| || |
| || || | Are you desperate to save your marriage and your spouse shows no sign that they're even bothered about trying? Well the sad truth is that you're not alone.
There are millions of people like you who are desperately looking around for some real help to help them save a marriage and a lot of them are doing it alone. But please don't let that fact put you off trying to save your marriage, because even if you are the only one in the marriage who wants to save it, it can be saved. You really have to believe that or you might as well stop reading now!
The first thing to ask yourself as you go through your options of saving your marriage is "are you serious?" Being serious about this means that you will hang on in there working at it when it looks like you should be giving up. If you have that level of motivation then you will be able to ride the negative energy that you will get back from your spouse when you tell them of your plan and determination to save your marriage.
Your next move is to look closely at what has gone wrong with the marriage. This step can be painful for some because it involves them being open and honest and owning the mistakes that they've made. But if you're determined and ready to save your marriage, you will have to do this.
Once you have figured out your mistakes, forgive yourself. You cannot expect your spouse to forgive you for what has gone wrong if you can't forgive yourself - and you 100% want your spouse to forgive you, so start the ball rolling by forgiving yourself.
Get some help. Of course you're going to say that you cannot get help on your own! You cannot save a marriage on your own! But I'm going to tell you that you can.
You see, even if your spouse is ready to walk away and get no help to save your marriage, you can start the ball rolling on your own. There are a new set of marriage repair guides that are available online and they have been working brilliantly for many couples and individuals alike.
These guides are rewritten by professional marriage guidance counselors who have sat down and written out all their expertise into affordable guides and made these guides available to anyone who needs them online.
The best guides recognize that saving a marriage is not always straightforward and that you might not have a supportive and positive partner who agrees with saving the marriage. That's why part of the expertise of the best guides is how to save a marriage on your own, even if your spouse doesn't want to.
TIPS ON SAVING YOUR MARRIAGE
Are you struggling with your marriage? If so, you are not in the struggle alone; statistically speaking, almost sixty percent of marriages fail and the number is growing. Fortunately not all couples want to throw in the towel, many take their marriage vows seriously and want to save their marriage. I understand that not all marriages can be saved or should be but for those individuals who are struggling to stay married it will require much determination on the part of the husband and the wife. The tips below will help save your marriage 'IF' both individuals are committed on following through.
- Communicate is key. I know you have heard it before - communication, communication, but are you taking this point seriously? There is no possible way that any marriage is going to work if there is a lack of communicate. Both individuals must be able to voice how they feel, state what they want from the marriage, and from their spouse. You must know what is wrong in order to work towards a solution. You both may not even be on the same page as to what you view as being problems or issues within the marriage. So start talking and listening to each other.
- Forgive and forget. No one said saving your marriage was going to be easy. Forgiving and forgetting can be very hard to do depending on your situation, if your partner was unfaithful forgiveness may not come easy for you. However, if you still desire to save your marriage you will have to put forth the effort to forgive your spouse in order to preserve your marriage. Remember too, that forgiving someone is not so much about them, it is more about you and in this case about you being able to move forward. Focus on the here and now and what you both can do today to make your marriage better.
- Try compromising. Marriage is a union of two hearts and souls. Two people with different thoughts, ideas and opinions that must be respected. You must be able to give a little, you may get a lot in return and be much happier.
- Be Patient. You will need to be patient with your spouse and with yourself. Marriage problems/issues takes time to resolve. Your only mission here is to be willing and determined to save your marriage and get things back on track. In the process of remaining focus on your marriage there will be times when you feel you are getting no where, but stay your course. Rushing to fix things can have an adverse effect.
- Get counseling. If you cannot work out your differences, marriage counseling can help. Be selective as to the counselor you pick, you want someone that is of course a licensed professional who is experienced and competent in the field, but you also want someone that both of you feel comfortable working with. Someone that truly wants to help you resolve your issues. A good counselor can help you with guidance, support, encouragement and give you unbiased views that can give you insight on how to correct the problems in your marriage.
You both must agree to be active participants in the counseling sessions for the program to work effectively. You will find that counseling can be a worthwhile tool for helping you save your marriage. Best wishes for a happy marriage.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE? DON’T WORK ON YOUR MARRIAGE, WORK ON MAKING BEING SINGLE BETTER
Just got married? Well, economics professor Peter Thompson has some bad news for you: you probably won’t like it as much next year as you do now. And if you’re a woman, you’ll like it even less.
In a research report published in the October 2008 issue of the Economic Journal, Professor Thompson (who claims his study is not autobiographical) explores the role that learning plays in the evolution of happiness over the life of a marriage.
He imagines marriage as a process of learning how to live life as a couple. Couples begin life together with a common belief about the ‘right’ way to live their marriage. Over time, each spouse will have new experiences that induce them to change their beliefs.
The challenge for the couple is that some of these experiences can provide misleading information. As a result, couples are likely to develop different beliefs in the first few years of marriage, and so each partner is forced to live a life full of compromises.
The more divergent the beliefs of a couple, the more onerous is the compromise each spouse must make. For some, the compromise becomes too much and they separate.
Professor Thompson explores what his analysis has to say about the dynamics of marriage, divorce and happiness:
- Disagreements in a marriage can develop quickly, but they take a long time to resolve. As a result, the probability of separation rises quickly in the first few years of marriage, and it declines only slowly over the next few decades.
- Couples who marry young, with less experience and less precise ideas about how they should live their life are more likely to disagree and separate.
- Some couples should rightly expect from the start that their marriage will deteriorate. Eventually the marriage will get better again, but only if the couple can survive the tough times that come first.
- Societies that offer greater freedom about how individuals should live married life will have higher divorce rates than those in which expectations are well defined.
- Couples that reach a stage of marital distress when young are more likely just to walk out the door. Couples who develop problems at a later stage are more likely first to seek outside help such as marital counseling.
Why is Thompson’s picture of marriage worse for women? He cites extensive evidence showing that women typically make the larger compromise: how the couple lives is closer to the husband’s preferences than it is to the wife’s. As a result, women are less happy in marriage, and they are more likely to initiate separation and divorce.
When women getting the short end of the stick want out, their husbands don’t want them to leave. To preserve the marriage, Thompson argues, the husband offers to forgo part of his control over household decision-making, to compensate his wife for forgoing divorce.
But husbands cannot commit to future behaviour. The best they can promise to unhappy wives is that today they will behave just well enough to stop their wives walking out. But they will revert to type at the earliest opportunity.
The paradox is that wives whose husbands are making ‘concessions’ will be kept, perhaps for a considerable time into the future, as miserable as they are today. These women Thompson calls ‘desperate housewives’.
So what is a desperate housewife to do? One tactic is to drag her husband to marital counseling. But Thompson shows that doing so is likely to have only temporary effects on her happiness.
A more permanent solution is to raise the value of walking away from the marriage, which forces the husband to behave better in the long term. Thus, Thompson recommends:
‘Desperate housewives should forget about trying to improve their marriage.’
‘Instead, they should work on whatever would make them happy after divorce: better jobs, more friends, secret bank accounts or extramarital relationships.’
| || |