Do You Feel Abandoned By Your Spouse?

Published on by CMe

 

http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/pi/fcy-fea/lib-bib/pub/divorce/img/divorce.jpg

 

 

Do You Feel Abandoned By Your Spouse? 

 
 
   
What is Relationship Abuse? 
Relationship Abuse is a pattern of abusive and coercive behaviors used to maintain power and control over a former or current intimate partner. An abusive relationship means more than being hit by the person who claims to love or care about you. Abuse can be emotional, psychological, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats, isolation, and intimidation. Abuse tends to escalate over time. When someone uses abuse and violence against a partner, it is always part of a larger pattern to try to control her/him. 

It is not your fault 
If you are being abused by your partner, you may feel confused, afraid, angry and/or trapped. All of these emotions are normal responses to abuse. You may also blame yourself for what is happening. But no matter what others might say, you are never responsible for your partner's abusive actions. Dating abuse is not caused by alcohol or drugs, stress, anger management, or provacation. It is always a choice to be abusive. 

Abusive relationships are characterized by extreme jealousy, emotional withholding, lack of intimacy, raging, sexual coercion, infidelity, verbal abuse, threats, lies, broken promises, physical violence, power plays and control games. 

Abuse does not have to be physical. 
Emotional abuse is as damaging as physical abuse, though it is often harder to recognize, and therefore to recover from. Emotional abuse causes long term self esteem issues and profound emotional repercussions for the partners of abusers. Abuse typically alternates with declarations of love and statements that they will change, providing a "hook" to keep the partner in the relationship. 

Abusive relationships are progressive 
Abusive relationships get worse over time. Emotional and verbal abuse frequently shifts to more overt threats or physical abuse, particularly in times of stress. Abusers are generally very needy and controlling; the abuse escalates when they feel they may lose their partner, or when the relationship ends.

A specific relationship is not the source of the abuse
Abusive patterns are part of the emotional make up of both the parties involved. Without help and outside intervention the abusive patterns will be repeated in all relationships. The emotional volatility of addicts and alcoholics can create an abusive relationship climate. Ongoing therapy, and a 12 step recovery program for both partners is advised. (AA, NA, SAA, SLAA, etc for the addict and Alanon, COanon etc for the codependent partner.) 

Abusers are often survivors of abuse themselves
Many of the attributes of abusers are documented trauma based adaptations to childhood emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Abusers act out of deep seated shame and feelings of inadaquacy. They seek to pull thier partner down to make themselves feel better. 

Abuse is a family dysfunction that repeats through generations. Just as addictions pass down through generations, abusers often leave their families for a family of choice - then repeat the abusive cycle from the other side. The abused becomes the abuser and so continues the cycle.

If you are in an abusive relationship:
Abusive relationships do not change without sustained therapy specifically targeted toward the abusive relationship patterns. These relationships cannot be changed from one side, it takes mutual honesty, openness and willingness from both parties to work through these issues. Group therapy is highly recommended for abusers, as it helps them to break through the denial that is generally a part of the abusive patterns. (People in denial generally recognize their own dysfunctional behavior in others more easily than in themselves.) This applies to the partners of abusers as well - group helps them to break through the denial by seeing the relationship patterns from a wider view. Certain personality types are more prone to abusive relationships. 

If the abuser is unwilling to own their behavior and seek help the prudent course of action is to remove yourself totally from the situation. This is painful, but is generally safer and ultimately better for both parties than allowing the cycle of abuse to continue. Be prepared for the abuse to increase after you leave - stepping out of the cycle enrages the abuser, as it shatters their illusion of control. (75% of women killed by their abusive partners are murdered after they leave.) Learn how to protect and care for yourself. Detachment with love is difficult, but the best solution if your partner is unwilling to work though the issues. 
Help is readily available for both parties in abusive relationships. These relationships cannot be changed from one side. Remember that by staying you are condoning and enabling the abuse - and helping your partner to stay sick. If your partner is unwilling to get help the only safe course of action is to totally remove yourself from the situation and seek help on your own.

Domestic Abuse Signs
Anyone can be a victim of domestic abuse. It is often denied and ignored, be it emotional or physical abuse. Recognizing the signs of domestic abuse at early stages will help stop it. Many a times the victims of domestic abuse try to hide this serious problem they are suffering from and carry on living the same conditions. One of the most common signs of domestic abuse is being extremely scared all the time. If you could recognize the domestic abuse signs it might just help the victim live a better life ahead. So what are the domestic abuse warning signs? Here's the answer. Read on abusive relationships.

Common Domestic Abuse Signs 
Feeling of Panic

If you feel scared all the time, it is nothing but one of the domestic abuse signs. The most common way of abusing someone is by frightening the person. The victim might be frightened emotionally, physically or verbally. The most common way is to use children or family to frighten the victim, this leads to tolerance of the abuse. The victim gets scared to do anything. He/ she will always look around before eating something or doing anything for their selves. Many times the abuser also destroys the belongings of the victim.

Constant Criticism
A domestic abuse victim is always made realize how useless he/she is. Constant criticism is one of the common abusive men signs. It can be about the food you prepared, the way you dressed, or even the way you cleaned the house. A domestic abuser will always try to find out mistakes in you and your behavior. If he/ she doesn't find any, still you will be blamed unnecessarily. The victim will start checking the things done by themselves twice due to the fear.

Low Self Esteem
One of the common signs of domestic abuse is that the victim feels like a looser. The victim will feel his/ her existence in this world is useless. Victim of domestic abuse will always feel they have not achieved any good thing in their life. Such victims don't have any ambitions in life. The abuser always tries to prove that the victim is a looser and this will lead to low self esteem signs and lack of confidence in the victim. Read more on emotional abuse in relationships.

Stress
Stress is one of the primary domestic abuse signs. The victim will always looked stressed and show symptoms of anxiety and depression. Panic attacks, feelings of isolation, mentally disturbed, inability to cope up with routine work are common problems caused due to domestic abuse. One of the domestic abuse facts is that, it noticeably changes the personality of the victim. He/ she would always be nervous and drowned in thoughts.

Contradictory Behavior
Difference in behavior is another sign of domestic abuse. The victim will behave in contradictory ways, when in company of the abuser and when alone. Like, even when in a community, he/ she might just choose stay silent if the abuser accompanies him/ her and will talk a lot while lone in the same community. Many a times the victim who previously loved to socialize would now prefer staying lone.

Domestic Abuse: What Next?
If you find some one being victim of from domestic abuse, first thing you need to do is talk to them and understand them. Make the victim feel that he/ she is not at all wrong, though always blamed that way. Trust the victim, and try to explain how physical or emotional abuse is wrong and should not be tolerated. Make sure the victim doesn't stay alone as he/ she might take extreme steps. Let the victim know that you are always there to help in any situation. Try to seek protection/assistance from the police, female aid groups for or court. Prepare them for emergency situations. It is best that the victim keeps their important belongings at a safe place, not in the same house. Even if the victim plans to end the relationship with the abuser make sure that further in no way, can the abuser meet the victim. Changing the mobile number, email address, and taking precautions while traveling to office and back home, etc., must be strictly followed.

Abusive Women in Relationships
Feminist movements and social activists have long dealt with the problem of women in abusive relationships, be it physical, emotional or verbal. While the societal issues of battered and abused women have always been in the media limelight, not much is known about abuse of men. So is it actually true that men have to suffer from abuse in a relationship too? Well haven't we all heard of terms such as "hen pecked" and "not being man enough" to control a woman. Although society has always looked upon women as the weaker sex who is born to nurture and love everyone, the truth about abusive women in relationships cannot be ignored.

Controlling Abusive Women in Relationships
Abusive women have often been defined as selfish, narcissistic women who choose to inflict physical, sexual and/or emotional abuse to control the people in the relationship. This damage can be obtruded on the spouses, boyfriend or even the children. Although the physical abuse may not be all that prevalent (It does exist), men tend to suffer much more from emotional and verbal abuse. They tend to use deceit and fury to create emotional unrest or lie, connive, and extort to get what they want. Most of these abusive women have a drinking or other addiction problem, or a history of delinquency, truancy or running away. Here are some signs of abusive women in a relationship.

Abusive Women Signs
Verbally Abusive Women Signs: The characteristics that are usually present in abusive men are displayed by women as well. One of the common forms of abuse for men is verbal abuse. While it is more difficult to spot since there are no physical signs of the abusiveness, the instances of verbal abuse is quite common. A verbally abusive women would usually attack the nature and abilities of the partner, making him wonder if there is something wrong with his abilities. This can include overtly loud outbursts and name calling or subtle comments and brain washing. The constant abuse and disrespect in front of children and strangers can also lead to lowering of the self esteem. Read more on verbal abuse signs.

Emotionally Abusive Women Signs: Some abusive women also resort to emotional abuse which is characterized by erratic mood swings, jealously and possessiveness. The abuser will want to know about the whereabouts of the person at all times. They may also make a distinct effort of isolating the abused person from the friends and relatives. If the abused man tries to break away from the mold, she may threaten him with dire consequences such as taking away the children or committing suicide. Most emotional abusers are persistent liars who make up false stories and accusations, such as those of child abuse.

In addition to these signs of abusive relationship, you will find an abusive woman unwilling to take responsibility for her own chaotic life and instead playing the victim in front of others. Behind closed doors you would find her raging and shouting for simple things. She may also hit, scratch, shove or throw things at the abused person. When the abused person wants to end the relationship, the abuser can become vindictive and dangerous. They might want to kill their partner, or the partner's new companion, children, or stage unsuccessful suicides.

Women in Abusive Relationships
Abusive relationships are a dime a dozen. Yes, it's true. Abusive relationships don't only mean a man beating and swearing at his wife. There is much more to it. It could be anyone, a male or a female abusing a woman or a girl. Be it physical abuse, mental abuse, sexual abuse, financial abuse anything that harms the physical health and sanity of a woman. How often do we hear of various cases that speak of girls being sexually abused for years by their fathers or uncles or older brothers? It has become a part of society to consider that one out of every five women (being modest here) is physically and verbally abused by her boyfriend of husband. So many women feel bound in a relationship for the fear of being stalked and further hurt by their partners. Is this what our society has come down to? All the education and the civilizations of men worshiping women, is this where it all ends? 

Many people question "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?" It is because an abusive relationship is a very serious relationship issue that ties you down to an extent where it is not that easy to leave. No woman gets sadistic pleasure out of getting beaten to a pulp because she refuses to have sex, only to get raped later. It is often the more emotional obligations that hold them back. Women stay on in abusive relationships because leaving is not really an option for them.

Women in Abusive Relationships - Types of Abusive Relationships
Do not be under the impression that that physical abuse between a man and his wife or girlfriend is the only abuse possible, because there are many types of abusive relationships. 
  • Physical Abuse - In this kind of an abuse the abuser physically hurts the victim. This is done out of a bout of anger, and the abuser feels absolutely no guilt for it. In fact, they blame in on the victim. 
  • Emotional Abuse - In this kind of an abusive relationship, the abuser will time and again make the victim feel bad about herself. She will be made to feel invalid and unimportant. The self esteem will be deliberately ripped apart. Emotional Abuse also includes threatening, stalking when not around, spying and eavesdropping. Basically, all that would frustrate and ruin the victim's peace of mind. 
  • Sexual Abuse - In this kind of abuse, the abuser forces sexual acts on the victim. This will not necessarily include penetration and intercourse. It could simply refer to inappropriate touching, kissing, fingering or even watching while the victim showers or changes. 1 out of every 3 girls has gone through this terrible ordeal as a child. 
  • Financial Abuse - In this kind, the abuser takes complete control over the victim's financial assets. This is often coupled with any other type of abuse, leaving the victim incapable of considering the idea of going against the abuser. 

Well, these are the most popular types, although, human beings have a knack of finding newer ways to abuse each other.

Women in Abusive Relationships - Why Don't They Leave?
Leaving an abusive relationship is not easy. In this section I am only considering adult relationships, and not child and incest abusing. Children cannot leave an abusive relationship for the fact that they are minors. Many children are too afraid to talk about it and tell someone. As such, the abuse often goes on for a long time, until the abuser finds a new prey!

Coming to women in abusive relationships. There are many people (due to my career) who come and ask me, why don't women leave the abusive relationship. I always tell them, if you think that they are cowards, or that they lack the will power, you are wrong. Women are never weak, never cowards and never will they lack the will. It's true for all women, we are strong. It is often this strength, that makes a woman stick it out in an abusive relationship. Mostly, a woman in such a relationship will have the responsibility of a minor. It is for the sake of this minor that many women stay in the relationship. They fear that their partner will take away the custody of the minor, and fear that he will abuse them as well. At other times, the victim is often scared of being stalked and further hurt. Some strongly fear that their abusive partner will find them and kill them. It has been seen in the past, for abusive husbands to stalk and kill their estranged wives. If a woman is being financially abused, she is left with no monetary resources whatsoever to be able to survive outside. That is, in fact, the very goal of financial abuse. 

Sexual abuse is a whole other story. The percentage of women in abusive relationships, sexually, is unbelievable. Many people think that women who are being sexually abused get a kinky pleasure out of it. That, they say, is the reason why they don't leave. Wrong again. Marital rape is gaining a lot of popularity and awareness off late. Most of the women in abusive relationships facing sexual abuse are married to their abusers. Most of them even have a child. As such, for the sake of the well being of the child, they keep shut about the sexual abuse. Sexual abuse is often coupled with physical, emotional and financial abuse as well. A woman in such a plight, is in the worst possible situation.

What Should Women in Abusive Relationships Do?
I am glad that you asked that question. Believe it or not, the answer is very simple. The best help for women in abusive relationships is in themselves. Yes, this relationship advice is easier said than done, but nonetheless, doable. A woman in an abusive relationship, first needs to get her self-esteem back on track. This is very difficult as your own cruel abusive partner does all he can to shatter the self-esteem regularly. But, you will still need to reaffirm your own personal strength. Start trying to look better. Cook better food and keep the house clean. Play with your kid and laugh as often as you can. Slowly, you can start manipulating your abuser. Let's face it, women are born with an ability to do that. The best way to do this is to take the sexual route. Get him hooked on to you like a drug. Soon, you will be able to start manipulating him otherwise. Get a a little flirtatious, (with him only) as it helps. Once you have him treating you a little bit better, start trying to get hold of your documents and finances. It will take a little while, but be persistent. Once you have accomplished that, break free. Go away and don't look back!

Many women make the mistake of believing that their man will change. Well, I won't lie to you, he might, but the chances are very slim. You need to stop being a Samaritan and start looking out for yourself. Put as much distance between you and him as possible. Get a make over if you can and keep a lookout for these abusive men signs and verbal abuse signs.

Women! I cannot begin to say how important it is for us to be aware of our partner's tendencies. Trust your instincts and yourself. Make sure that you don't get forced into anything that you do not wish to do. This is where I sign off! All the best!

Abusive Men Signs
It all seems hunky-dory in the beginning. However, it's only when they have delved deeper into the relationship with their abusive boyfriend/husband, do women realize that all is not well in paradise. The sad truth about such relationships is that it is not so easy to read abusive men signs. Had that been the case, there wouldn't have been as many instances of women suffering in abusive relationships, as are reported every year. In fact, in the United States itself, there are as many as 4 million women who are abused by their partners, each year. 

The problem of abusive relationships has two dimensions. Firstly, abusive men traits are not evident in the beginning. Secondly, in many cases, women are swept off their feet by statements like "You are the only one for me", made by men with an abusive streak. This confession is done with such conviction that the sun might rise from the west, but a woman in love with an abusive man can't disbelieve him. However, it's very important for every woman to be able to identify abusive men signs, so that they are able to handle the situation wisely, in case they find themselves involved with such men.

Why are Some Men Abusive?
In most cases, abusive men are victims of abuse themselves. It could have been physical, sexual or emotional abuse. This negatively affects their psychology and personality, and mars their ability to rationalize events, and even their abusive actions. For those, who have not been abused directly or have seen violence at home (for example, the mother being abused), it leaves a deep impact on their psychology. Such a sharp divide of power and 'say' in the family, often gives such men an impression that abuse against women is justified. Much of the reason, for this psychology, finds root in our socio-cultural milieu, in which male authority goes unquestioned. 

Signs of Abusive Men
All said and done, the fact still remains that abuse by their male partners is a threat that every woman is susceptible to. The following are some of the tell-all abusive men signs. 

  • Jealousy and Possessiveness: Jealousy and possessiveness are integral components of all abusive men stories. An abusive man will be overly possessive about his partner to the extent that he would fail to understand the relationship of his wife/girlfriend with her family or friends. An abusive man thinks that his partner is his property and refuses to recognize her as an individual. He may try to isolate his partner and be suspicious about her meeting her male friends or relatives.
  • Controlling Behavior: The story of abusive men and the women who love them is all about control. This is one of the most deceptive abusive men signs, as it is always cleverly hidden under the guard of 'concern' for you. An abusive man would want to control your finances, your job choices and even, the decisions regarding which friend you want to go out with. Be careful of such attitude. Initially, it may appear disarming, however, over time this very 'caring' attitude would become stifling.
  • Unrealistic Expectations: An abusive man would expect his partner to be the perfect wife, mother or girlfriend. He would expect her to provide for every need of his - financial, emotional or spiritual, and in case, she fails in any of her 'duties' as he sees them, he would criticize her insensitively.
  • Unrealistic Expectations: An abusive man would expect his partner to be the perfect wife, mother or girlfriend. He would expect her to provide for every need of his - financial, emotional or spiritual, and in case, she fails in any of her 'duties' as he sees them, he would criticize her insensitively.
  • Superiority: An abusive man is always right. That's what he thinks of himself. He would use this logic to justify any acts of violence that he commits. He would say "You made me angry, that's why I hit you."
  • Stereotyped Gender Roles: An abusive man would never see his partner as his equal. For him, she is always stupid and inferior. Hence, she should obey him and carry out all his orders, however illogical, inhuman or even, criminal they may be.
  • The Blame Game: Did he lose his job? Did he abuse you of late? He would always find a reason for the negative situations in his life. However, the catch is that he himself would never be the cause. An abusive man always blames others for his failure or abusive behavior, to the extent that he would hold you responsible for him reacting violently.
  • Erratic Mood Swings: Almost all women, who are victims of abuse by their partners, say that other than the episodes of abuse, their boyfriends or husbands are loving and gentle. In fact, they are apologetic and caring after the abuse has occurred.
  • Refuses to Seek Help: An abusive man has an unfailing belief that he is always right. Then, why should he seek help? He would never admit to his mistakes. Instead, he would put the blame upon his partner or his children.

Other Abusive Men Signs to Look For 

  • History of violence towards his ex-partners 
  • Disrespect towards women, even his mother and sister 
  • Cruelty towards children and animals 
  • Moves fast in his relationship 

Dealing with an abusive man is very difficult. Despite this fact, abusive men and divorce do not occur together very commonly. It is because most women think that they can change their partner. In case you are one of such women, think twice. Abusive men traits can only be treated with long term therapy or counseling. But, it is so difficult to make abusive men agree to such treatment in the first place. He may cry and beg for you to return and promise to treat you right, but do not be taken in by his pleas. Consult his therapist before deciding on moving in with him. Even if you do reconcile with him, keep your eyes open for the abusive men signs to resurface, as this is a deep-rooted trait that is difficult to get rid of.

Characteristics of a Controlling Personality
Are you in a relationship where your partner demands all the attention? Doe he/she dictate everything you want to do or even speak for that matter? Do you feel you have loved the wrong person? And you have no individuality anymore? Well, a controlling personality is harmful in many ways and be careful…such a person can trick you with smooth talks early on. As time passes, such a personality will show all the characteristics that control a person and slowly poison your life before you even realize it. These controlling personalities become very difficult to deal with and difficult to handle as well. If you are having problems in your current relationship, you need to read about these characteristics of a controlling personality to know whether your partner does belong to this category.

Characteristics of a Controlling Personality:
Domination over every issue:

A controlling personality would love to dictate every single moment of your life, to the kind of food you eat or even what you wear. This person would hate if you take any decisions on your own. He/she would always have the first as well as the last say in all your issues. For example, he/she won’t let you sleep without having a word on the phone even if you have spoken thousand times in a day. Or he/she would force you to talk on the phone even during office hours. Your partner thus tends to dominate you in every aspect of life. 

Shades of green:
A controlling personality tends to be an extremely jealous person. He/she will keep asking you about the people you meet and the amount of time you spend with them. This person will also ask you the reasons for spending more than the required time with the group. In the beginning of the relationship, the person may not show this trait but as time passes, he will get jealous of your colleagues or even your best friend. He/she will dictate things about the kind of people you are supposed to meet. Signs of jealousy and the kind of conditions your partner dictates are sure signs he/she wants to control your life. 


Complete control over your emotions:
A controlling personality would always want to emotionally hurt you at every moment. The moment you do something that goes out of their line of thought or action, he/she is bound to make you feel terrible about it. For example, you may not really want to have that cup of coffee in your favorite hangout because you may want to go to bed early. But a controlling personality would ensure you get out of bed to have coffee only because he/she feels like it! If you refuse, he/she would torture you endlessly about being difficult and too insensitive a person where as in reality, your partner is the one who is at fault. 

Forced Intimacy:
When your partner forces you in certain intimate acts even if you are not comfortable, you need to think about the relationship in totality. Your partner would show very little interest in your feelings; it is only about personal satisfaction. For example, your partner may force you to be loving in nature even if you are tired or make unusual demands that go against your ways of thinking. 

Do you wish to be with such a controlling personality?
Well, a controlling personality with all the temper tantrums and unreasonable demands would surely be difficult to handle. Even if you love this person, you should be aware of what you would be getting into. If you can handle such a person and pretend to be something you are not, then sure, go ahead and have a terrible time with such a person. On the other hand, if you wish to gain back your individuality, then you need to get out of this situation. Make sure he/she knows about your stand but speak in a cool manner. There is no point in losing your temper because such people can go to any extent to prove their point. You need to get your points across slowly and surely. After all, you deserve the best and no matter how much you claim to love the person, you can’t really let any person dictate your life to a great extent. It is better you opt out and pack your bags to discover a whole new life where you can breathe in a free environment.

Love is definitely not about controlling someone’s life to the extent of driving a person up the wall. Love is about caring and sharing and moments of joy and being together through life’s ups and downs. You need to take a step back and think for yourself to choose the best. Life is all about choices we make and to have a happy life, you need to choose the right path. Do not worry about not meeting the right person…the best is yet to come!



http://tinyurl.com/yg8qvca


 
 

Comment on this post