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Life has a way of throwing curve balls at the most inopportune time. Most of these curve balls can be identified as distractions, and it can be anything from something as simple as a cell phone ringing while we're driving, to a man who is consuming your mind. Simple distractions are easy enough to ignore, but the harder ones, such as that man you're wanting, are a bit more challenging. If we're not careful these distractions can cause us to miss great opportunities or to fail in doing what we need to in order to achieve necessary goals. In order to avoid these distractions and dodge the curve balls, try these steps.
If the distraction is consuming your mind it might be a good idea to approach it and attempt to get it out of your system. For instance that guy you're thinking of all the time, scrape up the courage to ask him out. If he says no you can forget about him and get on with what needs to be done. If he says yes you're going to have to accept the fact that you'll be fighting distraction for a while!
Still consumed with thoughts of having her? Stay busy, stay focused on the job at hand and allow yourself to think about her when you're finished for the day.
Homo sapiens are merely animals and we have animal instincts, including physical needs. We are easily sidetracked during times of desire. Try working out at a gym. You'll find that pushing yourself physically will have a calming effect on you mentally as well.
A sexual desire can devour your mind to the point of no return. Consider just having intercourse with him and getting it out of the way. Sometimes the best approach in getting beyond that distraction is the simplest one.
Visual aids can keep the mind focused on the job at hand and push aside distracting thoughts. This is an approach you might want to regard as a possible solution, but it is only temporary.
Try reading, writing or drawing to keep your mind elsewhere. These activities push the mind into deep visualization and imagination, keeping distracting thoughts at bay.
Avoid Getting Distracted from School by Your Boyfriend
One of the biggest distractions from school can be your boyfriend. This is especially important if you are already having trouble with school, or your parents freak out because you're not getting good grades. Here are some helpful hint on how to have a relationship while getting an A on your final exam.
Calmly tell your boyfriend that you really want to have a good relationship with him, but you also need some time to study and work on school stuff.(Studying for a test, completing a book report or project, whatever!)
Make a study date. The next time you guys hang out or go on a date, and you have a test or something coming up that you really need to study for, suggest that you make it a study date. Hang out at your local or school library, Have dinner at your house and then study for midterm over dessert. Make your next date more school friendly. That way, your getting in some quality time with your BF, and some good study time!
When you finally get that A on an exam or report, celebrate it! Go out on a real date and have fun. Go someplace interesting (bowling, movies, someplace unique).
Don't just sit there with your Boyfriend studying, make it fun! I suggest tossing a ball and reciting vocabulary from all of the subjects.
Try not to get so caught up in your studying that you don't have any time with your boyfriend, or the other way around.
If your BF is totally not into studying for anything for whatever reason, just tell him, "sorry, I really need this Saturday to study for my final on Monday". If he really likes you, he'll understand.
Maintain a Successful Relationship
Having a rocky relationship? Read along. Already have a successful relationship? Read along. Let's face it, we all know there is always room for improvement.
First thing's first: Without honesty, there's no trust. These are two very important ingredients. Always keep things clean, ladies and gentlemen, no matter what it takes
To expand on honesty a bit more, say what you have to say, whether it's hurtful or not. For example, if you need to break up, do not be scared and hold back. Talk to your partner and give him/her fair, civilized reasons. It is a lot worse to keep a person attached to you when you know nothing is ever going to happen with you two. Do not waste anyone's time.
If you are together and things are looking great, there's nothing to fear, but this does not mean you should let your guard down. Always take good initiative; vary your habits. Take your partner out to places he/she only dreams of, surprise her with a nice present from time to time. No one said gifts are only meant for birthdays and holidays.
Treat your partner like there's no tomorrow. Feel free to pamper him/her and take some breakfast to bed. Your loved one will be absolutely amazed knowing you woke up with the relationship in mind.
Give each other some space. It is okay if someone likes to be around most of the time, but ask yourself, how does he/she feel about it? Do the homework and find out one's level of comfort, this way you can never interrupt when some alone-time is needed.
Many people hate when their partner asks "too many questions". Where are you going? When will you be back? Before yelling at each other, please consider he/she is only doing the math in order to know if you might be in trouble out there. Questions do not always equal jealousy.
You know what could happen if you forget an important event in your lives. Show your partner you really cherish those wonderful moments in the past. The way you let him/her know is entirely up to you, just make sure you two make things memorable.
Distracted During Sex
When sex is good, it is taken for granted, but when it's bad it can consume much of the consciousness of a relationship. As one of life's exceptional pleasures, it is ironical that there are so many obstacles to sexual fulfillment. Such as the 'aging sex life' stereotypes—the notion that sex is no longer possible or enjoyable by age 45 or 60 or beyond. Trapped by misconceptions, few of us ever come close to realizing our potential for extraordinary sexual pleasure and deeply satisfying intimacy.
There is a growing awareness that great sex is not something that just happens—like great communication, it has to be learned in a shared, sensitive and open manner. Few of life's experiences yield greater rewards, for, as our intimate relationships become vibrant and aware, so do we.
The energy of desire resides and is nourished in the mind. There are countless cases where unwarranted anxiety leads to a loss of sex drive. To a significant extent, this is brought on by misconceptions about sexual potency and intimacy. Believing these erroneous ideas leads to our becoming sexually incapacitated by our own thoughts.
Follow some powerful and practical solutions:
CHOOSE TO ENJOY LOVEMAKING
Making a choice to enjoy your actions, sensations and experiences while making love is where you exercise your spiritual rights. Even though it is a physical act, the effects of making love to a trusted and valued partner go much deeper into your emotional, mental and spiritual self.
Consciously exposing or dismantling your inner walls and defenses is another area where choice is exercised. Showing and expressing to your partner the original 'you'—what you are beneath all the masks and armors—is essential to develop a safe, trusting and enjoyable sexual relationship. In the process, get rid of fear, doubt or hesitation. Only when you have nothing to hold back can you be totally free.
Negative, unwanted thoughts thrive when the mind and mood are unavailable to the experience of the moment. Make it clear to yourself that intimacy is something you desire, that you don't want to spoil it with worry or resentment.
If you find yourself mentally distracted during lovemaking, ask yourself: 'Does this thought or image make me feel better? Or help me behave the way I want to? Or does it do anything to improve my relationship?'
"No matter what your problem or situation," explains Dr. Zilbergeld, "there are always two ways to go with it. The negative way leads to discouragement, despair and self-hate. The positive way leads to useful thinking, good feelings and solutions. Just because something hasn't been working lately doesn't mean it will never work. You can always make changes."
SHARE A SENSORY BODY TOUR WITH YOUR PARTNER
This simple technique can help create a greater feeling of trust and a sensual and emotional bond between lovers. It also heightens sexual energy during intercourse. Choose a quiet room with lighting that is pleasing to both of you. If a certain smell arouses you, create a hint of that scent in the room. If you both enjoy soft background music, put some on. Take the phone off the hook, put your favorite sheets on the bed and definitely switch off the TV.
Wearing as little or as much as you like, guide your partner's hands with your own on a special tour over every inch of your body, showing him/her the precise ways in which you like to be touched. Move in response to whatever you find stimulating. Once you have covered every part of your body, switch places with your lover and let him/her guide you.
Says Linda Perlin Alperstein, Ph.D: "Touch can be difficult to discuss with words. It's much easier to demonstrate." Let your fingers do the talking. Of course, you can talk while conducting a body tour, but simple 'oohs' and 'aahs' can be just as communicative as words.
Ancient Asian philosophers and physicians believed that sensual, controlled sex replenished and strengthened the life force of both men and women. The prevailing idea was that sexual vitality and potency depended primarily on sensory awareness, sensual sensitivity and expertise.
CREATE AN ATMOSPHERE OF TRUST
It is important for you and your partner to be honest with each other every time you make sensual or sexual contact, not just in body but in your minds and shared words, about what pleases and what displeases or hurts you.
Research indicates that sex is only possible when both partners feel completely safe and trusting in letting go and deepening pleasures above and beyond orgasm, instead of holding back, feeling unsafe and being unwilling to cross boundaries in the mind or heart. This requires sharpening your skills in listening to your inner signals so that you can discriminate between times when it's all right to feel vulnerable in lovemaking and times when it's not. Limits can be gently set but must be firmly respected.
Distractions and anxieties manifest themselves in your mood and body responses, and even when you may have the physical energy for sex, your ability to enjoy lovemaking may be hindered by thoughts that make you anxious and interfere with your arousal.
TAKE 'TRANSITION TIME' TO LEAVE WORK STRESS BEHIND
If you arrive home from work and immediately dive into domestic chores, it's all but impossible to cultivate the kind of intimacy that promotes extraordinary sex. You go from one type of stress to another.
A good idea is a 5-minute transition period for couples to release tension and simply be together—to chat, stroll, hug and hold hands. A few minutes of peace and quiet are worth four hours of foreplay.
ADOPT A BEGINNER'S MIND
It is essential to suspend judgment long enough to begin approaching lovemaking in original and sensitive ways so as to escape ruts and routines. Researchers have found, for example, that 'super sexual lovers' approach each moment with an openness to experience, referred to as a 'beginner's mind' in Zen, i.e., approaching each sexual interlude as the first.
All this requires is a bit of practice. Don't jump ahead with your thoughts. Instead, just keep pace with the wonderful information you receive through your senses. Follow wherever erotic thoughts emerge, responding spontaneously and naturally to your partner's body and touch and voice without analyzing.
SHARE YOUR FAVORITE SENSATIONS AND GIVE SUPPORT
Sexual energy increases for many of us when we feel free to relate how we are feeling in the changing, evolving experience of intimacy and have our partner do the same. By describing sensations of closeness, we heighten feelings of sensuality. By using warm, sexual dialogue, complimenting how the other person looks and feels and expressing your own sensations of arousal and pleasure, you can more easily distance yourself from unwanted thoughts. If you're having trouble focusing or concentrating on lovemaking, learn to tell this to your partner and ask for help in releasing distractions.
To get the most out of sex, at every age, you need to be in great shape, mentally and physically. In a nine-month study of 95 previously inactive but healthy men (average age 48), researchers found that those who engaged in regular moderate to vigorous exercise reported a 30 per cent increase in frequency of intercourse, with a 25 per cent increase in the frequency of orgasms. They also reported an increase in other arousal measures, such as passionate kissing and caressing. In contrast, the control subjects who didn't exercise experienced no improvements and actually saw slight decreases in their sexual frequency.
SHARE INTIMATE 'PILLOW TALKS'
Sex is intensely personal. We all feel vulnerable about it. Some of us may be able to have a satisfying love life without talking about it, but it is rare in a long-term relationship. Many common sexual difficulties can be eased or overcome with open, sensitive 'pillow talks' shared regularly between partners.
Acknowledge your awkwardness, anxiety or fears: "This is difficult for me to say because I really love you and don't want to threaten our relationship, but..." Also, be specific. Don't say: "I want more affection." Say: "I want you to hug me and give me a special kiss when we meet after work. I want to hold your hand when we go for a walk or sit side by side. And I want to be held for a little while each night."
Have sexual heart-to-heart talks. Take turns sharing your innermost feelings and thoughts on the following:
- The best thing about our sex life is…
- What I find most sexually attractive about you is…
- What I would like to add to our sexual intimacy is…
- I get turned on the most when…
- It would be easier to express my sexual desire if…
- I think our experience of sexual pleasure is…
- A sexual delight I would like to indulge with you is…
Resolutions for a Great Sex Life
As far as New Year's resolutions go, "Get a better sex life" probably falls way down on the list, after "Lose weight," "Exercise more" and "Eat leafy greens." But the truth is, sex is healthy, too — for you and for your marriage. (Plus, working on it is a lot more enjoyable than counting calories.) So this January, take charge of your sex life by following these fun resolutions — we guarantee they'll lead to exciting and satisfying trysts and take your sex life to a whole new level.
Resolution: Vow to focus on what you like in bed.
"The number one key to greater pleasure is knowing what turns you on," says Aline Zoldbrod, Ph.D., a sex therapist and author of Sex Talk. You probably have some ideas already, but if you — and your husband — are relying on the same old techniques, it's time to find out what else hits your hot buttons. Experiment when you're alone: Think about what has aroused you in the past or about the things you wish your husband would do when the two of you are under the covers. Do you hear yourself thinking, "I wish he'd touch my neck or breasts?" If so, fill him in the next time you are getting snuggly. "Knowing what revs you up in bed is a gift you can give yourself — and him," says Zoldbrod.
Resolution: Commit to staying in touch with your sensual side.
You may barely remember those early days in your romance when you actually spent time picking out your bedwear, but chances are your dresser was filled with things a heck of a lot sexier than ratty T-shirts and flannel PJs. "Women need more preparation for lovemaking than men do, and part of that is making yourself feel beautiful," says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist and author of The Idiot's Guide to Oral Sex. "You're more likely to be interested in sex and initiate it if you're wearing something sexy." So hit the lingerie store — and while you're at it, pick up some perfumed body oil, silk sheets or a few scented candles. (Go for licorice or cucumber scents; research shows both increase arousal in women.) "Keeping all your senses stimulated all the time makes you more willing and able to really experience the complete pleasure of sex," says Cadell.
Resolution: Remind yourself to reach out and touch him — every day.
We know, sometimes a week goes by when physical contact with your husband amounts to squeezing past him to get to the bathroom sink. Considering that it's harder for women to jump into sex without day-to-day touching, this can put a real damper on intimacy. So make a point to rub his shoulders, hold hands while watching TV or simply give him a hug when you get home. A recent University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill study found that frequent hugging boosts a woman's level of oxytocin, a hormone that makes you feel closer to your mate. Kissing on the lips at least once a day is another good way to keep the passion simmering. Once you start reaching out more, you and your hubby will feel more loved and connected, and, trust us, sparks will fly.
Resolution: Stop mentally drafting your to-do list during sex.
Juggling work, family and friends leaves you with a lot to think about — sometimes even when you're making love. "This is a big problem for women. They are more easily distracted from sex than men," says Zoldbrod. And unlike men, women's arousal levels tend to fluctuate and can drop quickly. That means if you're turned on and start thinking about the dry cleaning you forgot, it can ruin the moment, just like that. To keep yourself from drifting off during sex, banish distractions. Once a week, jot down your to-do list and discuss any concerns you have about your family, work or other issues with your husband — before you slip between the sheets. Then when it's time for sex, you can really focus and enjoy it.
Resolution: Get yourself some (or some more!) grown-up toys.
Experts say that variety, novelty and fun are all keys to keeping sex hot. A good sex toy provides all of the above and can help you and your husband live out your sexual fantasies. There's a wide range of products to choose from, so start with what you're comfortable with. For beginners, vibrators that don't look phallic, such as the Pocket Rocket, tend to be less intimidating. If you already own the basics and are ready for more advanced toys, try a vibrator that stimulates both your clitoris and your G-spot. Or get something that's made for both of you, such as the Jelly Tool Belt — a dual penis ring that has a vibrator in it to stimulate you.
If you're not sure how to bring up the idea of experimenting, here are two ways: (1) Surprise your husband with some edible massage lotion (the Pure Romance line is a good choice) to spur a conversation — say, "Do you like this? Does it feel good?" (2) Make shopping a task you do together at a store, with a catalog or online.
Resolution: Vow to speak up if something is not working for you.
We've all been there: You let your guy do something he thinks is an incredible turn-on, and all the while you're lying there wondering when he'll be finished. Women often do this — or even fake pleasure — because they're either too embarrassed to speak up or afraid to criticize their partner. But if he keeps doing the wrong thing, you'll be left dissatisfied again and again. Next time, clue him in — gently. Cadell advises that instead of saying, "You never do X" or "I don't like it when you do Y" — which come off as negative — try, "I like it when you gently massage my breasts instead of squeezing them." This way he won't feel rejected, and you'll get the caressing you crave.
Resolution: And also commit yourself to speaking up if something is working for you.
If the sex is good, why bother talking about it, right? Wrong. Sex experts agree that telling your husband how much you love what he does perfectly in bed is as important as telling him what isn't working. So moan when he zeroes in on a pleasure zone and compliment him later on, too. But be sure to provide details. For instance, say, "It felt amazing when you kissed my stomach and thighs." He'll be so happy to know he had the magic touch that he'll be excited to do a repeat performance. If that's not the recipe for a great sex life, we don't know what is!
Resolution: Keep the kids from spending every night in bed with you.
It's understandable why you want to bring your young children to bed — it's often the only way you all can get some sleep. But the math is simple: Two parents plus one child in bed equals zero sex. Try this instead: Enforce a "no kids in bed" rule (unless, say, they're sick) and ask your husband to take turns with you getting up when your child starts crying in the middle of the night. This way, you two can do more than just sleep.
Resolution: Decide it's okay to let Dora and the Wiggles do the babysitting.
No one is suggesting you plant the tots in front of the tube for hours on end. But the truth is, there are times — say, Sunday mornings — when popping in the kids' favorite DVD is the only way to get some lovin'. And, trust us, a little extra TV time isn't going to hurt your child as much as some much-needed couple-time is going to help your relationship.
Resolution: Have sex (sometimes) when you're not in the mood.
Like most women, you probably have nights when sex is the last thing on your mind, and you'd give anything to sprawl out and get eight hours of shut-eye. But then your husband gives the signal that he's ready for some nooky. What to do? Well, going along with the idea can actually be a titillating surprise for you. "If he knows how to push your buttons, then having sex when your husband is ready and you're not means it's very likely you'll get aroused once you get going," says Zoldbrod. It can also give you and your husband a boost outside of the bedroom. A recent study by the National Bureau of Economic Research found that sex plays a major role in a person's happiness. Don't think of it as giving in to him, think of it as giving in to pleasure.
Resolution: Use the birth control that's right for you.
Trying to get pregnant? Then spontaneous sex isn't a problem. But if you're not planning to expand your family this month, getting comfortable with your birth control is key to letting loose during sex. "I've seen this make a huge difference in the sex lives of so many women," says Zoldbrod. Diaphragms and condoms are fine, but spur-of-the-moment sex is tricky when you have to fumble around in the dark for them at a pivotal moment. Other options, such as the Pill or a patch, can give you more freedom whenever you and your husband are raring to go. Talk to your doctor about the most effective — and carefree — method for you.
Resolution: Break out of your routine.
Every couple has a tried-and-true method for getting in the mood. But let's be honest — the same old thing can get a bit boring. So mix things up. Even small tweaks can increase the passion in your marriage. Have sex in a different room of the house, make out in the car, take a bath together, spend more than five minutes on foreplay or "exchange three wishes that you want in bed," suggests Cadell. "That way you're playing a game — and a give-give scenario is always a success."
Another tactic: Do things that you and your husband did together in the days before you had children. Shared experiences — such as dancing, going to the gym together or taking a romantic stroll — help you two connect emotionally and see each other as more than simply Mom and Dad. "You're reminded of those butterflies-in-your-stomach early days," says Zoldbrod. "Then you hold hands and, chances are, you come home to have some great sex."