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Freedom is something that we all need and desire. Its a no wonder that almost all the constitutions in the world have a provision for it. No one should control a relationship and no one should allow someone to control their relationship. This is because when you allow someone to control what you do, it won't be long before you start seeking approval of everything you do. It does not necessarily mean you should not seek approval of your partner, you should. But if your partner keeps telling you what you can do and what you cannot you are in a Controlled love Relationship. Most of the time people who control their partners have a lot of insecurities to deal with. If your partner is doing any of these mentioned things you should know you are in a Controlled love Relationship.
A Controlled love Relationship is one where one mate has a say in everything you do. They control who you talk to. Most of the time they will dictate to you the friends you should talk to and the ones you should not. If you dared to go against your partners wish, he or she might become very violent. In some extreme cases a controlling partner might even ask you not to talk to members of your family. Your partner could give you and excuse that the members of your family do not like him or her much. This however should not be a reason enough for you not to talk to anyone.
A Controlled love Relationship is one where you have a specific time to reach home. If you reach a minute later you will have to account for the late time. Calling to tell your partner you will be late will not help much. Some people in Controlled love Relationships might think their partners love them. This is because the controlling partners wants to spend time with them. People who love you will give you a chance to be yourself, to be late when you can not help it and to let you stay by yourself sometimes. Every one needs an alone time sometimes.
A Controlled love Relationship is one where one partner dictates to the other where they can go and where they cannot go. Sometimes it goes to an extent of barring you from going to a place of worship. They are scared you might meet with someone and you might end up loving that person more than you love them. If you go there and they find out, there will be trouble waiting for you when you get back. They will do anything in their power including instilling fear in you so that you never go against their wishes. Do not stay in a Controlled love Relationship, you will only get out a wounded person. Go get help and if possible get help for your controlled partner. Convince your partner to go see a psychiatrist and have a wonderful relationship free from all controlling factors. You do not want to loose your sanity while in a Controlled love Relationship.
About Controlling Spouses
A controlling spouse is emotionally and psychologically harmful, potentially dangerous and very common. The most crucial factor in a relationship with a controlling spouse is recognizing the problem before it spirals out of hand. This article explains the hows and whys of controlling spouses, and illustrates how to handle one once he is spotted.
A controlling spouse is a person who seeks total control over every aspect of his partner's life. This type of person demands his partner divulge every detail of her absence, commonly including the presentation of proof with which to back it all up, such as vehicle odometer readings, receipts and testimonies from those who were with her. A controlling spouse will also drop in unannounced at places of work, classrooms, friends' and family members' homes to ensure he is being obeyed; and if he is not, a threat of physical harm is typically issued.
The need for total control in a relationship stems from a low self-worth and self-esteem. A controlling spouse typically suffers from delusional jealousy, which is jealousy of a partner when there is no actual infidelity or threat of such. This type of spouse constantly needs reassurance that his partner will not stray from him, hence he begins overseeing every aspect of his partner's life. His primary fear here is that his partner will go somewhere unattended and meet someone with whom she might better relate or enjoy more. With his low self-worth and self-esteem, he is certain his partner will choose the other person over him. In this instance, the spouse's control is a defensive reaction aimed at ensuring his happiness and emotional wellness by maintaining his relationship and the fidelity of his partner.
A relationship that has a controlling partner is doomed from the outset. The imbalance in the power of the relationship will lead to mistrust and envy from the controlling spouse's partner; and with no way to satiate his need for control and establish trust in his partner, thereby freeing her, the controlling spouse's very methods of maintaining the relationship drive it to ruin. The problem that commonly arises when a partner of a controlling spouse want out is that her very unhappiness aggravates the insecurity of the controlling spouse, thereby causing him to exert more control over his partner. The process becomes cyclical and potentially dangerous. The more control the controlling spouse obtains, the less likely he will be willing to let his partner out of the relationship.
Controlling spouses have commonly resorted to verbal, physical and emotional abuse. Unfortunately, these heightened means of control typically scare the victim into remaining in the relationship for fear of what may happen if she attempts to leave. The prevention of such a relationship is difficult, as the early signs of control are typically so subtle that it is too late by the time they become evident to the victim. That is why it is important to consult a friend or family member and avoid isolation.. Any person who finds herself already in a relationship with a controlling spouse or partner is urged to contact a crisis management organization such as the National Domestic Violence Hotline for crisis assistance.
You can mistake a jealous partner for a controlling spouse. Jealousy is a common aspect of any healthy relationship. It can be recognized and effectively dealt with by communication between partners. However, jealousy is also a trait of controlling partners. To tell the difference, look for other indications of a controlling spouse, such as an alarming rate of loss of control in daily decisions and a pattern of abuse (look especially for verbal and emotional abuse, as they are the most common subtle abuses) in conjunction with one another. If the distinction between the two is increasingly difficult to tell, discuss the matter with your partner. If he is elusive and/or abusive, contact a crisis management organization as soon as possible for a professional opinion.
Signs Of A Controlling Spouse
Signs of a controlling spouse can come in many different ways, and often times it can start out quite meaningless, but then it can grow to where the victim is no longer to do anything on their own.
Often times the circle of controlling behavior can go around and around. Here is a quick example of what happens a lot in a controlling relationship;
The controlling spouse treats the victim nicely at the beginning of the relationship.
The controlling spouse then starts controlling the victim more and more.
The spouse apologizes and tried to make up.
The relationship is good again for a little while.
Then the circle continues with more controlling behavior.
If you are not sure if your spouse is trying to control you, here are a few things to think about. Understand that all relationships are different, these are just examples and are not meant to be definite signs of controlling spouse.
Does your spouse allow you to use the car? What about credit cards and money? Are you able to use a cell phone to call other people besides your spouse?
A controlling spouse will often start controlling the victim slowly, but then build up to never trusting the spouse and always being suspicious of them. Many times the controlling spouse will let the victim use a cell phone, but only so that they can call them to make sure that the victim is where they are suppose to be, or to find out what they are doing.
If you feel that you might be in a controlling relationship, be sure to seek advice from professional qualified doctor or educator. Knowing the signs of a controlling spouse is the first step in getting help before the situation gets any worse.
How Does a Controlling Spouse Affect a Relationship?
When one spouse is controlling, the more passive spouse usually suffers from low self-esteem. The controlling spouse tends to make all of the decisions for the household, implying that the other spouse in incompetent. The controlling spouse will overrule any decisions made by the more passive spouse, increasing the self-perceived sense of inferiority. If there are children in the relationship, they will soon realize which parent has authority and which parent does not. They may begin to treat the parent without authority with disdain and disrespect, increasing the passive parent's low self-esteem. This negative atmosphere causes an unhappy relationship, which is often tension-filled. The passive spouse may begin doing things in secret to avoid criticism from the controlling spouse, which will eventually result in distrust when discovered.
The passive spouse may feel trapped and confused by a relationship that lacks nurturing, unconditional love and understanding. The passive spouse will resent the attitude of the controlling spouse and lack of respect. Of course, the passive spouse will be unable to communicate these feelings with the controlling spouse for fear of reprisal or possibly the withholding of sexual gratification. Resentment combined with low self-esteem and lack of communication will make it impossible to have true intimacy, passion and romance in a relationship with a controlling spouse. Both spouses end up feeling unfulfilled, unloved and desiring something more from a relationship. These feelings are dangerous because they can lead to infidelity and divorce.
The controlling spouse may feel anger toward the more passive spouse, who seems to be incapable of doing anything correctly. The passive spouse may feel angry but also unappreciated and unloved by the controlling spouse. As their resentment toward each other builds, they drift further apart, and their relationship deteriorates. Eventually, unless they overcome some of the obstacles and begin communicating effectively with each other, their relationship may either dissolve or become fraught with infidelity.
Handle A Controlling Spouse
In almost every relationship it seems there is some type of controlling going on. Women tend to flutter their eyelashes, and men just grumble. But when does the control get to be too much? When does it interfere with your happiness to the point that you believe your marriage may be in trouble.
In this lens we are going to discuss some different non-violent avenues of control, from the more lighter forms to the more ludicrous. Take the journey with me, and tell me what some of your issues are. What do they do to you? How can I help? Write me and give me your scenarios. In addition, I will be offering suggestions for how to cope with these strange situations.
Wouldn't you rather learn the right way to deal with a controlling spouse than be unhappy all the times?
Not Usually Too Harmful
Many of us use a form of mild control to get what we want in a realtionship. What this means is that we will use words like "well, if you really want to", or "I suppose if I must", "when is this over again?" and so on. These are little statements designed to get your spouse to see your unhappiness and hopefully do something about it. This can lead to worsening reactions if your spouse is not paying attention because the more unhappy you get, the more you wish to change the reason you are unhappy.
You should relax. These forms of control are mild, and very common in all relationships. The ones you should be more worried about are the extremely ludicrous forms, which we will talk about further.
Are You Being Unusually Controlled?
Take The Test right now and answer these questions...
In all relationships there is a healthy amount of control going on. The wife says "I'm cold" and the husband gets up and grabs her a sweater. Some might say that's just a common gentlemanly response, but others will say "she's got him trained." Not a fair statement, but some will say that. Its been my experience that women are the ones who get controlled the most because women by their very nature are caregivers and want to please. In essence, their own worst enemy...so to speak. But a lot of control is not healthy and there needs to be more balance in the relationship. So here's a quick test for you.
Do you feel like 95% of the time you are doing what your significant other wants to do as far as activities and places to go?
Do you feel like 95% of the time you give in to their strong personality in order to keep the peace?
Do you feel your resentment mounting because your partner doesn't seem to care about what you feel or what you want to do?
Do you spend 95% of your time wishing you were out of the relationship?
Are you past the point of caring whether the relationship survives?
If you answered yes to all or most of these...OH NO! You really NEED to STOP. It is definitely time to do something about it.
Here are just a some "quick" fix tips. You may think tip #1 is extreme, but as they say "desperate times calls for desperate measures", and it is VERY effective, and I highly recommend it.
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA