I'm Bored With My Marriage - Getting the Spark Back

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I'm Bored With My Marriage - Getting the Spark Back

With all the pressures of life, work and family, often times a marriage can become boring. One day blurs into the next and there is no romance or excitement anymore, instead just the same exact routine as the day before. If you keep finding yourself thinking "I'm bored with my marriage," there are things you can do to recapture that spark that you and your partner once felt for each other.

One of the best and easiest ways to bring excitement back into a marriage is to start dating again. Now, of course I'm talking about dating your spouse - not someone else! Think back to the early days of your relationship when you were first starting to date or shortly after you got married. Chances are that it was a lot more exciting than your marriage is now. Part of the reason that it was more exciting is because you and your partner spent time together doing fun things and talking to each other.

Over time in just about any marriage the pressures of work, family and life slowly creep in and before you know it you and your spouse stop spending any fun, quality time together. That's when things become boring. Even if you do spend time together chances are you talk about things like your finances, children, or day to day problems that need addressing. While all of those things are important to discuss they aren't very romantic and don't help bring excitement into your marriage.

To combat this and regain excitement in your marriage, try setting up a date night each week with your spouse. If you have children hire a babysitter in advance for that night so you are more likely to stick to it each week. If you have strict work schedules find a time that works for both of you and stick to it. Make a pact with your spouse that neither of you is allowed to cancel date night - after all, your marriage is very important and is worth spending a little time each week to nurture and grow.

Try to avoid dates like movies where you don't have a chance to talk to each other and instead find activities where you can reconnect and get to know each other again. Also commit to not talking about problems like work or family issues during your date - you have plenty of time to talk about those things outside of date time and you should make every effort to make your dates fun, carefree and enjoyable for both of you. One great way to get closer to someone is to find an activity that neither of you have tried but you both would like to do - like taking dance classes, bowling, skydiving or any other activity that sounds exciting.

If your spouse is not totally on board tell them how much it means to you and try to plan an activity that they would really enjoy. As you spend more time together your love with grow and you will regain the excitement that you once felt for each other.
A Testimony: In Defense of the Boring Marriage
In the past few days, on my own website, my life has been reduced to vanilla pudding. I am dull, devoid of passion, pedestrian, the human equivalent of a “yawning chubby house cat,” says Meghan, summarizing Cristina Nehring’s new book Vindication of Love, the caged bird who forgot how to sing. This is because I am trapped in something that goes by the clinical name of “companionate marriage,” and worse, I like it.

Unlike Sandra Tsing Loh, I can not load my possessions into a trailer and head for the open road. I can not even easily spend an evening giggling with my girlfriends without a lot of complicated pre-arrangements. Unlike Nehring, I can not swoon for the mustachioed stranger without a whole lot of baggage coming down on my head. All I can do, apparently, is bark at my husband to pack the lunches and shove him out of my bed to make room for the whimpering children. In the feminist choice between security and passion, they all say, I have picked the wrong side.

I protest. This “choice” is less something that plagues the whole of womankind than an affliction of artists, and it reappears in various forms. It strikes me as a subtle variation on the equally false choice between madness/creativity and sanity/dullness. For every great suffering artists she names (Emily Dickinson, Sylvia Plath), I can name you a happily married one (Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Joan Didion).

Nehring writes that in shying away from any power difference, women give up the erotic and the mysterious. There is something to that. But the fact is, for women the power difference came with too much pain: a chador, suicide, or in the case of David Pogue’s wife, a lifetime of acting as his social secretary with the small reward of being publicly declared “sainted.”

When we, the “smug marrieds,” as Bridget Jones called us, accept the term “companionate,” we have already lost the fight. It sounds like a Japanese rent-a-friend, a new brand of artificial sweetener or at best, a highly technical term. If some people choose to think of their marriage as “work” and child-rearing as a “profession” that’s their loss. There is a great amount of mystery that flows through a lifetime of love, both for your husband and your children. There is, believe it or not, also terror, and passion, and all the ecstasies Nehring describes. I too have been derailed by love and hospitalized by love, as Nehring has, but I am happy to leave that behind. She can keep her hospital room. I’ll take the lifetime of bliss. 

http://tinyurl.com/yg8qvcaYour Marriage is Boring - Create a Relationship That Isn't! 

Dating, engagement, marriage, honeymoon, kids, and then....blah...
  • Do you remember when you actually dated?

  • Do you remember when you actually had to pursue your quarry?

  • Don't you miss the exhilaration of conquest?

After 2.2 kids, 10+ years of marriage, most men (and women) forget how much fun they had when they went out of their way to actually impress one another. If you want those feelings again (and who doesn't) you have to actually DATE YOUR WIFE!

Now I am not talking about "date night" where once every week or two, you go out to dinner or a movie without the kids...any moron can do that! If you really want to add TRUE excitement and spice into your boring life, then you must pursue and conquer. Your masculine tendencies MUST be quenched. If you want to create the smokin' hot wife of your dreams, take some time, do some research! Talk with other people who have unlocked the "keeping it fresh" code of marriage.

Excitement, intrigue, and "newness" are things that clearly stimulate the senses. However, after many years of marriage, you both know ALL of each other's stories. You can complete each other's sentences and you know EXACTLY what works in the bedroom. While this leads to comfort and familiarity it also leads to complacency and boredom. If you want to feel "alive" and experience a little "danger" in your sex life, then remember the following things:

  1. Men like to conquer. Chase your woman. Ladies, don't make it easy. 

  2. Any activity that adds excitement is good. Try new places, personalities, and accents

  3.  Talk about your fantasies. Sharing them verbally can be as exciting as acting them out. 

  4. Treat her like a princess. The more you put her on a pedestal, the more she'll want you. 

  5. Talk, share, and talk some more! The more you express yourself, the easier this will be.

Now, many people are too shy to play out the scenario below. My wife had the hardest time trying to pretend not to notice me and to really feel "single" for this tryst. Keep in mind the more you RELY on circumstances and chance to intertwine this exercise, the better. When you don't KNOW what is going to happen, the excitement and natural adrenaline will build up. Role playing where you know the lines, results, and conclusion is just a show. The more you leave to chance, the better. Don't have set lines and ideas like, "now you'll do this, and I'll say that" because that won't build any tension. It will just be a play that nobody is watching.

Set some ground rules and perhaps a new personality. But DO NOT let each other know anything else. The more you re-enact a scene the more predictable it will be. The more you leave the actions, lines and results to chance the more exciting it will be! Below is a little scenario I've use every once in a while in my 20+ years of marriage to double the excitement and triple the pleasure!

  • Let your wife know to be excited and to feel alive, that you must pursue and conquer. 

  • This isn't role playing. You both must understand each other's real needs. 

  • Send her out and let her buy a seductive outfit. Get edgy. A little sluty is OK. 

  • Before you go out, tell her to go to a bar, take off her ring and relax. 

  • Show up 15-20 minutes later and remember what you USED to do to get meet women! 

  • Tell her NOT to immediately act interested in you. Playing hard to get makes it more fun. 

  • It can be more stimulating if she has had a drink or two before you arrive. 

  •  If you are feeling very confident, ask her to flirt with a guy or two. 

  • When you arrive and "win her over" both of your egos are satisfied. 

  • Don't end it here...when you leave, have sex in the car or go to a hotel.

Dating is simply a word for the animal urges that we all have. Our DNA isn't wired for grocery stores, cubicles, and 7 minutes of sex 2 times per week, as men we are wired to kill the wooly mammoth, protect our families from saber-toothed tigers, and populate the earth! Now the first two species are extinct. The declining masculinity of the male gender puts us on the endangered species list. Don't let it happen to you. Let your woman know that you are a man, and that you are going to protect her and provide for her. Being strong, seductive, and strong is a definite turn on for her. After you seduce your wife again, take her back to your cave (not by the hair, necessarily) and make love like cave people! If you are smooth AND strong, she will thank you for it!

Energize Your Marriage: What To Do When Your Relationship Gets Boring

Of course it’s great news for actors to get a prized role on Broadway and star in a play that lasts for years. 

But here’s the bad news: when they play a demanding role six times a week for several years, the part can get stale. When performers start sleep walking through the role, the end is near. 

The challenge is how to stay fresh and leave the audience spellbound after a thousand performances . 

What do they do? They keep finding fresh ways of expressing themselves while maintaining the integrity of the character and the play. This requires creativity and the willingness to dig deep within themselves to develop the nuances to stay fresh for every performance.

Screen actors need only to hit the perfect notes once and the performance is captured forever. Live actors don’t have that luxury. 

So what is the connection to your relationship? It seems to me in the beginning of a relationship, most of the right notes are hit. They are easy and effortless. True love is finally found. 

Over time, the routine sets in. The script becomes predictable. You stop digging deeper to keep things fresh. The play becomes stale. The finger pointing (silently or out loud) begins. The show is in danger of shutting down. 

BUT you have advantages that the best actors on Broadway don’t have. You are not limited to the same script every day. You are both the actor and director in your relationship play.

If you don’t like how a scene is being played out, you can change the dialogue, the intensity, the meaning of it, and even the timing of it. ( “Let’s finish this scene later when we both have more energy.”) 

Because you and your partner are both the architects and the main actors in your play, you have enormous latitude to energize specific scenes: coming home after work, going to bed, weekend chores, vacations, holidays, parenting, daily responsibilities, managing money, etc.

Keep looking for ways to energize and stay fresh with your partner.


Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at  MetroSexual LA


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Comment on this post

Steven Aadams 01/29/2010 02:47

Bored with her marriage, a young wife and mother believes she has found away to reignite passion and romance in her life. Doubts begin to cloud her dream, but desperation drives her to follow the
illusion in her heart until she is confronted by love.