Handling Relationship Failure

Published on by CMe

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Handling Relationship Failure

How we handle failure is critical. An achiever acquires confidence and pride by taking on challenging life goals, by using good models and methods for getting there, and by putting in the time and effort to make the accomplishments meaningful. In contrast, a low achiever, preoccupied with avoiding failure, will either choose an extremely easy task or a very difficult one. Neither task puts him/her to a test, both the very easy and the impossible are cop outs.

 

The achiever is "mastery-oriented;" the low achiever is "performance-oriented," that is, he or she is most concerned with avoiding failure and looking good, not with learning or mastery. In contrast, the mastery-oriented person welcomes tough challenges because he/she is most concerned with learning something worthwhile, not building an image. After a failure, such a person would say, "Okay, I didn't win but what a learning experience! I'll practice another approach and then try again."

 

To the extent that more effort and learning better skills would significantly improve our performance, it is important to take control of the situation, rather than blaming our poor performance on factors that are not under our control. In short, to manage our life we have to take responsibility for it--take charge. It is the reason we give ourselves for the failure that determines how we feel:

 

Explanation for Failure

Feeling

Solution

"I need more practice"

Confident, motivated

Gain skills, try again

"I can't do it"

Inadequacy, hopeless

Work harder, learn more skills, or         accept situation

"I didn't work hard enough"

Self-critical

Try harder, use better methods & time management

"It was too hard for me"

Inadequacy, sad or mad

Develop better skills or strategies; lower goals

"It was _____'s fault"

Anger, unfairly treated

Assertiveness, demand justice; be responsible

"I had bad luck”

Disappointed, surprised

Look for other reasons & try again

 

After a disappointing performance, it is important to ask yourself, "Honestly, now, what were the causes? What can I do about each of those causes?" A wise person will guard against assuming unchangeable factors are the sole causes of his or her problem and learn instead to concentrate on the factors (causes) he or she is able to change. Almost no complex behavior is totally caused by fixed factors, such as heredity, innate ability, physiological factors (height), etc. Most behaviors can be improved.

 

Don't discount the importance of learning in any performance. Remember how many hours goes into making an outstanding star in any sport, often 4 to 6 or more hours a day for years, starting at 6 or 8 years of age or younger. If any of our current "stars" had an identical twin who had never played their sport, no doubt the twin, like you, would say, "Wow, I could never skate or dive or shoot or hit like that."

 

Most failures don't prove a lack of ability, they reflect a lack of effort or learnable skill. In most areas we will never know our limits because we will never push ourselves to the limit. It is obvious that some of the "reasons" above are excuses for our failures. Self-handicapping is a similar process, except it occurs before the performance rather than after. Common excuses arranged in advance for a poor performance are: I'm very tired, sick, drunk, anxious, unprepared and so on.

 

Self-handicapping excuses do reduce some immediate anxiety and disappointment after failure, but in the long run they usually lower our self-esteem and increase our fears. Why? Because we haven't performed very well in the past and because a part of us knows we are deceiving ourselves and others. Pride is primarily felt when we truly "do our best."

 

Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves, expecting too much, and sometimes too easy, not expecting or trying to do our best. You may be too uptight about achieving your dreams; you might not be uptight enough to achieve them. Ideally, one would be inspired by his/her ambitions and visions of the future, but down-to-earth enough to accept (for the moment) whatever he or she actually accomplishes. All of us need to ask, "How can I do better?" It reminds you that you are in control and don't have to do poorly.  

 

Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get.

 

Picking up the pieces after a relationship failure
Relationships do fail. That's no news. It may also not be news that most often than not women are most at the receiving end. Well there is no use flogging yourself for your past failures. As a lady who has witnessed heart break you can start again but i will give you a list of five things you ought to know before you enter the next relationship.

A lot of girls enter into a relationship blindly. They set no boundaries and have no guiding principles. I should know because I am a guy and guys tend to bruise a lot of girls. Girls need to wise up to certain stuff about guys and dating which will keep them from being bruised and battered. Ladies try this for size and don't share them with the guys. Its top secret

  1. To most guys dating means sex and to most girls dating means romance. Girls' dating does not have to end in sex whether it is the 1st date or the 1000th date except if the guy is already your husband. Guys look at dating as a means to an end (sex). If you are a guy and you are reading this, cuss me all you like but you know it is true.
  2. Most guys are just looking for adventure. They only want a short term commitment and that is often where the problem lies because girls tend to look for long term commitment. A guy is just looking for another trophy to display to his pals. Hey girl you may just be another trophy he is waiting to be displayed before his pals. That is if you are foolish enough not to keep your legs closed.
  3. We (guys) tend to honor' respect even protects the ones that refused to be conquered. A guy gets into bed with you and for him he has attained and so must look for unconquered territory and in the process even disdain his last conquest as cheap.
  4. Guys often say I love you with the lips but not with the heart. We say it even when we do not mean it because (I do not know where we learned it) we believe if we can keep saying it long enough the girls will soon start believing it and be at our every beck and call. Guys you know this is true and for some of the ladies out there its time to wake from dream land and get into the real world. That stuff you chicks believe in is only the stuff that movies are made off.
  5. Guys love to be in charge because we live in a predominantly male dominated world. Ladies I am not advocating that you should rule us. What I am saying is set some rules for yourself. Build some boundaries around you and let whoever wants to date you of such rules. People including us guys tend to obey rules if we know they are there and will be enforced.

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