| || || | Has your boyfriend been unfaithful to you? Infidelity can leave couples feeling insecure, hurt and can make it difficult to trust each other again. Sometimes, the damage can carry into a new relationship if a break up occurs. Handle a cheating boyfriend by following these steps
- Acknowledge and accept your feelings of anger, sadness and disappointment over the betrayal.
- Don't blame yourself for his actions. Remember that you can't be responsible for anyone's behavior other than your own.
- Try to set aside your emotions and look at the situation from an outsider's point of view. What advice would you give to your friend?
- Evaluate whether his behavior has permanently destroyed your trust in him and in your relationship. Do you believe he won't repeat his actions in the future?
- Confront your boyfriend and tell him exactly how you feel about his actions. Let him know that cheating is not acceptable behavior in your relationship.
- If you feel you need to know why he cheated on you to obtain closure for yourself, listen to his explanations about his behavior. Remember that listening does not mean you condone, agree with or accept his behavior.
- Don't allow him to manipulate your feelings with sweet words of apology or promises never to cheat on you again. Be realistic. Do you honestly believe this was a one-time event, or do your instincts tell you that he'll probably cheat on you again in the future?
- Ask yourself if you would be better off with him or without him. Can you continue to enjoy the relationship, knowing about the betrayal?
- Find a constructive outlet for your emotions of disappointment and anger.
- Give yourself time to grieve over the betrayal. Whether you stay with him or not, forgive him for his actions so you can heal and move on with your life.
How to Get through the Grieving Process
After the loss of a loved one, just getting through the day seems difficult. Allow yourself enough time to grieve, and give yourself as much time as you need. We all cope with loss in different ways. Understand there are no hard rules for the recovery process.
- Do not feel guilty to begin the healing process. Doing fun things or experiencing happiness might feel like betrayal. Your loved one wants you to be happy. Moving on is not betrayal.
- Expect to go through some weird or unexpected emotions. Anger, denial, shock, and depression are a few you can expect to experience.
- Honor your loved one by paying tribute to the memory of their life. During the grieving process we focus on death. During the healing process we honor life!
- Be open about your needs! One thing you will need is a support system. Do not be ashamed or too proud to ask for help! People want to help you, they just might not know how!
How to Regain Trust After A Betrayal
One of the most difficult things to do is, to regain trust in someone, who betrayed you. It depends on how extensive the damage is. Sometimes it is not worth wasting your time. On the other hand, the relationship may look promising, and you may want to work on it. Here are some tips to help you regain your trust again.
- You have to know if it is worth your time, to try and regain the trust for someone who betrayed you. Every time you see that person, you are going to remember the pain, that you suffered through. Firstly, look for signs from, the betrayer that indicates sincerity. Some of the signs are: Being honest, apologetic, sincere in his promises and other signs that he is trying really hard to get your trust back.
- Although it is hard to get over the betrayal. Try not to keep reminding the person about it. It will take time to reach the point, in the relationship, where you will start to trust again. For now just try to give the betrayer the time to prove himself.
- Communication is an essential key component to regaining trust. Take the time to see if communication is lacking in the relationship. keep the lines of communication open. Don't assume that someone know how you are feeling.
- Don't get frustrated if the trust is slow to come. It is going to take time, remember that it took you a while to build the trust, so it is going to take, even more time to rebuild it.
- Some people will shower you, with attention after betraying you. Don't resist it. Revel in the attention, because you desevere it. That doesn't mean that you are going let your guard down. Make sure that you are being cautious.
- Be certain that the other person wants to remain in the relationship. Sometimes there are people who just cannot live with the guilt or they may start feeling that you are going to betray them also. If the relationship looks like it is going to go somewhere. You can then start the long slow process, of regaining that trust.
How to Heal From Betrayal With Journaling
Betrayal is one of the worst situations a person can face. Healing may seem impossible or overwhelming. Use these quick tips to journal your way to healing and removing the pain of betrayal.
- When you are suffering the pain of betrayal, you need to first erase vengeful thoughts. Where you have ideas of revenge, you seek to wound others, and yourself, further, rather than heal. A journal is a good place to get all the negativity out. Write down all the revenge scenarios, ugly ideas, and feelings of hate. Freely expressing them in a journal is much better than striking or lashing out on the people that have hurt you.
- When you have expressed every last bit of your anger, get to the root of your pain by writing about the betrayal in a journal. Examine all of your hurt feelings, and how every part of this horrible experience made you feel. A journal is a place to be completely honest with yourself, so don't be afraid about what you say. Write down lists of what happened that hurt you, bubble each different feeling, or draw a picture of how you feel in your journal. When you let go of your negativity, you must then let go of the pain in your journal.
- Now, you must seek resolution. Within your journal, this means reflecting on the experience realistically. Don't be negative and don't try to be overly optimistic: simply be realistic in what you have learned about yourself and others. You may need to confront this person. It is a good idea to first journal about their point of view (when you have released your negativity and your pain) and try to understand how they feel. Approach them, telling them you would like to forgive them and that you are trying to see things from their point of view. Provide a one sentence depiction of your point of view, and try and give one for theirs as well. Seeking resolution sometimes means forgetting the event or the person, however. Know what you need to do by writing in a journal about the possible choices you could make.
How to Learn to Trust Again
When the person you love and trust betrays you, it can be earth shattering and make you feel that you will never be able to trust again. Learning to trust again is a difficult thing to do but if you have made the decision to stick with the relationship and forgive him or her for betraying your trust you have to learn to deal with your own suspicions and paranoia in a positive way. Only the betrayer can take the steps required to earn your trust back but there are some steps that you can take to make it easier for you to start trusting again.
- A major problem that keeps couples from building trust back is lack of full disclosure. Your partner must recognize and disclose information to you so that you can have closure on the subject. Not having all your questions answered only leads to a wandering mind and you coming to your own conclusions as to what really happened. Talk with your partner and let him or her know that the only way to get through this is to once and for all come clean on the entire situation. Healing can not happen until everything is out in the open and there is no more lingering doubt.
- Determination to make things work and a positive attitude about how you feel towards your partner can make a big difference in how you behave around him or her after a betrayal. If you hold onto feelings of resentment they will come through no matter how hard you try to hide them and in the end will make both of you bitter about the other.
- Learn to let go of what happened. Don't bring up the past if it's something you have decided to work through. You can't throw it in your partners face every time he or she does something that is wrong. You will never forget what has happened but if you have chose to forgive, you have to REALLY forgive and move on.
- Don't let your paranoia be the destructive piece behind your relationship. You may feel the need to "police" your partners actions, but spying is an act of betrayal and doesn't do anything to further building trust in your relationship. Realize that if your partner is going to betray your trust again, no amount of spying is going to keep them from doing it. You probably found out about the initial betrayal without spying, and most likely if it happens again you will find out about that too.
- Seek help from couples counseling. Sometimes it takes a non-biased opinion to help you get through a betrayal in the relationship. Therapists are there to listen, not judge, and will often put you on the right path to opening those doors to trust again. You may even seek out individual counseling if you continue having problems trusting in people.
How to Pick Yourself Up After Betrayal
When someone you love betrays you, they show you who they really are. It's even more hurtful if the person who has betrayed you has been in your life for many years. Regardless of how long you've known the person, whether it be a friend, family member, or romantic partner; it puts a huge dent into whatever trust you both had built. Some people are able to forgive those that have betrayed them but if you'd rather move on with your life then read on.
- You will feel better. It might take time but it does get better. You must start to look at your life with a new perspective. Think of this time as a new chapter in your life to start over. Out with the old, in with the new.
- Life can dish out difficult lessons but use them as opportunities to learn and grow. Betrayal is a powerful lesson to teach you how to create boundaries and to only allow people in your life who respect you and themselves as well.
- Change your life into the one you actually want. Live where you want, do those things you've always wanted to do, join a cause and as Mahatma Gandhi once said, "Be the change you want to see in the world." Sometimes by helping others, you end up helping yourself.
- Start getting involved with activities you've always wanted to try. Swing dancing, kayaking, learning a language, taking a cooking class. Absorb yourself in something else because you might find a passion or hobby while you're taking your mind off your past by moving forward.
- Be grateful. Take stock in what you do have in your life. Your health, your freedom, and the people in your life you do trust and who respect you. Keep a gratitude journal. It will slowly but surely train your thought pattern from disillusionment to positivity and hope.
- Take care of yourself. Exercise for your mood, weight lift to become strong, toned, and powerful; simply love yourself. All of this will improve your self-esteem since betrayal can often shoot it down. Don't betray yourself by not taking care of yourself.
- Take a deep breath and know that you can learn to trust again.
How to Apologize for Cheating on a Partner
You have made a terrible mistake and hurt your partner by cheating. Now you want to make things right. You may not be able to undo the damage but you can start by apologizing. Use these tips to apologize for cheating on a partner.
- Be sincere. Minimizing what you have done will only make the person resent you. Explain that you know you did the wrong thing and you want to make up for it. Don't downplay what you have done.
- Offer to go to counseling. Get help for yourself and offer to go to couples counseling. Your relationship may need help and you might need individual counseling.
- Give your partner time to get over the initial shock of your betrayal. Let him rant and rave at first. Then give him time to think about all that has happened.
- Understand that your partner may be unable to talk to you and accept what you have done. You may need some time apart before you can move on to the next step.
- Be an open book and let your partner check up on you. It will take time to build back the trust that was lost. Keeping more secrets will make things worse and she may feel she can never trust you about anything.
- Promise that you are finished the relationship and then really end it. Change jobs, change your phone number and do whatever it takes to keep distance from yourself and the person you cheated with.
- Take as long as it takes to earn back your trust. Your spouse may need a lot of time to heal after this betrayal. If you try to rush things, you will end up making things worse. Ask for forgiveness, but don't expect it right away.
How to Avoid Betrayal
Betrayal has many faces, from a cheating spouse to a co-worker who is a liar. Friends can betray you with gossip, workers can steal from you and loved ones can go back on promises made. These are all forms of betrayal that you can avoid.
- Watch for signs of betrayal in the body language of the suspected betrayer. A spouse or fiancée that doesn't look you in the eye is a sure sign of betrayal. Other body language that signifies guilt includes avoiding your presence, fidgeting and changing the subject. People who act guilty are usually guilty of betrayal. If you suspect that your spouse or fiancée is a cheat, ask them outright and watch their reaction. Investigate the cheat to find out if your suspicion of betrayal is true. If there is no evidence to support betrayal, remain watchful. Betrayal only happens when you are unaware of it.
- Listen closely to water cooler gossip. A co-worker who is known to be a liar is not to be trusted. The co-worker who is a liar can cause you endless headaches at work. He can lie about your work being a problem, lie that he has to correct your work or lie that he himself has done the work. If you listen closely without reacting, you can catch the liar before he has a chance to betray you.
- Look into bank deposits, deposit slips and daily receipts if you suspect a worker is stealing from you. Put an extra twenty dollars in the kitty and see if it disappears without notations. Simple forgetfulness can be a valid reason for not making a notation about a small amount of missing money, but if you suspect the worker of betrayal you must prove it before firing him. If you suspect the worker of stealing money, be aware he may also steal supplies and cheat on his timesheet.
Forgiving Your Husband
You've promised to love, honor and cherish your husband in good times and bad. In sickness and in health may be one thing, but as long as you both shall live can be quite another. Betrayal can make the wedding vows seem like a mockery of your relationship. When your husband asks for forgiveness, it can be hard to give. However, if you love your husband, sometimes forgiveness is worth the effort.
- Your husband must acknowledge he has done something wrong, show remorse, not blame you for his actions, and ask for forgiveness. Now it's your turn to consider what to do next.
- Use empathy. Look at it from your husband's perspective. Consider any past and personal issues. Perhaps his actions and motivations for the bad behavior had nothing to do with you. He may be madly in love with you, but the abuse he suffered as a boy still haunts him. It could also be that he was weak in a simple moment of temptation. It can be dark or just plain silly and stupid. However, you need to get to a place where you can see how it all happened. Don't excuse it. Simply seek understanding of it.
- Ask yourself if the relationship is worth it to you. Forgiveness is often quick at hand for someone madly in love. By thinking of all the ways and reasons that you truly love your husband, his misdeeds may start to shrink in terms of their importance to you. Assessing the relationship itself is the best path to forgiveness.
- Address the issue of betrayal. Perhaps it was a bed of lies. Perhaps it was an affair. Perhaps it was both and worse. Two people going along life side by side is a beautiful scenario. However, we are all mere mortals. We're going to hurt and betray someone if we walk alongside them for long enough. That is, sadly, often the case. Don't let that be your husband's excuse, though. Let him have it. Tell him why you are angry in the first place. Get out every stray thought, even if you have to jot them down for two weeks prior to having this discussion with your husband. He needs to hear you out about how much he's hurt you and how rotten what he did really was. Forgiveness can come with getting all your anger out into the open on ears that need to hear about it.
- Ask your husband any questions that you need to know. If you want to know more about his affair, he must be willing to communicate and be honest with you in this scenario. True forgiveness requires total honesty. Set aside a time when he is willing to talk to you without limitations. Use that time to ask all those questions that haunt your heart. Yes, this will likely be painful and dreaded for both of you, but it's an important step through the bad times. Gaining a new knowledge of one another will often lead to forgiveness.
- Set a bar. You are in charge. He is in charge. You are equal partners. You must be equally respected. Although you are forgiving in this instance, it needs to be clear that this does not mean that you are a doormat. You are not taking this lying down simply because you choose to forgive the man that you love. A zero tolerance policy for further betrayal needs to be effective immediately alongside the forgiveness. It is easier to forgive if you know that this is the last time that you'll tolerate betrayal.
- Explain what you are forgiving. Let your husband know that it hurt you deeply, but reassure him that you are now forgiving him. Let him know that you are wiping the slate clean.
- Express what your new expectations are now that forgiveness has been granted. Your husband needs to be flexible at this point in your relationship. Forgiveness is a process, and it's not a perfect one. Forgiving your husband doesn't mean that you're not going to get angry sometimes if you remember a bad moment. It doesn't mean that you are going to be the perfect wife with the perfect husband. It simply means that you are working your way there.
- Forgive and forget. If you are going to do this, do it right.
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA