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Even setting the intention to seek marriage help will initiate the process of change that will manifest help for a failing marriage. Acknowledging that you need marriage help is the first and hardest step. Now you have opened up to the idea of seeking marriage help, the new knowledge and wisdom you need to heal your marriage can come to you. Here are 3 unusual marriage help tips to help you put the love and togetherness back into your married life....
Dreaming, not screaming, helps your marriage: If you and your marriage partner are screaming at each other, you might want to consider seeking professional help and guidance from a marriage counselor to heal your rifts. However, try this first: recapture the dream of what you first wanted this marriage to be. Talk or think about when you first met each other, and what attracted you to one another. Share some of your favorite romantic or intimate memories. Bring up some of those really special or thoughtful things your partner did for you. Tell them how much you loved and appreciated that time when he or she did ...(fill in the blank)... for you. Thank them again for giving you that experience. The more you can recapture these memories and shared experiences, the more you can bring that beautiful loving energy back into the present to heal and provide energetic marriage help. From this space, start to discuss what you would like your marriage to be like. Get into a feeling space of what it would be like to have your marriage just the way you want it. Let your desire inspire and excite you. With passion, you can renew your commitment to making this marriage wonderful.
Screwing, not stewing, helps marriages: Marriage help is needed when sexual relations have broken down and been replaced by argument and recrimination. Stop stewing over perceived slights and hurts. Take a deep breath and upgrade your soul with forgiveness. That means let it all go! Dump your toxicity. What you want is a committed marriage full of passion, romance and love. So now you are clear and specific on that you have clear targets to work towards. Start by loving yourself, getting in touch with the love and acceptance within. Do yourself and your partner the service of improving your health and fitness, taking an effort with your appearance, and putting your attention and intention into creating relationship magic. Start showing more affection and warmth to your partner. Melt that iceberg with genuine warmth, care and respect! And as soon as you can, get the intimacy, romance and passion going again between the sheets if you want some serious marriage help.
Flying, not crying, will help marriage: Moping around won't fix a thing. Get up and get busy with your marriage. You want marriage help? It's easy. Stop doing all the crappy things you've been doing and start doing things differently. Commit to creating a fantastic marriage and work at it. Experiment, try different things, follow your intuition -- it resides in your heart. Just get off that damned hamster wheel of habitual ways of acting and reacting to each other. Love is a verb, it's something that you do. You want a fabulous love-filled marriage, don't you? Of course you do! So move quickly. Act decisively. Break up the old ways and patterns. Challenge yourself to bring about this revolution in your life and imagine it full of this vital passionate energy. Marriage help is yours to grab, so reach out and start the process as fast as you can. This is so important. Give your whole energy to this. You deserve a beautiful, love-filled marriage ... and you can and will create it.
Energetics of a Healthy Marriage Relationship
Most of what we know about our relationships we’ve learn from TV, movies or even romance novels. For many women, the idea they will meet their Prince Charming and live happily ever after is something they are brought up believing is true. As a society, we are lead to believe that one day we will meet the man or woman of our dreams, fall in love, get married, have children and live together forever in an idealist world only found in fairy tails. And for a small number of couple this is the case. For the vast majority of us, once the honeymoon is over, what was once thought to be fun, easy and carefree turns into being work, an aspect of a relationship no one really ever considers. Thus instead of addressing the changes that are taking place in our relationship space, where we need to nurture ourselves and our relationship, we instead find ways of diminishing or destroying it.
In a marriage, or any kind of relationship, whether personal or professional, agreements, both spoken and unspoken, are created. For example, at work, we agree to work hard, show up on time and to follow the directives established by the company. In our marriage, we agree to be loving, supportive and faithful. In turn, if someone breaks or violates any of the agreements, we may try to convince ourselves that their bad behavior was ok, but in the end the hurt we experience simply accumulates and over time, we come to the conclusion that enough is enough. Instead of discovering how we can win back our mate’s love an approval, we often times go to our own corner, lick our wounded pride and project an attitude of "I can do it without him" or "I don’t care".
There is a song sang by Brooks & Dunn called "Husbands & Wives". If you are not familiar with the song, it goes like this:
"Two broken hearts lonely looking houses
Where nobody lives
Two people each having so much pride inside
Neither side forgives
The angry words spoken in haste
Such a waste of two lives
It's my belief pride is the chief cause in the decline
Of the number of husbands and wives."
We are taught that pride is a good thing. We are proud of our country, our football teams, our children and our accomplishments. This is the good aspect of pride. It helps us to identify who we are, what we value and helps us create a balanced sense of self. For many of us, however, pride or should I say ego is also mixed with our need to compare ourselves with others. Am I richer, smarter or even better looking than the people around me? Now granted, there are some that are convinced of their superiority over others, but it isn’t the overt sense of pride we are talking about here, but instead the kind that works to protect us from ourselves and our self-doubt.
In a relationship, pride and ego are the enemy of love. Pride, ego and self-esteem are all important aspects of ourselves…yet too much pride can be a bad thing, especially if it means that my needs, my honor, my values come first. This is especially true when we insist that we are right and are unyielding, regardless of the cost to ourselves and others. In the end, no one gets what they want, and neither party is happy.
Let’s look at a relationship from another perspective – from an energetic perspective. Relationships are about creating a dynamic of give and take or as how many people have heard it described, it should be 50-50. Both parties have to be willing to commit their time and energy into making a relationship work. At first this is easy. When we meet and fall in love, everything is new. It is easy for us to put a great deal of ourselves into the relationship. In addition to wanting to spend time with our new love, we will find ourselves thinking about him or her throughout the day and look forward to the time we will spend together. This is a normal part of the process. As we get to know our significant other, we enjoy the process of opening and deepening the feelings of mental and emotional closeness. We can see and feel ourselves getting closer to our partner and this is one of the best parts about falling in love.
This state of drawing closer, over time, begins to shift. It changes from big easily acknowledgeable steps closer to smaller, less noticeable ones. To many, this slowdown feels like the forward movement within the relationship has stopped or even as if they are growing apart from their partner. And while they may still love their spouse, they can find themselves feeling as if they are "falling out of love".
So what has happened. Well first off, the relationship isn’t new anymore. We are no longer easily allured by the new learning’s, the new feelings we experienced when the relationship first started which allowed us to effortlessly pour our energy into the relationship. What happens for most of us, this drive fades away and instead of devoting our attention to our relationship, other things start to claim our attention, our time and our energy, which in the end takes away from the energy dynamics we have with our partner. What we find is instead of it being easy, we now have to make a conscious choice to contribute to the relationship – and this is often where a relationship will fail.
In a healthy relationship our partners need two things from us – our time and our attention. Of the two, our attention is more important. Without paying attention to their wants, needs and desires, we are inadvertently saying to them that they are low on the totem pole. And so even thought we might be spending time with them, this act does not let them know that they are valued in our eyes.
According to an article I read online. It stated that: "Giving time without attention is sort of like leaving a seventeen cent tip at a restaurant... it lets the other person know that you didn't forget, you just didn't think they were worthy of more. It's insulting, whether done consciously, as with the tip, or subconsciously, as with spending time with your significant other without giving them your full attention." How do we give our partner attention? We talk to them, we buy them a nice gift, we make them something, we do something with them. Bottom line, we show them through our thoughts and deeds that we are thinking about them, considering them and we have their welfare in mind.
While not fully on point, let me give you an example. Many years ago I had what I considered a very close friend. As customary, we exchanged gifts for Christmas. That year our relationship was very strained. He was spending a lot of his time and energy making hand made crystal rune sets for everyone he knew – well that is except for me. It was my hope I would be given a very very special set of runes for Christmas – especially because of the close relationship we had. Instead, however, he gave me a silver and turquoise bead bracelet with matching earrings. Now don’t get me wrong, it was nice but to anyone, and I mean anyone who knew me, they could readily see that it was something I would never ever wear.
This experience left me feeling devalued, that he wasn’t thinking about me at all. Through his actions or lack of consideration it really hurt our long standing friendship. And I’m sharing this, because he was just a close friend. Just think about how much more devastating something like this can be when it happens in your relationship with your spouse. Our mental involvement in our relationships is critical. If we don’t show our mate that we were thinking about them specifically, it loses some if not all of its value in their eyes. Thankfully, we can all fall in love again. A successful relationship requires that we place our partner ahead of our wants and needs, our likes and dislikes. By doing so, we will find that our partner will respond (that is unless the relationship is too damaged) in turn. This happens when we wake up one day and realize that our partner has fallen from our attention for too long, when we recognize that we need our spouse in our lives or that we want to share our lives with them.
As we begin to put our attention back into our relationship, we can again close the gap that has opened between us and our spouse. This will create feelings of falling in love and help to rekindle the feelings of love that were once shared. It opens the flow of energy from one person to the other and helps to create a state of love and joy within the marriage. This flow of energy supports us as we let go of the ravages and walls that our ego and pride have constructed. As our heart melts, we can again begin to feel the love that was already and always there. When we feel loved, we feel safe and secure enough to open our hearts and minds to another. It gives us the opportunity to express our essence and share feelings of peace, serenity, happiness, compassion and patience with them. It is then that we can begin to celebrate our union and oneness with another and truly go riding into the sunset and live happily ever after.
Intimacy in Marriage
Intimacy is a crucial element in marriage. There are many things that can help or hurt the fragile intimacy in a committed relationship. To develop intimacy, both partners need to play an active role in making sure that love is inspired, you give each other respect, and you are both honest and open with each other. Take a look at these intimacy life givers and intimacy killers to improve your marriage relationship.
Life giver: Respect one another as adults. Treat each other with love and care. That means don’t speak in a condescending manner to each other, don’t use disrespectful language towards each other, and don’t physically harm each other.
Killer: Looking down on your partner destroys self-image and trust. This causes your partner to pull away. Cutting each other’s words off or yelling at each other and is disrespectful. It is hard to be open and get close to someone who will not carefully listen and does not control their anger.
Life giver: Enjoying sex as a celebration of love, an ending to a period of good quality time, or because of feeling close emotionally. Savor the time and give your whole self into it. Focus on your partner and don’t be afraid to look deep into their eyes. Enjoy not only the physically bond, but the emotional and spiritual bond.
Killer: Having sex as an obligation, due to stimulus other than your partner, or purposely neglecting to have sex as a form of punishment for offense, or ransom for a demand. Sex should be inspired and not forced or begged for. Sex is better when all you need is them to excite you. Eliminating outside sexual stimulus can enhance the sex with your partner physically. Sex should not be used as a means of bargaining or teasing your partner. Disputes should be worked out before engaging in sex, but the denial of sex should not be a threat.
Life giver: Showing your partner that you love them in different ways. A simple hug, a small gift, an ‘I love you’ text, or an act of service are all different ways to let them know you are thinking about them. People can receive love in many different ways, and usually there is a favorite way that you partner wants you to show love. Find out that favorite way your partner likes to be shown love and cater to it. Make sure they know your favorite way to be loved.
Killer: Showing love in only one way. Not paying attention when your partner expresses that they need a certain kind of expression of love or feels neglected. Don’t allow pride to tell you, "I do a good job of loving them." Your partner can tell you better if you are meeting their needs.
Life giver: Inspiring love.
Killer: Demanding love.
Life giver: Forgiving offenses and letting things go is major key to keeping a relationship healthy. If you feel hurt, think about whether or not you really believe your partner hurt you on purpose. If there is a major issue, talk it over with them, otherwise just let it go.
Killer: Holding grudges, expecting your partner to read your mind, and demanding an apology. If you hold a grudge you will be more likely to pull away from intimacy, start arguments, and become unnecessarily defensive.
Using these intimacy life givers and avoiding the intimacy killers can make your marriage relationship much healthier and happier.
Married!!! Do You Have Enough Time?
Let me ask you...do you know how many hours a day you SHOULD be spending on your marriage?
A happy, healthy marriage requires that time is spent WITH each other, ON each other and FOR each other. Unfortunately, most couples forget this and focus on other things they consider (at the time) to be a "priority".
So just what are some of the demands are married couples faced with?
- Planning and attending the children’s events
- Fussing over wedding, shower, christening, birthday and anniversary gifts for loved ones
- Taking care of pets and day-to-day household chores
- Maintaining the home and vehicles
- Attending and preparing for church related events and gatherings
- Spending time with extended family and friends
Add to this the fact that some couples are faced with serious "road blocks" that put a great deal of pressure on their marriage such as:
- Dealing with a serious illness in the family
- Elderly parent moving into the house
- An affair
- A serious accident
- Financial struggles such as bankruptcy or maxed out credit cards
- Loss of a child or loved one
- And the list goes on…
I can explain what a good marriage is based on what men and women need to be happy in marriage. In fact, I’ll get right down to it…. A man needs sexual intimacy and respect.
A woman needs financial security and emotional security.
When I work with couples, I give them these definitions and then ask them to give me a percentage on how much they are getting these needs on a 100% to 0% scale.
Over the years, I have found that in all good marriages, they each give me a rating between the 80% to 100% range. This means that a husband’s wife builds him up, overlooks his faults, looks for what’s good about him and takes a genuine…well, let me not waste words.
In a perfect world, men and women would have these two signs posted their bathroom so they could read it on a consistent basis while they prepare for their busy day. I guarantee that any couple who even comes close to these definitions would tell you they are generally very happy in their marriage.
So how much TIME does it take to create this ideal marriage? After dealing with all the day-to-day life issues listed on the time chart you saw earlier, the remaining hours left for your marriage could EASILY be spent on watching TV.
TV is easy. It requires no thinking, no physical activity, no interaction with other people and no sacrifice on your part. You just sit down and let the cares of the day slowly drift away while you consume yourself with your favorite TV show.
The Neilson study about time use dramatizes the fact that Television is the #1 form of entertainment in the Nation. Nothing else even comes close in terms of time commitment. Americans in general are looking for the easy life that Television delivers.
It’s a fact that no relationship is as intense, demanding or as fulfilling as a marriage can be. It is the toughest, yet the most rewarding relationship you can have with another person. So WHY then do we choose to make EVERYTHING ELSE our top priority while we leave only 4 measly hours a week devote to our marriage?
Now think about this because I guarantee you haven't before. Does anyone actually care about the health of YOUR relationship, your connection with each other and your marriage? In this society, marriage is the goose that lays the golden eggs and my point is no one really cares about the goose.
Let me prove my point that your marriage is the goose and everyone wants your "golden eggs". Your children don't care about your marriage …..until mom and dad are in big trouble and can't stop fighting. Both sets of your parents don't care about YOUR marriage.
In reality they care about their own son or daughter in the marriage, not the marriage itself. Your extended family members don't care about YOUR marriage …but they do care that you bring a gift for nephews, nieces and come to the party…but they have nothing to say about your marriage.
Friends don't care about YOUR marriage. They are polite to you as a couple, but really care about you as individuals…the person they knew BEFORE the wedding.
Your kid’s school won't care about your marriage. They just need to know which one of you is going to volunteer for the fund drive or show up for parent teacher night.
It’s rare for churches - synagogues to care for your marriage. For most, it’s just not on their radar. They have no preventative maintenance program for married couples to keep them from falling into disrepair.
When it comes to assets, the goose of your marriage has got the goods. Marriage makes the two of you more stable and financially successful because of your union. Together you produce the golden eggs that build a strong Nation. Marriage has been ignored in this country thought it is the most VALUABLE and BENEFICIAL of all relationships.
No one has suggested "National Marriage Day" to bring to light the fact that marriages must be cared for and nurtured. We must protect the goose that lays the golden eggs. Instead what we have is a "goose killing society" because they don’t understand marriage.
When a marriage falls apart, friends, relatives, coworkers, schools, and even religious organization don't know what to tell you. They don’t know what to do because very few people understand what it takes to create a successful marriage and even FEWER people know why marriages fall apart.
With this background in mind, it’s easy to see how the two of you will be influenced to put your priorities where everyone says your priorities should be…ON THEM! This is the reason your time, (one of the goose’s major assets) is freely given away to everyone else and only 4 hours a week is left for the male and female halves of the goose, to take care of itself.
If no one cares about the health of your marriage and the two of you don't care either, then where does that leave your family? Who will care enough to keep your marriage together if the two of you don't even know how? Who in this society will strengthen your marriage if not the two of you?
The answer is NO ONE…because no one cares about the goose. And this brings me to my conclusion that… "Only a HEALTHY Goose Can Lay Golden Eggs"
Hopefully you can now see that your marriage is the goose that lays the golden eggs. Together, you create secure and successful children that will shape our future and the future of our Grandchildren.
Together, you pay the taxes that run our cities, the mortgages that build new homes and create the wealth of society. It is as husband and wife that the two of you contribute to a strong society. Together, your savings and investments make this a stronger Nation…as a union, the two of you lay the golden eggs that contribute to our great Nation…and the prosperity of every human being on the planet for that matter.
So how do you take care of the goose, how to you keep your marriage strong? You must talk to each other to strengthen the goose. Talk…as in CONVERSATION, not just in passing. Talking, sharing ideas and listening to each other takes time and 4 hours a week is the absolute MINIMUM amount of time that you should spend doing this activity.
Talk openly and be sure not to criticize each other while you are talking. This will add depth to your relationship and keep your marriage strong. Probably the most well worn piece of marriage advice is to plan a "date night" on a regular basis.
You plan that date and suddenly the world of demanders comes and tries to steal even that little time from the goose. Don’t let it happen. Take a closer look at all the time restraints on your marriage that you would normally use to serve the needs of others and remember that Only a Healthy Goose Lays Golden Eggs, and improving your marriage takes time. It will not happen overnight.
You need to be in a good state of mind when the two of you face the unexpected and uninvited troubles of life that might take the form of bankruptcy, a sick child, or various kinds of addictions that could affect either of you.
If collectively, you are not a "healthy goose", those troubles can rip the goose apart and one-million five hundred thousand divorces a year prove it. In times of trouble, you must talk to each other MORE, not less. To talk, you need to feel safe with each other. To feel safe, both of you need to really listen to each other without judgment.
If you have to vent your troubles and worries, take turns, then put it all behind you. IT ALL TAKES TIME.