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I was reading through an article on how people can ensure their marriage is unhappy. Apart from being eye opening, it helped me realize where people go wrong to arrive at an unhappy marriage. First, a marital union that has no joy or vitality is referred to as an unhappy marriage. The only person who would wish for it is one who has intentions of leaving. We all want to be happy whether in marriage or out of marriage. Today, many people are in marriages that are suffocating them. It is not easy to work on a marriage where your partner is not willing to try. However, in every situation, there is always hope and, you can always make things work for you. It is good to start with what causes the problem in marriage. People can become unhappy due to many things. Lack of proper communication will leave couple feeling lonely in marriage. Issues of adultery are also very disappointing and will cause many to be unhappy. This is because trust is broken and returning to the place you were before can prove to be very challenging. Money issues will make a marriage very unhappy. Usually, when there is no agreement of how money should be spent.
Many couples become unhappy because they do not have that money in the first place. Poverty is one of the leading causes of strife in families. When things are alright financially, the marriage is more vibrant. Other issues include lack of satisfaction sexually. This is another leading cause of unhappiness. Couples become too familiar with each other until they no longer find any pleasure in sex. It is really a sad tale observing what marriages have to grapple with everyday. The good news is that you can do something about it. If you are in the marriage for good times and bad, you will find a way to make it work. First, establish what the particular cause of the unhappy marriage. All couples have unique problems and, you should always analyze your case independently. If your spouse has been laid off and as a result you have argued because money is not enough, stop in your tracks.
You need to show him or her love. Love is the only thing that can solve your problem. Do not appear to be judging them or looking down on them. Change your attitude and assure them you are in solidarity. Most partners will put each other down as a way of venting their anger or disappointment. However, both of you have to come up with a good plan for your survival. In cases of infidelity, you need to a lot of willingness to work things out. The end result will have to be forgiveness. It is not easy forgiving someone who put your union to shame. However, with the realization that every man or woman will error at some point, you can forgive and forget. Maybe it will be you begging forgiveness the next time. If you prepare and open your mind to the reality of problems in marriage, you will have an easier time dealing with some issues that can prove inevitable.
The Sexless Wife – Marriage & Frustrated Husbands
Having a sexless wife is a crushing blow to any guys manhood. Swaying between feeling that you are somehow to blame to the other end of the spectrum where you blame them for deliberately holding out as some sort of long standing punishment for perceived wrongs. In any case, a sexless marriage where the wife refuses sex and never initiates sex frustrating and self perpetuating.
A vicious cycle can emerge here that hinders what you really need to do to fix your sexless marriage.
Wife refuses to make love
Husband becomes resentful
Husband takes out resentment in petty ways on his wife
Wife becomes resentful of husbands actions
Communication and intimacy break down and more resentment and barriers continue to be erected.
It is amazing how quickly the real issues can be buried beneath a pile of anger and inconsiderate actions. I believed for instance that if my wife no longer was interested in making me feel good I would refuse to do anything that made her feel good. My limited romantic nature completely dried up and I became more self focused and less interested in doing many of the small things that she used to take for granted.
This of course is very stupid because she never saw this as revenge for her low libido but simply thought I was being rude and inconsiderate thus building the wall of resentment that stifled all intimacy and made us a completely sexless couple for over a year!
Only now standing at the edge of that pit we dug can i see the folly. When you are there it is more difficult to fathom just how wrong both of us were for our actions.
My advice is that if you are living with a sexless wife then as hard as it may be YOU need to be the one that makes the effort and the sacrifices to find a solution. You must be the one who takes a positive step. YOU must be the one who realizes that change comes first from within and then you can bring your wife out of her sexless marriage mentality.
From here communication can flow, the layers of invisible boundaries you have built together and be broken down and you can start applying the romance and begin again essentially to bring back the passion.
Causes of a Sexless Marriage
This is probably much harder to talk about than the solutions to a sexless marriage! The reasons can be so varied and so detailed and so specific to a particular marriage as to make generalizing the issue alienating to many and insulting to others but I will try to cover as many bases as possible.
The reasons that one partner in a marriage may become disinterested in sexual activities can be physical but much more commonly is emotional or psychological if you will. Even then some physical problems such as male impotence that seem physical may have psychological problems at their root too confusing the issue more. If the reason is physical and you do not know exactly what it is then it may manifest itself as rejection of sex rather than talking about the problem. More on communication about this issue later though however the other physical problem many refer to is simply that one partner has a LOW sex drive while the other has a much HIGHER sex drive which I personally believe is only half true seeing many couples who have worked through this have suddenly found their sex drive again or have found a midway point which lead to my next point.
The emotional issues more often than not are the real bugbears in a sexless marriage though when issues within a marriage or external influences or even emotional problems within your partners mind resurface. This is where the huge variety comes in so excuse me if I list a few in point form that seem to be common:
Resentment over household duties
Resentment over past arguments
Resentment over past actions
Resentment for any deeply buried issue that has not been solved!
Severe body image issues with themselves
Body image issues with their partner
Sheer exhaustion mentally and physically (Children and work as main culprits for both men and women)
Sexual abuse (recent or past)
I could go on but as you can see some are of extreme concern whereas others can seem almost trivial or petty. In many of these cases however there is still a lot of love and compassion within the marriage until things drift too far for sexless marriage help to be able to solve anything.
Sexless Marriage Help & Solutions
With such a wide variety of problems in a sexless marriage many husbands and wives may despair as to what they can do. There are two schools of thought on this which may be applicable to different couples’ sexless marriage situations. One school of thought is that communication is paramount and that talking through the issues carefully to then finding mutual solutions to the problems is the answer. The other, is that communication problems may be one of the issues at work here and personal action to increase attraction by your own efforts is the way to excite your spouse more.
Both have their good and bad points and a lot depends on what the root causes of this lack of intimacy in your marriage are.
Communication in a Sexless Marriage
I am a great believer in good communication within a marriage but I must also admit that in many cases I have heard of the partner who wishes to initiate sex but has been rejected many times by their spouse often try to do this but are rebuffed angrily and are at a loss of what to do next. Others though think that this hardly deserves to be an issue as a marriage should be about regular sex and take rejection as an insult. To those men or women I have to say you NEED to start communicating not just groping and hoping then acting hurt. If you wish to broach this subject with your spouse then you need to do one thing first and this is the most important thing you will ever know in this regard.
Make your conversation about them and their wishing, feelings and problems! Never make it all about YOUR wishes and feelings though they are valid.
This is because a person who feels harassed for sex only thinks you are trying to TAKE from them for self satisfaction and when you whine or complain or make it about you the same needy vibe is cast. This can be unfair because the hurt and shame of being rejected by your spouse can leave a serious mark on your self esteem but if you want a solution putting this aside is vital.
Once you do this you can start making headway in finding out why they are so withdrawn and cold physically if you promote an atmosphere where you are not casting blame and are willing to truly listen because good communication is 90% listening not talking! Some problems can only be navigated once you know the full extent of them especially when it stems from something external or that is not directly related to your relationship.
Action in a Sexless Marriage
While you may not be GETTING much action you can take action on this issue as well. The majority of sexless marriage end up that way because of a certain loss of attraction if not always a loss of love. We are never the same people as we once were when the relationship was new and the sex was wild and exciting, we change and we grow and evolve as people and it must be said we also change physically with age and sometimes simply with comfort levels in a stable marriage. People who drift apart emotionally also drift apart physically and couples who forget what it is to BE sexy for their partners also lose the excitement that once spurred on lovemaking.
Being sexy is something that generates sexual reciprocation and what is sexy differs between men and women and also is based on personal taste. Some men feel that a bit of extra grooming and a single romantic night out may help and be right while others find this does nothing because years of neglect of these things has left it’s mark. Others try this and completely miss the point because their wife really wants support and respect more than anything and the same is true with the genders reversed.
What this means is that the wrong actions can have no effect or even worse have more negative consequences while the right actions can slowly bring passion and lust back into your sexless marriage. The best advice I can give is that if you want to change things in your relationship without psychoanalyzing every detail with your partner is to start small but on all fronts where you think they may be disgruntled. From your own appearance to the way your treat them on a daily basis and for the love of god do not BOAST about all the good things you are doing or you run the risk of sounding like that needy person who wishes to take and manipulate to get sex which becomes an instant turn off. IF you do hit upon something that elicits some form of extra intimacy no matter how small you should be looking at what that is and continue doing things like that or similar!
Each marriage is different but sexless marriage help like this can be applied to many situations and it can usually not hurt to try them at least. If you are confused as to where to go next or feel all of this has been done and failed then there are more resources on the internet that go into this is a lot more depth written by professional counselors that may help you further. Click below to find out more.
Avoid Marriage Stress That Will Be the Causes of Divorce
Are you constantly fighting with your wife or husband? Does this cause you to feel frustrated and alone? Marriage stress can become much more harmful after a while. Simple irritating things can lead to huge fight and can in the long run be the causes of divorce. So what is the secret answer that will take care of all the problems you are having?
The simply answer is Commitment!
Studies have shown that couples that endured hardships and fighting have made the choice of committing to their marriage no matter what obstacles they faced. It´s the secret to long and successful marriages.
Those who commit to their marriage has an iron will to resolve these things. They do this because they believe very much that their marriage is worth saving. The opposite is also true, those who aren't sure their marriage is worth saving will often look for reasons to get out.
They blame their partner for their current situation, they want their partner to change and won't admit that they have had any part in their deteriorating relationship. This can never lead to a happy ending and are one of the many causes of divorce.
You don't have to spend thousands of dollars on a relationship counselor. People who do this often think there is a complex answer to their problems. This may be true but the core skill that must be learned is to simply commit to the relationship.
Only then will you be able to deal with marriage stress, conflicts, expectations and other marriage problems that can be the causes of divorce if they are not handled with respect.
According to statistics, 50% percent of first marriages, 67% of second and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.
Some frequently cited reasons for divorce:
Lack of commitment towards marriage, sexual incompatibility and infidelity
Commitment may be lacking in one of the partners because marriage happens not always out of love. It could be seen as making a good deal and when it is found that the deal is not what he or she expected divorce happens. Besides, people looking for quick solutions cannot sustain marriage for long.
Philandering habits die hard and this leads to infidelity. People with uncontrollable libido or unhappy with his or her partner cannot be loyal to their partners. So when the wife or husband comes to know of his or her partner cheating on him or herdivorce turns out to be the answer. The question that arises is when to divorce.
Lack of communication between spouses
Without communication no relationship can be effective. Keeping your resentments simmering within, your partner does not come to know what is happening with you and this is likely to create distance between you and your partner.
Abandonment, Alcohol Addiction, Substance Abuse
When one of the partners deserts his or her partner for quite some time or a longer period divorce emerges as the answer. One leaves his or her partner because of the latter’s bad habits.
Alcohol addiction and abuse prevent marital bliss because of the change in behavior pattern which makes an adverse impact upon mental peace and physical security.
Physical Abuse, Sexual Abuse and Emotional Abuse
These abuses are not uncommon and tolerating them is not good and a person who loves himself or herself would not put with such abuses.
Inability to manage or resolve conflict
Lack of maturity disables one to manage conflicts and handle personality differences or ‘irreconcilable differences’
Differences in personal and career goals
People who cohabit before marriage have higher rates of divorce than people who didn’t cohabit before marriage because differences become gigantic in course of time. Initial comfort before marriage was imagined to take things ahead in future but in reality it does not happen.
Different expectations about household tasks and financial problems
When expectations do not match it affects relationships most. This leads to personality conflict because none of them are willing to do things or are ready to sacrifice their time and comfort.
Because what one wants the other to do, the other does not do there is dissatisfaction and frustration. In such instances love becomes sour. This exacerbates with financial problems because material needs remain unfulfilled and creates discontent in the minds of both the partners as one cannot give and feels humiliated and the other is frustrated because of long standing inconveniences.
Intellectual Incompatibility and Inflexibility
Intellectual incompatibility creates misunderstandings. And the smarter person feels frustrated while the less intelligent partner is mad about not reaching the level of intelligence of the other and makes life miserable for himself or herself and for the others also.
Mental Instability or Mental Illness
Insanity does not allow space for normal communication.
Religious beliefs, cultural and lifestyle differences
Cultural values clash unless we are highly adaptive in nature. Orthodoxy leads to intolerance and conservatism gags the spontaneity of life. So this leads to divorce after some time of marriage
When a person has a valid reason to divorce, he or she knows when to divorce. After all, there is no point in hanging on to a person. One should take appropriate action and break-off the relationship.