| || || | Blaming other people or circumstances seems to be the way some people deal with conflict or unpleasant situations. When I think about a climate of blame in a marital relationship, I think of the negative effect it has on a marriage.Effects such as:
- Fear of taking a risk.
- Fear of taking responsibility.
- Fear of making a decision.
- Fear of offering a different opinion.
- Feelings of resentment.
- Increase emotional stress.
- Decreased desire to communicate.
- A sense powerlessness and discouragement.
- Decreased passion and intimacy.
Blame in marital relationships causes despair, feelings of powerlessness and unhappiness for the spouse on the receiving end of all that blame.
Blame Protects One Spouse and Damages The Other:
Blame allows a spouse to put responsibility on their mate and everything other than himself/herself. It means your spouse doesn’t have to experience the discomfort of looking at their own faults or take responsibility for the situation. If a spouse doesn’t have to look at their own faults or take responsibility that means they don’t have to change. It is the other person who needs to change…with the problems and the blaming spouse can stay in their comfort zone.
Abraham Maslow said, “One can spend a lifetime assigning blame, find the cause 'out there' for all the troubles that exist. Contrast this with the 'responsible attitude' of confronting the situation, bad or good, and instead of asking, 'What caused the trouble? Who was to blame?' asking 'How can I handle this present situation to make the most of it? What can I salvage here?”
Next time your spouse blames you instead of taking responsibility tell him/her they are failing to have a responsible attitude. And, in doing so, are failing to get the most they can out of the situation.
Problems with your husband? Blame him
In ‘It's (Mostly) His Fault,’ Robert Alter says most men aren’t interested in connecting with their wives; they’re interested in dominating them
Sure, we’ve all heard that it takes two to tango in a relationship, but that may not necessarily be the case. After more than 30 years of counseling couples, Robert Alter concluded that men are to blame for the problems in most marriages. That doesn’t mean that men can’t change and learn to be better partners. In his new book, “It's (Mostly) His Fault: For Women Who Are Fed Up and the Men Who Love Them,” Alter tells how men can assume more active roles in their relationships and how both spouses can communicate with each other with more honesty and candor. Here’s an excerpt:
Hey! You’re in a relationship!
Part of me loves and respects men so desperately, and part of me thinks they are so embarrassingly incompetent at life and in love. You have to teach them the very basics of emotional literacy. You have to teach them how to be there for you. — Anne Lamott
Let’s face it, we men don’t know squat about relationships. We don’t really do relationships. We do work, we do sports, we do cars, we do wars, and we do sex (which is what often passes for relationship with some of us), but we don’t really do relationships.
“His idea of a relationship,” said Margo of her husband, Paul, in their first session, “is he comes home from a three-day business trip, tired and cranky, says a perfunctory hi to me, who’s standing there at the door to greet him, stoops down to hug the kids for a few seconds, then makes a beeline upstairs to shower, change his clothes, and come down a half hour later. He sits down with us at the table where he gobbles down his favorite meal, which I’ve spent two hours preparing for him, hardly says a word to us, not a word of thanks to me, then gets up and goes into the den and turns on the TV and falls asleep. If I question him about it, like, ‘Is this your idea of a relationship, Paul?’ he either looks at me like I have two heads, or he gets mad at me. I really don’t think he knows what I’m talking about. I’m not even sure he knows what the word ‘relationship’ means.”
What we men mostly do is alone. “I am a rock, I am an island” ... “Jo-Jo was a man who thought he was a loner” ... “Desperado, you’ve been out ridin’ fences” ... that sort of thing. Even relationships we’re in — like our marriages — we do them alone, or try to.
This drives women completely nuts.
Because women do relationships. They like relationships. They find their very identity in relationships and connections. In the same way that it is the nature of water to be wet, it is the nature of women to be relational.
This is somewhere between quite surprising and totally incomprehensible to most of us men.
But it makes sense, when you think about it
Because women are totally biologically built for relationship. In pregnancy they carry another human being inside their bodies for nine months, which is about as relational as it gets. In the early years of their mothering they’re nursing that baby night and day, which is also about as relational as it gets. In lovemaking they open up their beings and their very bodies to another human being, which is also about as relational as it gets.
Women, it is clear, are relational.
And you went and married one!
Blaming Your Spouse After the Affair
I get a lot of emails in which the spouse who was cheated on can not let go of the blame and the resentment toward the spouse who cheated. Often they have tried many things to get past this, but every time they look at their spouse, they just can not see anything but anger.
In contrast, I sometimes also get emails from the spouse who has cheated but who in some way is blaming their spouse for the cheating. Sometimes they will say that their spouse did not give them enough affection or attention. Sometimes they will tell me that their spouse was distant and cold. And other times, they will say that the affair is "pay back" for infidelity from a previous period of time.
Neither of these situations and this blame does anything to help propel you forward towards healing. It's absolutely understandable to want to find and feel anger towards the source of your hurt, but at the end of the day, you need to move past these feelings so that you can heal. I will discuss this more in the following article.
Blaming The Spouse Who Cheated On You: This is absolutely understandable. This person betrayed you, hurt you, and shared things with someone else that they promised to only share with you. They made this decision without giving you a chance to state your case or to change the outcome. You went to bed one night and thought you knew what your life consisted up and woke up the next morning realizing that what you thought you knew was a lie.
So, it's absolutely understandable that you are feeling a little lost right now. Take all of the time that you need to release these feelings. However, eventually there is going to come a time where you realize that it is painful to live in the past. You will discover that you are tired of always feelings as though you have a heavy anchor tied to your ankle tying you down. You will come to realize that you no longer want to feel the awful way that you are feeling right now.
To move forward, you are going to have to let go of the hurt, the pain, and the anger. Sure, there is more than enough blame to go around, but do you want to cling to it, hold onto it, and continue to allow it to bring you pain? Whether you decide to stay in the marriage or not, in order to move forward in a healthy way, you have to encourage the healthy feelings and discourage the unhealthy feelings. Blame leads to anger and anger, if allowed to continue on without resolution, hurts you every bit as much as it hurts them.
It's OK to hate the cheating and to hate the act, but it's more healthy if you can get to a point where you can separate the person from their act. The cheating can not define the person forever. It was one act in a long line of acts and you must evaluate what the totality of their acts represents to you. It's highly likely that there are some loving and kind acts tied in with this one, so truly, in the end, you might come to a point where you realize that things are sometimes not as black and white as you originally thought and that seeing the shades of gray is more healthy for your emotional health moving forward.
This doesn't mean that you condone or negate the behavior or will ever accept it again, but it does mean that you want to move on without allowing it to continue to hurt you in this way for the rest of your life.
Blaming Your Spouse When You Are The One Who Cheated: I am sure that you can understand why your spouse is furious right now. Just for a second, put yourself in their shoes. They trusted you, they were vulnerable with you, and you betrayed them. Now, once you've imagined yourself in their shoes, imagine how you would feel if they told you that it was your fault. How would you like it if they told you that they cheated because you didn't do your job at home, that you weren't a good enough spouse, and that you didn't offer you what you needed?
Would this make you feel more forgiving toward them? Of course it wouldn't. It would only make you more angry and hurt. The truth is, maybe your marriage was not perfect. Maybe your spouse was lacking. Maybe you were vulnerable. However, none of these things justify cheating. There were other options, but you did not pursue them. You chose to betray and lie instead.
You can't change the past, but you can certainly change how you act from here on out. Take responsibility for your actions and instead of flinging the blame, work with your spouse to address and fix what is broken, should you chose to go that route. It really doesn't matter who shoulders the most blame - what matters is where you go from here and how healthy your actions are moving forward.
How to Know If Your Spouse is Lying to You
What can be more dreadful in a relationship other than encountering the bitter truth that your spouse is lying to you? It can be a tough job to spot a lying spouse, especially when your spouse possesses the ability to outsmart you. Hopefully the ways mentioned below help you to know if your spouse is lying to you. Try them out at your risk....
A constant change in subject - It is in fact one of the best ways to know whether your spouse is lying to you. Often you may see that your spouse is trying to evade questions dealing with sudden change in his professional life. At times s/he may also express irritation at the mere mention of something or may even express reluctance in discussing issues which are of vital importance to your family life.
Observe non-verbal cues - The non-verbal cues speak a great deal in making you aware that your spouse is lying to you. Belief that liars cannot maintain good eye-contact is a matter of old-books. In fact liars can very well maintain great eye contact and utter statements which do not even have a pinch of truth. In this case watch out for non-verbal cues. Make a keen observation as to whether your spouse is getting nervous when you are making the usual day-to-day enquiries. Also look out if he becomes less fluent when you counter-attack him with a flurry of questions.
Violent explosion - Another great way to know whether your spouse is lying is when s/he starts exploding at the slightest mention of something. Your spouse may also go to the extent of blaming you for doubting his/her integrity. Often these explosions are a result of extreme fear and tension of being exposed and caught red-handed.
The best possible way to catch your cheating spouse-
Signs Of A Cheating Spouse
It is very difficult to come to terms with the fact that your spouse has been cheating on you. Thus, many of you choose to ignore the obvious signs of a cheating spouse. However, it is advisable to notice those signs which can make you sure that your spouse is cheating on you rather than him/her telling you to get out of his/her life after sometime. At that point you are sure to be angry not only with him/her but also with yourself for not notice such obvious signs that would tell you that your husband/wife has been cheating you. If you notice a cluster of the 10 signs below you can be sure that your spouse is cheating.
Cheat Sign #1: Pays Less Attention To You
If it is the beginning of an extra-marital affair, a cheating spouse is more likely pay undue attention to you. This happens due to a guilt feeling. Later he/she starts finding faults in you, abuses you, talks sarcastically and starts blaming you for petty things, simply to overcome the feeling of guilt.
Cheat Sign #2: Loses Interest In The Stuff Around The Home
A cheating spouse usually loses interest in activities at home like mowing the lawn, doing house repairs, cleaning the garage, etc. he/she seems to be more closed and distant and does not even mingle with the kids. Instead he/she blames you of being aloof from the kids and not caring enough for them.
Cheat Sign #3: Their Smell
When your spouse comes back home smelling of a cologne or perfume he/she does not use and heads straight towards the shower, which he/she did not do earlier, you can consider it as a strong sign that he/she is cheating you.
Cheat Sign #4: A Change In Their Lifestyle
A change is lifestyle is a very strong reason to consider that your spouse is on cheating you. In such cases, men start using different colognes or women start dressing more provocatively, they take more care of their appearance and start weight loss programs.
Cheat Sign #5: Spends More Time At Work
A cheating spouse suddenly starts spending more time in the office. He/she either leaves home early or comes back late due to official meetings or dinners.
Cheat Sign #6: Private Phone Calls
If your spouse is cheating on you, you will notice that he/she frequently leaves the room to answer a call and whispers while talking. When you wish to know the name of the caller you get a vague reply or your spouse simply abuses you.
Cheat Sign #7: Surfing The Internest Late At Night
If your spouse has started surfing the Internet too frequently at odd hours in the night and switches/closes the window when you enter the room/pass by/get up from the bed, you can take this as a warning sign.
Cheat Sign #8: A Big Change In Your Sex Life
Cheaters often have a change in sex life. They either want more sex or they abstain from sex or start making strange requests, or want to try out new positions and become more experimental and aggressive during sex.
Cheat Sign #9: Usually Large Bills
You must have heard of the famous saying that if a person wants to play, he/she has to pay. So, when your spouse does not want to show his pay slip to you, starts spending money on gifts you do not receive, withdraws cash from the ATM frequently, etc you can take it as a sign of cheating.
Cheat Sign #10: Forgets Their Wedding Ring
When our partner stops wearing the wedding ring and the jewellery you bought for him/her, though he/she used to wear it all the time earlier and when questioned gives a vague reply or lame excuses, you should start looking for other signs of cheating as well.
All this might seem to be very unethical to those who trust their spouses and have a strong and committed relationship. But those who are have noticed any of these signs in clusters should start looking for other signs as well, as there is a strong possibility that your spouse is cheating on you
Signs Your Boyfriend Is Cheating On You
There are numerous signs that will let you suspect that your boyfriend is cheating on you. But here are the seven tell tale signs that you cannot afford to miss or ignore.
Sudden grooming changes: When your boyfriend all of a sudden decides that he wants to look better, then it mostly means more than a change of heart. This usually happens, when he wants to please someone else, who has come into his life and he wishes to influence her.
Acting distant: It is a very common thing for a guy to pull away from the lover, as soon as he gets close to someone else. He may not even be aware that this is happening to him. Unconsciously or consciously, he is slowly drawn to the newfound and his attachment increases day by day.
Getting defensive: It is a clear-cut sign that your boyfriend is dishonest, when out of the blue he gets self-protective, when you ask him questions that he never bothered about before. For example you may ask him a straightforward question like "darling why are you late tonight" and he goes on with a long explanation, how you should know that he works very hard and so on rather than giving a direct answer right away.
Insecurity in public: When you are out there in public, and you notice that he acts insecure, constantly glancing behind and sideways, that's an obvious sign. Take that as a hint that there is somebody in his life, to whom he has not told about you and the other would mind and question if she saw the two of you together.
Secrecy in phone calls: Nothing is more alarming than when his phone rings. He is kind of hesitant to answer the call and when he does, he will whisper softly and promises to return the phone call later. When this starts happening, you are almost sure that you are being cheated.
Irritability: In just about all cases of boyfriends cheating, there will be a certain alternation in behavior and you may observe that he starts to criticize you and find fault in most of the things you do. In a way, he feels this works for him, as it tends to justify his cheating mind. But beware of this behavior as in some men this can be extremely opposite, being overly nice and showering you with praises that you may even not deserve.
Being insensitive to your feelings: Perhaps this is the most obvious of all signs that you realize the love you share is fast becoming ineffective, since someone else has replaced your love for him. Your boyfriend may even start forgetting those plans and dates that you two held so dear, or call them off with no good reasons. All this happens, when he no more considers your feelings because another girl has occupied his mind. It could be worse, if you realize that he has not even bothered to invite you to the usual hangouts, which you used to visit earlier.
All these are tell tale signs that your boyfriend is cheating on you and that its time you approached him and openly discuss, what is really happening and decide whether to remain together or part ways.
Signs Of A Cheating Girlfriend
Women can be sneaky, especially when they are cheating. There are many signs of a cheating girlfriend; however they are not all relevant to each woman. Girlfriends are different so watching for the signs combined with physical signs is a good way to determine if she is being unfaithful or not. Read on for more information about the signs of a cheating girlfriend and how to catch them.
There are a ton of physical signs that a woman is cheating. That is because when a woman is in a relationship she becomes comfortable in many cases too comfortable! That is often what gets her caught. Here are few things or changes to look for. Remember before you accuse her of cheating, you must weigh all the factors and suspicions. Not one thing is a clear cut answer as to whether she has a boyfriend or not.
Do you remember when you first got together and she was fanatical about smelling good, bathing and personal hygiene? Over time women sometimes will back off until someone new comes along, then she has that renewed energy. There is someone else to impress. When considering changes in personal behaviors, one must consider the change in comparison to her normal or past behavior.
Have those bras and panties or lingerie recently been updated, but you rarely get to see them? Believe me when a woman buys it the only time you see it shouldn’t be when doing the laundry. It is very common when a woman becomes interested in someone new they have a refreshed sense of style and clothing. If her bras and panties were the more “boring” type and all the sudden they are a little sexier, an affair might be something to consider.
When your significant other would rather spend time at work, with the girls or her family it is a sign. When those Saturday night dates or daily lunches end, she has lost interest in the relationship. It may mean that she has another interest! Most people in love want to be together and it is a huge sign when this changes. Take into consideration other factors in the woman’s life before making a rash decision about whether or not she is having an affair. Events that are traumatic, hurtful or certain medical conditions can cause a woman to change. It is important to keep in mind the entire personality, behavior and factors when considering the motives behind her changes.
Indicators Your Husband Is Having An Affair
It is a very depressing thought that cheating in our society has become a frequent norm and as such has reached levels, where it is considered as normal.
Indicator #1: His Phone Pattern
Your husband's phone pattern is most likely to give you the strongest indicator that he may be cheating you. You may have noticed that he deletes all the numbers he has called or received on his phone. He may even use lame excuses to stay on the phone line for long, receive the phone away from you or speak almost inaudibly on the phone.
Indicator #2: His Computers History
If you have a home computer, be wary of the dangers that it may pose to your affair in general. As quite a number of affairs happen over the Internet, be alert! Most obviously, he will delete the Internet history and if you were a complete dummy you would not be able to figure out that he is hiding something from you. If you also become aware of his sex desire being evoked, when he sits with his computer, it may most likely be a translation to mean that he is having an online sex partner, whom you should not forget is equally destructive to your marriage too.
Indicator #3: Where Is The Money Going?
In most affairs that men get into outside marriage, most of them are driven by money, and more often than not he may try to please the new woman with lots of material things. Typically they may come in the form of outings and/or gifts. Be very vigilant to his changing spending habits. There is no harm, if once in a while you nosed around his credit or debit card details. The move may save you from heartache later on. And if he gets tightfisted and secretive with the particulars, then you have a clear indicator that he is indeed having a relationship outside your marriage.
Indicator #4: Your Bond Is Gone
When your husband cheats you, one thing that will stand out between you two will be the weakening of your husband's emotional bonding with you. It will decrease. Therefore pay attention to any difference to the way you routinely relate. For example, at night you may notice that all of a sudden he starts sleeping without cuddling you, which is something that he always did before. Such indications, where physical intimacy is involved can never be wrong. The reason you need to be extremely wary is that he may even act in the exact opposite way, like have more sex and be more physically romantic in a way to conceal his guilt.
Indicator #5: Spends Less Time With You
If your husband is having an affair, he will have less time for you and your children. But again, because your husband will naturally feel guilty of what he is doing behind your back, he may suddenly start being extra nice to you or to the kids. Mostly, he will start spending more time with the kids and showering you with gift just to cover up his sins.
So, now you know, when your husband would be a cheat. Don't turn blind to these indicators. If you notice at least two of them, it is time you start acting to save your marriage.
How To Spot A Cheating Wife
Spotting a wife who cheats is perhaps quite simple. The problem arises when all you may do is simply suspect. You need to do something more than merely suspect. Let us look at some of the sure signs that your wife could be cheating on you.
The first thing you might notice is unexpected irritability. Your wife might start getting upset over trivial matter, and extremely hotheaded on smaller issues. For example, earlier, like many women, she might have complained about you wearing the same old shirt to work, or that you paid more attention to work than her. But this time, she starts turning these issues into full-blown arguments. This can be a clear sign that she is getting emotionally attached to someone else. Observe if she walks out of the house and maybe going out with someone else with the excuse of feeling lonely and that she needs someone to talk to. If she is doing that, it's an indication that she is having an affair. She might also be calling someone on phone after you have an argument. This is also a strong indication that she is cheating on you.
If you notice that your wife is not intimate with you anymore, it could be definitely time to sit up and smell the coffee. Excuses like the "not tonight honey I have a headache" may flow fast. She will soon stop giving you those quick pecks on your cheeks and will start turning her head away from you. This lack of emotional attachment will go as far as the bed and she will lose interest in having sex with you. Women love to wear revealing lingerie before bed to attract their men. But if she still wears these clothes but doesn't want you to have sex with her, it's a bad sign.
Watch out if your wife starts coming home late after work equipped with excuses like overtime at the office, or a coffee with her female friends at work. She will suddenly have "female" friends calling her and asking her to go out with her. If you take notice of these and investigate further, you will soon realize that she is not actually getting calls from a female friend but from a man she is having an affair with. Your wife may also start canceling the outing you had planned and sometimes she would rather be home than go out with you, something she craved for a while ago.
Your wife might be cheating on you if she suddenly starts being careless with the wedding ring. She will start leaving it at home or in the bathroom after a bath. This is an indication that she doesn't value your marriage anymore and she is seeking solace from some other quarters. It's time to take action.
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA