| || || | A man deciding to commit to a woman isn't just about how long they dated. That's where men have women fooled. Men who don't intend to commit to women, string them along making them think that if they just keep acting like girlfriends, over time they will eventually become girlfriends. When in reality, the man probably knew all along that he wasn't going to commit but making the woman think he might commit to her is what keeps her acting like a girlfriend for much longer than she would if he came out and told her that she didn't have a chance.
Even when a man tells a woman that he doesn't want her to be his girlfriend, many women totally ignore what he said and stick around anyway (as if he doesn't know what he wants!). Now why would any self-respecting intelligent woman stick around even after a man tells her he doesn't want her for a girlfriend? Sometimes for the physical intimacy, sometimes because she is already in love with him, or sometimes because she is lonely. Usually she ignores what he said because he does little things like your ex-boyfriend did to you like acting jealous. As a woman you figure, well he wouldn't act jealous if he didn't love me or want to be with me. That is only half right. He acts jealous not because he loves you but because he doesn't want other men around you. He wants you to exclusively be with him, but he doesn't want to be exclusively with you (that's why he won't commit). So he has to scare off any other guy that might offer you the relationship you want and steal you away from him--then he could no longer have his cake and eat it too.
Some men often mess women's heads up using numerous excuses for why they won't commit only to turn around and be willing to commit to someone else. It isn't that the man is incapable of committing, it is just that he didn't want to be committed to you. What he didn't want you to know was that it doesn't necessarily take longer than three months to know if you want to commit to someone--he wanted you to continue to think you had a chance for a committed relationship when he knew that you didn't. In fact you said that he told you that he didn't want to be your boyfriend and he didn't want the relationship to go to the next level because it would change your relationship for the worst. So he let you know he wasn't planning to commit to you and you decided to stick it out with him anyway. Then later on he found someone who he was willing to commit to so he did.
How the two of you women differ and what he likes about her enough to want to make her his girlfriend, we don't know. One thing I can tell you that I have heard straight from a man's mouth is that "what one woman will put up with, another one won't." All that means is that he can only do to you what you let him. You were willing to act like his girlfriend even though you weren't--maybe this other woman made it clear that she wasn't sticking around to be a friend with benefits and so he stepped up his game. In order to keep some women you have to commit to them, other women are willing to take whatever arrangement the man is offering (but that obviously means that he feels no pressure to give you what you want).
From the rest of your description it sounds like you fell in love with him but he probably wasn't in love with you. Even though he eventually told you he loved you, it sounds like the relationship was more casual and perhaps physical in his mind, whereas you were much more emotionally involved and committed than he was. As long as you were giving him all of the attention and physical intimacy that he wanted without a commitment, he didn't need to feel any pressure to commit to you and prevent himself from dating other women.
Don't second guess your decision to cut him off, believing that he was ready to settle down and that if you had stuck it out he would be with you instead of her because he wouldn't. You made the right decision. This guy was just stringing you along and you were smart enough to pick up on his game and drop him off. Don't waste your time trying to figure out what it is about her that made him decide to commit--it doesn't matter. Focus your energy on understanding the lessons you learned from this experience, meeting new people and moving on. You are only 20 years old so you have your whole life ahead of you. There is so much love for you to look forward to so don't waste another minute thinking about the past--just look forward to the future!
How to Express Commitment to One's Mate
Whether you're in a new relationship or need to establish your trustworthiness in an older one, express your commitment to your mate with gestures to make her feel secure, appreciated and loved. Consider these big and small ways to display your dedication.
Place your mate first above all others. Show your loyalty by defending her if someone questions her motives or character, for example. Back her up in an argument with friends. Opt to see her favorite play on Friday night instead of going to watch the game with the guys.
Be completely honest. Show him that you can express your feelings openly and rely on him for support and reassurance. Also let him know that you can be trusted if he wants to discuss his fears, needs and frustrations. Demonstrate commitment by accepting each other's faults and silly habits.
Wear a ring. Even if you're not married, you can wear a symbol of your commitment. Demonstrate your togetherness in other ways like taking her hand or putting your arm around her, particularly if other interested men and women are around.
Take an interest in what your mate loves. If you have different tastes in movies, for example, alternate who selects the DVDs or chooses what you go out to see on date night. Learn the art of compromise to show how willing you are to make the other person happy.
Treat your mate with respect, even when she's not around. For example, when you're out with friends, stop yourself from flirting with and ogling other women. Remember that whatever you do or say will have a way of getting back to her.
Express Love and Commitment to Your Spouse
As humans, we have basically 5 ways of expressing our love to that special person. We probably respond to these 5 ways differently. This article is for you to study and learn the best ways that build up your marriage, and help your spouse feel the love you have for them.
Examine these 5 different love "languages" and decide which one or two best reflects how you notice your spouse responds the most favorably. Does he or she treasure a gift from you. This is actually the easiest love language to change if you understand the principle. You may have to adjust a bit if you are a saver or investor. You will need to understand, your spouse feels a lack of love when you aren't investing in outward gifts for them. This doesn't mean a Mercedes or flowers every day. Free, inexpensive gifts give your spouse the security and balance of love they need in a relationship.
Some spouses need and value 'quality' time above any other form of love you may show. Many mates feel treasured and loved with the way you listen to what they are saying, and respond with emotions that show you know the inner thoughts of your loved one. Doing things together, going to flea markets, joining a bowling league, going skating, these activities will fill the memory banks of your marriage for years to come, and make for wonderful bonding between the two of you.
Personal touch is a big one with many people. If this is the love language that your spouse needs the most this can make or break a marriage. Take the time to learn what is the best form of physical touch for her/him. A kiss on the lips? A touch of your hand to their cheek? A back massage? A person who loves physical touch would rather have you hold them and be silent, than to have you tell them how much you love them. Learn what kind of physical touch makes them feel loved, and do this, this can provide a security blanket for your commitment for years.
You're cute! Affirmation of words? Does your spouse respond physically and emotionally when you compliment them, or notice the daily little things they do? Acknowledgment of his/her feelings on a subject. Verbal genuine specific compliments will enhance the deepness within your marriage if this is your spouses' love language. Encourage them, notice their projects and you will develop a strong emotional tie.
Lastly is the spouse who feels your love by doing acts of service or works. Simply stated you may have to step out of your stereotype, and do things that aren't what you are used to doing in the past. Washing and vacuuming her car may be something she does, but would love you to do, but may never tell you so. Do it because you want to show her/him love. Volunteering to go to the grocery store so the other person doesn't have to go do that chore. Vacuuming a room when you're both expecting company and you know that he/she would find this important. Step out of your comfort zone and make little sacrifices, this will help your spouse feel loved and appreciated and will ensure for a more secure commitment.
Ways to Tell If He's Committed to You
Your man says he's committed to you but you have doubts. This is a situation that many women find themselves in. The man they adore says he's serious about only them, but there's still some lingering doubt. We've all heard that actions speak louder than words and it's true when it comes to men. There are a few telltale signs that indicate when a man is truly serious about a woman.
One easy way to tell if he's committed to you is how much time he wants to spend with you. When a man is crazy in love with a woman he can't get enough of her. He'll drive across town just to spend a few moments with her. If your guy is always calling and wants to spend all of his free time with you, he is serious about you. Unfortunately, if you're with a man who often doesn't pick up when you call and makes excuses for why he can't be with you, that's a sign that he's still in the dating phase.
Another way to tell if he's committed to you is to listen to him talk about the future. There are some subtle differences in the way a man talks when he is serious about his relationship and when he's not. If he uses terms like "us" and "we" when talking about the things he wants to do next year and in the years to come, that's a very good sign. That shows that he sees you in his future.
Most men become more concerned with finances when they are thinking about a long term relationship. If he starts talking about you two buying a place together, that's a clear sign that he's committed to you. Also, if he starts thinking about investments and even is looking towards establishing a retirement income, take that as a good indication that he's thinking about marriage and a family.
Signs That You're Dating a Commitment-Ready Guy
Are you ready for a relationship that is going to lead somewhere without you being led on? It's time to start weeding out the commitment phobics and put your time and effort into men that are looking for the kind of relationship you want -- one that has a future. If you're interested in getting married, ignore these at your own risk. Here's what to look for:
His friends are married
If you are interested in a guy, check out his friends' left hands to see if they have wedding rings on.
Research has show that if his friends are already married, he's more likely to get married. If all of his friends are still single and in the "party-with-the-boys" phase, that's a bad sign.
He's financially secure
Studies show that men who own a home are more marriage-ready. A man who is generally financially stable, and has his ducks in a row, feels marriage is a practical next step for him.
He pursues you
The guy who is commitment-ready is going to initiate doing things with you. If you're emailing him and he takes days to email you back, if you have to text him to find out where he is, if you are always calling him, you're chasing a man who's probably not marriage-material.
He's willing to wait
Yes, research is telling us what we already know: If a guy gets to know you before getting intimate, he is more likely to commit.
He watches DVDs with you when you're sick
Taking care of you when you're sick shows that this guy isn't just in it for the fun and sex. If he wants to be with you in bad times, it's a sign he's in it for the long haul.
He gets to know your friends and family
A guy who is thinking long-term wants to truly get to know you. Seeing you interact with your family and friends helps him learn where you come from and more about who you are. The flip side of it is that he will also want you to get to know him! He'll want to see if you fit in with his family and friends. A guy who keeps you separate from the important people in his life is just playing around.
He says, "we" instead of "me"
When he switches from "me" to "we", that's a sign he's committing to you at a deeper level. If your guy is all, "I", "me", and "my" instead of "we" and "us" in conversations after you've been dating a while, his mindset is still in single guy mode.
He's not afraid of compromise
A commitment-ready guy is going to ask your opinion, consult you about decisions he needs to make, and has the ability to meet you half-way. A bull-headed guy who needs everything his way or it's the highway, isn't ready for the compromise that's naturally part of a mature relationship.
He doesn't need excuses
Commitment-phobic guys always have an excuse about why they can't be with you on Saturday night, why they didn't call, and why they aren't ready for a relationship right now. A commitment-ready guy doesn't need excuses, he just needs you.
He likes being in a long-term relationship
Some men like being in a monogamous relationship and some don't. The sooner you realize and accept this the better. If he complains all the time about needing space, treats you like a giant burden instead of a gift, and keeps talking about taking things slow, he's telling you he's not ready for a commitment. On the other hand, if he's done with the party scene, enjoys your "couple time" together, and has a strong sense of family, you've found a commitment-ready guy.
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA