Hey Girly, Are you Positive and Confident When Dating?
Oh, man, do guys hate when girls complain. Or when girls are insecure. Or worried or acting moody. It brings even a great date down. Positivity really matters to guys. REALLY. Women vent and complain and bitch so much to each other that we think guys can handle the same amount of emotion and yakking, but their tolerance is generally lower, I find. I was out the other night with Scott and I found myself worrying over girl drama and feeling ick, but I had to tell myself to let it go. Also, just watching him act so expressive and upbeat with our waitress (and excited about vegetables) lifted my mood. But for those times when you need to lift yourself up with no outside help, I made a list of ways not to take a turn to Negative Town when you're with a guy.
- Tell yourself to shake it off.
Okay, it doesn't feel natural to shake it off. Feeling funky is subconscious, but ceasing the funk takes some consciousness. You have to police yourself — and that can feel like trying to control the weather. But know that you have authorship over your feelings. It's not that you're just a negative person or you can't help being moody. Actually, you can help it. You can't wait for the right guy to just read you instantly and cheer you up and be funny and entertain you all the time. You're responsible for yourself.
If you're experiencing residual moodiness from something that happened that day at work, try to let it go by telling yourself whatever works, e.g. "There's nothing I can do about it now" or "I can't control what happens, only my reaction to it." In The Little Book of Stress Relief, Dr. David Posen advises clients to stop the runaway negative thoughts by literally interrupting yourself (i.e. yelling "STOP IT!" And when you're in public, just think it).
- Give him a compliment.
I have always been a big giver of compliments. If you tell him, "I like your shirt today," or "I like that you shaved," it will make you focus on the positive, even if it's someone else's positive. Plus, it always feels good to make someone else feel good.
- Use your girlfriends.
They were made for listening. Go to him for advice, but not for listening to the minutiae.
- Listen to uptempo music.
Turn off the mopey music. Turn off the news if it's depressing. Put on the Beatles. Or Mozart. A recent study showed that listening to Mozart every day helped premature babies not only feel calmer but use up less energy (calories) in order to grow.
- Take a cue from your guy.
You can't develop a thick skin over night, but start looking at him as an example. His own buddies have made fun of him about everything from his haircut to his smell to his Wii skills to his muscle tone to his beer belly, to his sexual orientation to his taste in music and girls and clothes and cars. Guys are cruel (but funny). His skin is thick.
- Know when to drop it.
If he changes the subject when you're trying to feel him out about some insecurity you're having, don't get mad. It seems harsh, but that's his way of saying he's done with the subject and as far as he's concerned, it's not an issue, or else he would keep hashing it out with you and reassure you. So drop the insecurity — he doesn't think you should worry about it. (Of course dropping the subject is convenient for him — after all, he doesn't have the insecurity and he doesn't want to deal with it … but the point to remember is, he doesn't think you need to worry about it. You're awesome … when you're not complaining.)
You're with a quality guy! Isn't life great?
After I've been to the gym — even if I just lazily "phone it in" on the bike for 20 minutes — I usually have more energy, I feel more confident, and I feel happy. I swear, exercise will improve your relationship. So don't be lazy about it! Endorphins!
Make Every Man Want You: How to Be So Irresistible You'll Barely Keep from Dating Yourself!
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