Blame Him, Blame Her

Published on by CMe



Blame Him, Blame Her


Marital Finances Can Make You Miserable

How in the world could I have allowed my household finances get to this point? If this is a question you are now asking yourself, then you are financially miserable in your marriage. You have allowed yourself to become so financially dependent on someone else’s money that you can no longer pay your bills, believing that he always would, things do have an uncanny way of changing. If the marriage is already in trouble the added burden of finances isn’t going to help and the bills aren’t going away without being paid.

A good marriage is hard enough to hold onto without finances getting in the way. Finances play a very important part in a marriage and responsibility of them has to done by one of you. If one or even both of you work, at least meet each other half way with money management because if you don’t you will eventually run into financial despair. The tension will start then the arguments and fights over who spent what on what and why will be next. Money may be the “Root Of All Evil” but the bottom line is still you need it to Survive. 

Bills need to be paid and paid on time on a regular basis. When this fails or someone stops making an attempt to pay or stops paying altogether Look Out, it just Hit The Fan. Whatever the cause, yelling, name calling or finger pointing will not solve the situation. Financial stress can be overwhelming, it has been known to cause in my case, serious health problems from the worry. You will become a bundle of nerves, unable to eat or sleep from that worry. Financial worry can cause turmoil, tension, heartaches and unhappiness leading you to live in a miserable marriage.

Mostly all problems can be worked out, finances can be too, if you both work at it, cut spending and try budgeting then saving, working together may save you from financial misery in your marriage

Blame In Marital Relationships

Blaming other people or circumstances seems to be the way some people deal with conflict or unpleasant situations. When I think about a climate of blame in a marital relationship, I think of the negative effect it has on a marriage. Effects such as:
  • Fear of taking a risk.

  • Fear of taking responsibility.

  • Fear of making a decision.

  • Fear of offering a different opinion.

  • Feelings of resentment.

  • Increaded emotional stress.

  • Decreased desire to communicate.

  • A sense powerlessness and discouragement.

  • Decreased passion and intimacy.

Blame in marital relationships causes despair, feelings of powerlessness and unhappiness for the spouse on the receiving end of all that blame.

Blame Protects One Spouse and Damages The Other:

Blame allows a spouse to put responsibility on their mate and everything other than himself/herself. It means your spouse doesn’t have to experience the discomfort of looking at their own faults or take responsibility for the situation. If a spouse doesn’t have to look at their own faults or take responsibility that means they don’t have to change. It is the other person who needs to change…with the problems and the blaming spouse can stay in their comfort zone. 

Abraham Maslow said, “One can spend a lifetime assigning blame, find the cause 'out there' for all the troubles that exist. Contrast this with the 'responsible attitude' of confronting the situation, bad or good, and instead of asking, 'What caused the trouble? Who was to blame?' asking 'How can I handle this present situation to make the most of it? What can I salvage here?”

Next time your spouse blames you instead of taking responsibility tell him/her they are failing to have a responsible attitude. And, in doing so, are failing to get the most they can out of the situation. hope alive during a marriage crisis

It is a most stressful time when there is a marriage crisis because it is easy to feel that one's world is falling apart, slowly and menacing;y. There is often a lot of anger, resentment, blaming, confusion and bitterness. At times it can seem that everything is finished and there's no real way out, because there will be a lot of fear, anxiety and insecurity on both sides. However, even in the worst circumstances, there is always hope. The trick is to know how to keep hope alive to the finish and that depends on five key factors.
  1. Communication
    This needs a lot of time and sensitivity, especially if the other party might want to leave the home as quickly as possible. Keeping them engaged is very important. Regardless of the level of animosity between the couple, so long as both partners wish the marriage to continue that gives the strongest hope of a positive outcome. It means the couple will be more willing to talk and talk and talk: to communicate more with each other, to actually listen to one another, to affirm and validate each other and to accept each individual position with greater empathy and understanding. Often communicating is almost impossible when people have been hurt, when they believe they have been wronged, or when one partner can sense that the other has selective hearing. But at crisis moments like these, communication is the most important tool in keeping hope alive, because as long as the parties are talking, there is some hope of reconciling and even agreeing.

  2. Keep Focused on the Present
    Keeping focused means keeping out of the past. Whatever has caused the rift and the anger has already happened. It cannot be undone. The only course open is to discuss why it happened, what pain it caused, so that the pain and the effects on the couple and/or family are fully acknowledged, the lessons that can be learned from it and end with a promise to forgive and move on. So long as the couple keeps on about what happened for the sake of it, without any kind of closure on it, the emotional wound will stay open and the pain will be prolonged, which tend to make both parties feel overwhelmed. Keeping focused helps to keep priorities in view and it keeps hope at the forefront, because there is then the possibility of moving on, primarily through forgiveness and a determination to put the past behind them and start anew. 

  3. Stop Blaming
    Regardless of who is at fault that really doesn't matter for the present. The offender cannot undo the damage but they can use it as a learning experience and pledge better and more sensitive action for the future. Continually placing the blame on one person negates the whole idea of trying to reconcile and merely provides handy scapegoats for pain, anger and bitterness. Both parties should decide which is more important to them: keeping the marriage intact, and from a better basis of understanding and genuine respect, or finding scapegoats to make themselves feel better but which resolves nothing. Once the priority is established the parties can be more hopeful that the outcome will be mutually agreeable.

  4. Acceptance
    The one thing that really turns hope into concrete results is full acceptance of the other person: especially their feelings, their hurt, their anger, pain and general emotional experience. It means whether one agrees with the other person or not, the way they FEEL about the situation has to be acknowledged, respected and accepted. Even when one party might feel that the other is behaving unreasonably. They deserve that acceptance because they are entitled to those feelings. They alone know what is going on inside their head. If we deny people their emotions we repress their uniqueness in favour of our feelings and what we want; we also deny their hurt and we we deny them closure on their terms, instead of ours. Once there is acceptance and reinforcement, the other party is more likely to see our point of view too. But without such acceptance, feelings remain negative, in a continuing morass of resentment, and become difficult to reconcile. Full acceptance of each other means it is okay to cry, to shout, to scream, to feel confused, bewildered and shocked by the situation, and lots of negative things might be said. But they are all part of the process of understanding the situation, of coping with it and working towards acceptance of it too.

  5. Positivity
    This is a very important part of keeping hope alive, and a difficult part too. After all, one is trying to be positive in the face of a crisis which could finish one's marriage, especially if there are children involved. But if one is not positive, hope cannot thrive because negativity builds nothing. It simply destroys. If the other party is not too keen on keeping the marriage, it would be an uphill task for you. It means you will have to do most of the work to bring that person round to your perspective. Being positive, affirming and sensitive are key words to help you in your goal. 

Additionally, while the communication is going on, expand your own life with new activities and new friends so that you will feel supported and be kept grounded in what you have to do. New activities will also bring a fresh perspective to your life. If you keep yourself busy, talk a lot with your partner, accept and encourage them to move forward and also have the expectation and faith that you will reconcile your differences, especially through the love that you've shared, your hope should turn into reality and the crisis should also pass.


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Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at  MetroSexual LA


Comment on this post

Dr. Karen Sherman 02/07/2010 21:04

These are all really good points!

As a relationship expert (, I would like to add that couples need to know that conflicts are bound to happen. But here's the good news: there are skills they can learn
so that they can handle them better. When they do, their partnerships fare much better. I offer a free teleseminar, "The 7 Tools to Manage Conflict Communication in Your Relationship." To hear it,
go to:

Sam Cannon 02/03/2010 14:24

Nice to see the Maslow. Note that he was big on what he called "hierarchical integration," which means taking dichotomies (e.g. I'm OK, you're not OK) and seeing them "from above." In
relationships, when we find ourselves in the jungle, it's necessary to climb up and see frictions "under the aspect of eternity."

It's not so much that there's a middle ground between the poles of the dichotomy, but one ABOVE which solves the problem. Same thing you pointed out in your quote. Cheers.