what you have done was create a "virtual reality" or "fantasy world" based on the images present in your mind. That is why many of us get hurt in our relationships. We are not realistic but idealistic. What's the difference between a Realistic person and an Idealistic person? Realistic:
- A realistic person will go into a relationship with their eyes open
- A realistic person will lay the cards on the table and get down to details of what the relationship is going to be
- A realistic person will speak their mind and say what they feel even though it may hurt the person in the short term
- A realistic person is honest with the individual regarding their life and shows they care about the person and not focused on what they can get from the individual
- A realistic person understands there will be problems and issues but working together they can overcome anything
- A realistic person tends to be more genuine in their love and support
- And much, much more
- The idealistic person will forgo the communication and move straight into sex
- The idealistic person will say "I love you" quick
- The idealistic person will get emotionally attached quick
- The idealistic person will think, "This is my dream person." Technically, they would be right, as it is a dream they are living and their new mate would be a dream person.
- The idealistic person will cry because their dream relationship did not work out then repeat the process over again
- The idealistic person will blame everyone else for causing the problem but never look at themselves
- The idealistic person lives in a fantasy world where everything works and nothing fails
- The idealistic person is usually kicked square in the face by reality and still will not wake up
- And much, much more!
The question you need to ask yourself is, "Am I a realistic person or am I am idealistic person?" The answer to that question will help you to understand why your relationships end and how to say goodbye to relationship mistakes and avoid unhappy relationships.
Now, don't go analyzing people and prejudging them. This, as well as everything else you may read on other web sites, is just a guide. Use your common sense and just pay attention when you are dealing with people.
Is Too Much Idealism is Bad
I know a ton of people who are wayyy too idealistic in what they look for, relationship wise. Is that such a bad thing? For the purposes of dating, yes, it is a bad thing! Why? Because then you end up 30+ and still single. And, when you’re too idealistic, it becomes WAYYYY too unrealistic. Yes. UNREALISTIC idealism is deadly for your parent’s hope of you one day marrying.
First, let me talk a little bit about the IDEA-LIST. Yes. The LIST. THE CURSED LIST. The incredibly long, tedious, and unbelievably unrealistic list. The one that states “if I am going to date this person they must possess (endless list of qualities here)”. Idealist’s tend to generally want the PERFECT spouse. The
problem with this, however, is that the perfect spouse (in the sense of how it compares to your list) does not exist. Why do I say that? Well that’s because no one is perfect. We are all sinners. If you try to find someone on that list, you will always (and EVERY TIME) be completely disappointed with the end product.
The list is evil. I have a list. It’s quite simple, actually. What is my list?
- If it makes sense, I don’t care about the rest.
And that’s it. Okay maybe not completely it. But mostly, yes, I like to keep it simple. If I like her, and she likes me, I’m definitely willing to at least TRY it.
Now, the second thing that we’re idealist about is having “supernatural confirmation” on relationships (like Serendipity!). I’m all about getting confirmation….BUT GOODNESS. Sometimes, I think people (especially
idealist people) expect God Himself to come down from heaven with fire and thunder and flames and tornadoes and hurricanes and then SCREAM in your ear “YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO MARRY THE
AUTHOR OF THIS BLOG!” (Did God tell you this recently? If He did please call me so that we can discuss it in more detail, and I can pray and decide if this is indeed from God or not. PS. You need only call if you
are between the heights of 5′0″ and 5′4″. I am willing to make exceptions for 5′5″ and 5′6″ based on your decision to never wear heels for the rest of your life. That is all. haha.)
Seriously though, we expect some sort of “perfect” dating story. We are petrified of a reality that exists outside of that “perfect” love story, because we think that if we do not get it, that there is something wrong with the relationship. That thinking is a doubly self defeating concept because not only do we doubt whether or not we should date someone (even if everything else makes sense) but we also start doubting the relationship even when we are IN the relationship and things are going well. “Why is nothing supernatural happening to confirm that we are supposed to be together?” You ask. And then you start fearing for your life because you’re in a place where you have to make YOUR OWN DECISION. “Wait, I
have to make my own decision now? You mean, I can’t just sit here and wait 24/7 non stop and see what happens?” Guys…you have a brain. You have a heart. You have passions, emotions, feelings, thoughts…
USE THEM. The prophetic is meant to SUPPLEMENT and not ENTIRELY DICTATE your decision making process. If it entirely dictates how you make decisions, then you are nothing but a robot. USE what God has given you because that’s what makes you UNIQUE. Read the word. Grow in knowledge. Be prayerful. Listen to God. And then live your freaking life like a normal person. God will let you know as you go through life what you’re supposed to do, but you have to LIVE life first. Anyways, I’ve tried this “have God give you signs” strategy before. I was seeking God thoroughly about whether or not I should date my now ex girlfriend. When I was seeking a “sign”, I started praying drastically, yearning for some miraculous sign from God. We were serving in a ministry together, and for Christmas we had a gift exchange. ”Here is my opportune moment,” I thought, and I literally prayed that God would make it so that we would have EACH OTHER as secret santa gift exchange people. Amazingly, as I prayed this, I got HER NAME for who I was supposed to give a gift to, but I obviously had no idea if she had gotten me. That fated day had arrived. We were exchanging gifts. Immediately, everyone went around in a circle and started giving gifts, and telling them why they got them their gift. The first person was supposed to give his gift to his secret exchange partner, and then she would have to give her gift to her secret partner, and so on and so on. Eventually there were only two people left that had not yet given their gifts. Her and I. “THIS IS CONFIRMATION LORD!” My heart jumped. We gave our gifts to each other, and soon there afterwards, started dating. Success? Well. She’s married now, but not with me. She has two kids now, I hear, and they are definitely not mine. And…I think I’m still pretty damn single. So I think it’s safe to say, EPIC FAIL. For real though, we are too unrealistic with how we expect God to speak to us about relationships and dating each other. Furthermore, we are depending on a prophetic system that can be dangerous because our OWN HUMAN EMOTIONS AND FEELINGS are so heavily involved. Whether or not it was from God, you will think it is from God because you WANT it to be from God. That’s the problem with relying on the prophetic in such an intense way on the subject of our future spouse. WE all hear those stories of how people who are famous get together, and they are often filled with ridiculous “confirmations”. OF COURSE you hear the stories that were SUCCESSFUL. But I bet you there are COUNTLESS stories of failures, or COUNTLESS stories of people who simply just TRIED IT and saw that it was good. That’s not a story people will often share, so of course you rarely HEAR those stories. The problem is, we only hear the stories that are EXTREME. And yes. Sometimes it’s not “fair” that others get such an awesome story, when our story is simply “How did I meet Bob? Oh, we met on eharmony.com”. And I’m not sure why EVERYONE doesn’t have that “mind boggling cry tears out and vomit cause it’s that sappy” type of story. But that’s the way of the world. I don’t know why I haven’t won the lottery yet (although I still believe this is going to happen). Somtimes life is just not fair. And when it comes to our future spouse, sometimes we’re going to have the most boring story of how we met, and the most amazing story of how we were together. I’d rather have the most amazing story of how we were together, than the most amazing story of how we met, personally. If you are looking for this “perfect” getting together story, have fun being single at 35. Or you can join me in becoming a Christian monk, moving to some mountain somewhere to live a life of celibacy and solitude. Amen. Anyways, my belief is that if you are living a life of prayer, and if your potential future spouse is living a life of prayer, I believe you guys should just TRY IT OUT. It doesn’t HAVE to be “the one”. HONESTLY, it’s not that big of a deal! People make too big of a deal out of dating! DATING IS so practical, and it helps so much in determing whether or not two people make sense together. And yet, we somehow FEAR THE WORD Dating. SERIOUSLY, most of the times, it’s really simple things that are “barometers” of whether or not a relationship can work or not. The most OBVIOUS one is “DO YOU LIKE EACH OTHER?” And then from there, does it work out? Is there a future that actually can make sense with each other? Are you arguing a lot? Side Comment: The issue of arguing is important because in a survey on relationships they said that relationships that start off with a lot of arguing (especially aruging during the “puppy romance” stages, the first 6 months) will end up a generally more difficult marriage. Usually, the first 6 months are supposed to be ecstasy, and then around the half year mark you have your first serious argument. Then you usually have another serious argument at 1 year anniversaryish. If you are arguing too often, that’s probably not a good sign. Although I do know married couples that argue often but are still insanely in love with each other. Oh how theories fail… So what’s the point of all this? ONE reason why PC people don’t date is because they try to make a book-worthy story out of their relationship even before anything has even HAPPENED! I think maybe even for idealists, you need to embrace a little more realistic thinking. Sometimes, even if it ends up being a horrible decision, you just GOTTA TRY IT. We are at an age (most of us) where we can make mistakes and LEARN FROM THEM. Let’s make mistakes together! Two years ago a pastor I know gave a TWENTY SIX PART list of how you should find your future spouse. After some stuff happened in his life that he hadn’t planned, I recently talked to him and his list has become quite simple. On the subject of finding his future spouse, the same pastor had the following to say, “I believe in hard work, and perseverance”. DON’T BE AFRAID TO TRY THINGS. FOLLOW THE NIKE SLOGAN. JUST DO IT! NO PUN INTENDED.