| || || |
One of the fastest ways to drain the love out of a relationship is to be extremely insecure. In order to love and be loved, you need to love yourself and be confident in who you are.
Do you think that you deserve to be loved? This is an important element in a healthy and long lasting relationship. Many people struggle with feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, but these negative emotions plague some people more than others. Here is how insecurity can harm a potentially great relationship.
Insecurity can make you overly jealous: The slightest hint of a connection between your significant other and someone else could drive you to outright accusations against them. It is not fair to expect him or her to cease all communications with everyone else, and you should not be comparing yourself to every person that they come in contact with. They are with you for a reason, and you should feel good about that.
It can make it difficult to open up to your partner: Some people feel that if they revealed whom they truly are inside, they would be rejected. There is always a risk of this happening, but anyone who doesn't love you for who you truly are should be with you anyway. Emotional intimacy is important in healthy relationships, and you are only driving the other person away by not letting them really get to know you.
Trusting your significant other is difficult when you are insecure: Thoughts of your partner cheating on you or leaving you can plague your mind and practically torture you. It can get to the point where you think they are lying to you when they are not, and you can make fault assumptions about their character based on suspicion that is completely unjustified. This can hurt your partner, or even make them angry. It is frustrating to try to be loving and faithful to someone who doesn't believe that you are sincere.
Talking negatively about yourself can take away from your attractiveness: Insecure people sometimes put themselves down in front of others. This is a defense tactic that they use to protect themselves against other people putting them down. It can simply be unattractive, and it is easy to lose interest in someone who doesn't believe that they are interesting, good, appealing, and pleasantly unique.
Insecurity can make it difficult for you to accept love from others: It is really hurtful when someone you care about doesn't accept you love. If you reject someone because you think that you aren't good enough for them, it hurts just the same as any other reason. They think that you are special and that you deserve the affection and attention. Take their word for it, and embrace their acts of love.
Overcoming self-doubts can be really difficult, but you don't have to do it alone. You can talk it out and learn how to love yourself. Once you understand what it means to love yourself, you can love others amazingly. That is a huge factor in having good relationships of any kind. Take the steps to let go of your insecurities, and embrace what love has to offer you.
Make Both Partners Happy
With every relationship, be it new or old, insecurities may come into play. Although it sounds good in theory to let go of old baggage from past relationships, that's about as easy as telling someone not to love her mother. With every experience from ex-significant others, a person learns something new about herself and about the other person. Instead of forgetting the past, learn from it. Here are ways to be less insecure in a relationship.
Inquire about the activities of his day-to-day life in employment. Co-workers are common "others" in a relationship because a person can spend more time at work than he can at home. If you knew about his career choice going into the relationship, it makes no sense to try to change him. If your significant other is doing something that he cannot control (ex. going on a business trip) for his own career, make sure you are comfortable with these trips. If you know you are so clingy that you cannot imagine being away from your significant other for long stretches of time, this relationship will never work unless he brings you along. And if he doesn't want to bring you or you become a nuisance to management, this could hurt his career. In any relationship, both parties must be supportive of the others' career moves, especially if they are long-term dreams. Instead of being a nightmare to his dreams, try asking him to check in every now and then to assure you that you are on his mind.
Communicate with your significant other about your past relationships and his. There are those who will say that no one wants to hear about your exes, but it is good information for your current significant other to know. This way, this person will know what to do and what not to do before things get too serious, and he'll be aware of sensitive issues. Be careful not to compare the two people. There's a reason your ex and your current significant other are in two different bodies—they're two different people regardless of similarities you may create in your own imagination. Give your significant other the chance to prove he's different instead of looking for parallels.
Pay attention to his outside activities when you met him. If he regularly spent Sunday afternoons with his friends watching sports, asking him to suddenly stop this and hang with you instead is unfair. Before you came along, he was used to having this time to bond with his buddies. You may like him so much that you want to be around him when he's with his friends, but do not invite yourself. If he wants you around when he's watching the game, he'll invite you. Be cognizant of his friends though. They were there before, and if you two break up, his friends will probably still be there. As much as he likes you, that doesn't mean his friends have to want to hang out with you too. Try spending time with your own friends and family too if you want to get your mind off of his presence.
Tread lightly around his family. He may be completely in love with you, but the special part about family is that they're blood regardless. Instead of trying to force your way into being as important as his family, let the relationship gradually build. There will be times when he may pick his children over you or you over his mother or vice versa, but consider the significance of your own family. To a man who is extremely family-oriented, it is hard to bear when someone wants him to push his family to the side for you, regardless of how much you two like each other. If you cannot get along with his family, avoid family gatherings and uncomfortable moments when you all have to be together by bringing a book; riding in a separate car so you can leave when you like; or bring a friend along to be a support system if his family members rub you the wrong way.
Ask your significant other to introduce you to his current friends, both female and male. You know your significant other's mannerisms—when he's aroused, when he's sad, when he's mad, when he's nervous. By observing how he acts around his friends, you may catch on to whether the two are legitimate friends or do they have a past. And if your significant other admits that the two did have a past, you can observe whether past has become present again. Note: Men and women can be platonic friends. Making him give up friends that he's had all his life makes you look insecure and jealous, and it is not fair to him, especially if he's been faithful. By asking him to give up female friends he had before you came along, you are accusing him of guilt with no chances of innocence.
The one thing both criminals and police officers can agree on is to beware of empty threats. Sometimes people in a relationship never got that memo though. Avoid threatening to do something in a relationship that you know you don't want to do, such as break-up. If you feel you're about to say something you don't mean, ask your significant other to leave; get off the phone; or walk away from the situation before warnings escalate. It is human to get heated in the middle of an argument, but so much extra drama can be avoided if both parties take a breath of fresh air. Insecurities build up when, even after apologies are made and words are supposedly forgotten, one significant other can recall a hurtful comment made by the other and continues to let it eat at her.
Both partners have to strip themselves of lying. Sometimes one significant other may feel that the other cannot handle the truth of a situation, but once a person tells so many lies, he has to keep up with them and women tend to play unpaid detectives. Men, with a long attention span, can become Inspector Gadget too. When one significant other continuously lies, it makes every single thing he says sound suspicious. To avoid that, just don't lie at all. If you or he would rather not comment on a topic, just say you'd rather not talk about it at this time or explain why you don't want to give your honest answer. If your significant other keeps pushing you, tell the truth. It'll clear your conscience and save both of you the investigation room visit later.
Do not make fun of each other's beliefs. If you're Agnostic and he's Christian, making slick jokes about how the other person is somehow wrong about his morals does nothing to help the relationship. Instead, be willing to support his beliefs regardless of whether you agree with him or not. You don't have to convert, but it sure would make him a lot more comfortable if you were willing to be by his side through spiritual events. Just keep your religious opinions to yourself unless asked because chances are he's heard them before and knows where you stand. As long as neither party tries to force the other one into being of their religion, you two should be okay.
Make sure anyone from your past who you regularly have to communicate with is respectful of your current significant other. In hip hop pioneer, reality show host, and businessman Reverend Run's life (of Run DMC), he says in his book "Take Back Your Family" that when he gets a call from his ex-wife, he puts the call on speakerphone so his present wife, Justine, can hear the entire conversation. He doesn't do it to make either woman feel uncomfortable but just so both know there's nothing to hide. Even if you don't want to be this extreme, running to another room or always trying to talk privately to someone you're supposedly not with anymore can raise alarms with your significant other.
Observe your surroundings, and look at them from your significant other's perspective. If you see you are doing things that you wouldn't want your significant other to do, stop doing them. It could be as harmless as having "Single" in your MySpace profile when she has "In a Relationship" to show she's proud of the companionship you two share. But it could be more intense like having photos of ex-boyfriends or past sexual friends in your cell phone, at work, or framed to your wall. Chances are your significant other is not comfortable with you surrounding yourself with men from your past, especially if you don't have even one photo of him in plain sight. If he asks you to take it down, take it down. Put it in a photo album if you just want to keep all of your shots or somewhere out of eyesight, but take into consideration how another person feels.
And if all of these steps fail and you still feel insecure in the relationship, as difficult as it may be to grasp, this person just may not be the one for you. It happens. Everybody is not compatible, be it mentally; sexually; or financially. But forcing yourself to be in a relationship that is destined to be a lifetime of stress can send you both to an early grave. If you see too many signs of unhappiness before the relationship is serious enough for marriage, end it. If you are married, seek counseling to see if it can be worked out. But life is far too short to give someone else the key to make your life unhappy.
Are You Insecure in Your Relationship? Know the Reasons
Insecurity can be a deadly thing and once it attacks, it can get pretty difficult for us to curb the strong emotions no matter how much we try. Insecurity can be a very huge problem in a relationship that's why you better do something about it before it spirals out of control. Be calm and settle the issue with a clear mind and rationality. Having a temper and throwing into a series of tantrums won't make you go anywhere. Here are a few tips on how to curb being insecure in your relationship and know how to make it stop:
Identify the reasons why you're insecure. Is your partner giving you reasons to be jealous? Or are you just plainly paranoid when they're out with their friends? List down the reasons why you do and determine why you feel that way. Reaching for the root of your problems will make it far easier to solve them.
Deal with it in yourself, inside and out. Confronting your partner about it all the time and ending up not solving anything at all (simply because you just won't take any) can bruise your relationship little by little. Give some space to breathe in and try to learn how to trust.
Love yourself. Maybe you're just spending too much time with your relationship that you've neglected to get a life. Make time to do your hobbies and interests, reach out for your friends or give your family a visit. It's all about the balance. And sometimes, insecurity is just all in the head.
Although communication with your partner is always the best remedy to determine, address and solve issues, there are just some things that you have to deal with personally. Sometimes, there are some hard-up issues we have built within ourselves and there's nobody else who can fix but us.
Dealing With Insecurities in a Relationship
Insecurity between partners in a relationship can be one of the most difficult and hard to solve problems that you may ever encounter. Use these simple steps to identify the source of the insecurities and to make them go away.
Step 1The first step in dealing with the insecurities found in any relationship is to open up a line of direct communication with the other person involved. Failing to communicate can be a problem in itself, as well as a source of angst for both parties. To begin, set aside a block of time exclusively devoted to communicating with your partner. It can be set up on a recurring basis, such as once every week, or randomly, such as whenever troubles arise. Once you've established a time for effective communication, eliminate all distractions that hinder your ability to communicate. Turn off the TV, get rid of the kids, turn off the cell phones, etc. Then, open up a dialogue about how you are feeling, what you are thinking, what you see as a problem, and what you see that is good with your relationship. Many times, this open effort at communication assures your partner that you are ready and willing to deal with these problems and makes them easier to solve.
Step 2The next step in dealing with insecurities in a relationship is to promote trust and loyalty by doing what you say you will and not doing what you say you will not do. That may sound too easy, but if you really think about it, your partner probably has insecurities about your relationship because of the past actions that you have taken. You told them you would not see or talk to a certain person, but you did. You told them you would not spend money on something ever again, but you did. You told them you would take care of a problem, but you didn't. All of these actions or inactions serve as a source of insecurities in a relationship. The easiest way to prevent these problems is to just do what you said that you would do and honor your word.
Step 3The final step is that you must realize that some insecurity comes from a completely rational and sane place. For example, your husband may have good reason to be insecure when he sees you talking to some super-hot, athletic jock at the gym. However, some insecurity stems from an irrational place in the psyche of your partner that they have carried with them from their childhood. For example, adults that have dealt with divorce as a child may have serious trust issues that lead to insecurity in any relationship they have. In their unconscious mind, they think you will leave them, because their father walked out on their mother and them. Also, victims of abuse have difficulty trusting others and getting "close" since they have been hurt before. It is important for you, to consider the history of your significant other and think about where these insecurities come from. In understanding their origins, you can better adapt and deal with them and hopefully have a better relationship.
Stop Being the String Along: A Relationship Guide to Being THE ONE
Price: $14.00 & eligible for FREE Super Saver Shipping on orders over $25.
You Save: $3.95 (22%)