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Most cherished romance myths
Thanks to romantic novels and mushy movies, we all are quite familiar with popular love quotes; like, lovers never disagree, only love at first sight is true love and so on.
The problem starts when people start following these love rules blindly. Dr Sameer Parikh, a psychiatrist opines, “Misinterpretation of these love rules is what we call romance myths. Our thought process is bound to have an impact on our life and our relationships. By blindly following these statements, you end up setting rigid boundaries for yourself. If your partner doesn’t behave the way you want, you get unduly upset. And that is definitely what is unhealthy for a relationship.”
Read on to find out some of the most popular romance myths that we love to nurture and how they can secretly spoil our relationship.
Love is blind
On your fifth date you think, you are perfect for each other and can accept your partner with all his irritating habits. A few months later, you might disagree with yourself.
Software professional Renuka Singh reveals, “We joined this organisation on the same day and clicked well during our orientation period. Within months, we started dating. My guy was quite popular amongst the females in our department. At least 3-4 chat windows would always be open on his computer. Initially, I preferred to ignore this by thinking networking in office is important. It’s been a year now and I am quite upset with his flirtatious behaviour. I don’t doubt his intentions, but at the same time I don’t want my guy to be so easily available.”
Reality Check : Dr Parikh recommends, “Most people ignore their partner’s shortcomings in the initial phase of their courtship. For example, if your guy is possessive, you may like it for a while and may think that he is so sweet and caring. After 8-10 months, you may find it suffocating. So it’s better to keep your eyes and ears open in love. Do not let your obsession grow so much that you fail to see what reality is.”
Absence makes the heart grow fonder
Many people believe that spending time apart and missing each other can actually bring them closer. However, you should better be careful while interpreting the word ‘absence’.
Sunil Mehra, who works with a Gurgaon-based MNC tells, “We were together from a year when my girlfriend decided to go to Australia for studies. Making a long distance relationship work isn't an easy task, but I still prepared myself for it. Calling everyday wasn't possible and she didn’t have the time to chat. I felt as if it was only me who wants to make our relationship work. Finally, I too stopped making efforts and decided to move on. Now she is back in India and wants to be with me, but I am dating someone else now.”
Reality Check : Dr Kamal Khurana, a marriage and relationship counselor claims, “When you are not able to talk everyday or do not meet each other for weeks, obviously you will have a lot to share and cherish when you meet. The only condition is - you should make efforts to be connected while you are not physically together. The duration also matters a lot. If you can live without your partner for three years without much conversation that means you don’t need him/her. Emotional warmth and physical intimacy matters a lot in a relationship.”
Fighting makes a relationship stronger
Krishan Rawat, a business development executive narrates, “Disagreements are quite obvious when you stay with somebody for 24 X 7. The problem arises when you use derogatory words for your partner and stop respecting each other. My wife and I fight most of the times and I feel we are venting out our frustrations on each other. Mostly we forget the issue we were having an argument about, as discussing that is never important. I guess our frequent fights signify our dissatisfaction towards each other.”
Reality Check : “In a relationship, learn to negotiate. You should know whether you are fighting for the relationship or fighting against each other. It is not necessary that both of you think similarly about one particular issue. Healthy interactions that lead to mutual understanding is what a couple needs as cribbing and augmenting will only increase your problems,” recommends Dr Parikh.
Either you are a born romantic or you are not
It’s completely true that you can’t fake romance, but at the same time it’s not a trait that you are born with.
Amit Raina, who works with a Delhi-based consultancy firm tells, “I am into a relationship for the last three years. My girl is a hardcore romantic and I am completely the opposite. Calling her twice in a day and taking her out on shopping is all I do for her. She always complains that I never plan out our dates. Therefore, last week, I called her in the evening and told her I'm waiting outside her office. She loved the fact that I waited for her for 20 minutes. I took her to my favourite coffee shop. It was just a normal date, but she was thrilled with the fact that I took the initiative that she couldn’t stop smiling the whole day.”
Reality Check : Dr Khurana says, “Being romantic is a very broad term. For some people it might mean being emotionally expressive and for others may imply being flirtious or sexually aggressive. Love is all about emotional proximity with your partner, the way you can make him/her happy that’s romance. Nobody is a born romantic, but you can always master the art with time.”
A relationship gets better with time
A relationship can improve only when you make efforts to make it better. When it comes to love, nothing happens on its own. You have to make the situation work for you.
Prerna Tripathi, a PR manager says, “We got married nearly 12 years back and have a daughter too. To keep my hubby hooked to our marriage, I give special attention to my looks. We try to spend some alone time everyday and talk about our family, as well as our professional lives. This bonding ritual helps us unwind and bond. Only living together is not enough to make a marriage work. You should make efforts to keep each other happy and content in every possible way.”
Reality Check : “People who live by this myth that everything will get better with time, suffer a lot. You have to work hard to strengthen the bond between you both. It’s true that you start understanding each other in a better way with time. However, you can't forget the fact that your relationship can also lose its sheen as time passes by. People, who choose to blindly follow this rule, are generally left in a shock when their partner suddenly decides to quit. It even happens in marriages,” Dr Khurana concludes.
How to Be Cherished is the third book by authors Marilyn Graman and Maureen Walsh, co-founders of Life Works, a Greenwich Village firm that helps women create fulfilling lives, including finding the men of their dreams and keeping the love alive through the challenges of cohabitation. Graman is a psychotherapist who says she learned everything she knows about human nature from teaching kindergarten for 12 years. Walsh is a “business therapist” who combined an MBA and a background in the performing arts into a career helping creative professionals manage their affairs. In How to Be Cherished, the authors teach women how to manage affairs of the heart to get the results they desire.
How to Be Cherished is based on a seminar of the same name taught at Life Works. The participants in those workshops come to life on the pages of this book, as they recount a familiar litany of difficulties faced by women in long-term relationships:
- We used to be crazy about each other. Now we just drive each other crazy.
- I gave up my career to bear his children, my hobbies to raise his children, my life to support his life, and he doesn’t seem to notice, much less care.
- No matter how many times or how many ways I ask for his help, I don’t get it. He doesn’t contribute, and I’m tired of asking. When he does help around the house, it takes more time to undo the damage he causes than it would to just do the work myself.
- He has the communication skills of a pet rock. We never talk anymore. Whenever we try, it turns into an argument. Just when the argument starts getting good, he walks out.
- Over the years, a wall of resentment has built-up between us. Every let-down, insult, and betrayal is another brick in the wall. I don’t think there’s any way of getting over that wall. There are some things you never get over.
After the bloom is off the romance, many women live their lives between a rock (an island of loneliness) and a hard place (their man). Life Works is often their last step before heading out the door — through separation, divorce, or an affair. Yet Life Works has not only saved marriages — they’ve shown women how to be cherished by their men, how to be desired as though the relationship were a new bud ripe with promise.
For many women, the heart has become a closed room, shut off in self-defense. Chapter by chapter, Graman and Walsh show readers how to open that door again — ten degrees at first, then wider and wider — until there is enough room to hold the man you have — the whole man, his good parts and his bad parts. When that happens, most men respond in kind, opening their hearts to you, treating you with tenderness and affection, anticipating your needs and keeping their promises. In short, the answer to having the love you desire is not in this book — or any book — or any other man; it’s in yourself, in your heart, which waits to be warmed and wakened. How to Be Cherished shows you how to access the love you want. Some of the secrets revealed in this practical guidebook and illustrated with the stories of real women overcoming the obstacles to lasting love are:
- Knowing your power. Like it or not, women control the relationship. It is within your power to change the direction things are going. Knowing you are powerful gives you confidence. And confidence is sexy. It’s your responsibility to build the relationship you want, and it’s within your power to do so.
- Owing your part. The most difficult words in the English language are, “I’m sorry.” But you have to say them. Forgive yourself first. Then forgive your man — or forget him. Which would you rather hold onto at night: your anger or your man?
- Are you upset about the same characteristics that attracted you to your man? Did you want someone gentle, but now complain he’s too meek? Did you want a man who could laugh, but now resent it when he laughs you off? Have you forgotten how much you hated being alone, how you told yourself you’d put up with just about any thing to avoid that — but now you’re tired of putting up with him?
- Put yourself in your man’s shoes. Put yourself in his heart. When he tries to give you what you want, do you criticize his fumbling efforts, or gently steer him in the right direction? If you feel unappreciated, chances are he does, too. The minute you start to appreciate him, he’ll reciprocate like ringing a bell.
- Learn from your man. He is simpler than you are, more lighthearted and less contemplative, more straightforward and less curvaceous, more impulsive and less thoughtful. There are things he can teach you about living in the present instead of dwelling on the past.
Intended for women in all stages of relationship, How to Be Cherished offers a new model for relationships by recognizing women’s intrinsic power (“women are far more powerful than they think”) and revealing the deep desire men have to please their partners (“he just wants to know how to make you happy”). “Your man wants you to feel good for two reasons,” explains Graman. “He knows his life is easier when you are happy. And when you feel happy he feels like a hero.”
How to Be Cherished offers insights on how to perk up an already good relationship, provides answers to specific problems, explains how to decide whether to leave or stay, and shows women how to recover from heartbreak and get ready for the next relationship. It also explains why a woman s incredibly powerful in her man’s life and can change her dissatisfied state.
Life has never been fair to women — but it’s not fair to men, either. When things aren’t going right between you and your man, instead of heading for the front door, try opening the door to your heart. You’ll need these skills in any long-term relationship, so you might want to start learning them now. And the learning has more pleasure than pain in it; the exercises in this book will help you warm your heart to your man again. Help your relationship go from lagging to luscious! It feels so good! It’s a relief, and helps you feel more confident and controlled so that, if you can’t reconcile with your man, you can still be happy with yourself.
Everyone likes to build and maintain intimate relationships but very few succeed in having that. The prime reason being human beings are so inconsistent and only few of us have the required staying power and tolerance to keep the relationship strong and going. We will discuss here seven ways to build strong, lasting friendships and stay close to loved ones.
Meet Your Wife's Need to Feel Cherished
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful princess held captive by an evil power. A strong and brave prince happened by and saw her plight. He was awestruck by her beauty, and saddened and angered by her captivity. With bravery, cunning, strength, and skill, he fought the evil force (at great peril to himself) and rescued her. Placing her upon his horse, he took her away to be his bride and live happily ever after. The princess in every girl and woman wants to be delighted in, pursued, fought for, and rescued -- in short, to be cherished.
Be her knight in shining armor. Treat her like a princess. Always speak to her kindly and respectfully. Care for her tenderly. Keep her safe. Admire her beauty. Tell her you love her at least once daily. Be all hers, and let her be your only romantic desire. Make sure that she is your number one priority in life -- ahead of your children, family, work, and friends -- and that she knows it.
They do not love that do not show their love. -- Shakespeare
Buy me a rose. Call me from work. Open a door for me. What could it hurt? Show me you love me by the look in your eyes. These are the little things I need most in my life. -- Kenny Rogers and Alison Krause, Buy Me A Rose
- Give her what she really wants. Once you have created a healthy friendship with your woman, take your relationship to the next level by giving her what she really wants -- to be your highest priority. Being your highest priority means that you have a sincere regard for her happiness, and you make her feelings more important than those of your friends, your mother, your co-worker, a stranger, etc. For a woman to be willing to 'do anything for you', she must see that you are willing to 'do anything for her'. She won't be willing to sacrifice her comfort for you unless she knows you understand her and will take care of her needs, even at personal sacrifice. Learn your part. She'll do hers.
- Need her. A woman needs to be needed by her man. You may have been a fully functional independent individual before she came into your life. Now, however, she needs you to need her. She won't feel like a complete woman until she knows that you do. Think of the many things that she does for you, how she supports you in difficult times, how she makes you a more complete person. Then open up and share these thoughts and feelings with her. She will feel closer to you for it. Learn to share your feelings, happy and sad, with her regularly. Let her know your hopes and dreams. Let her be happy with you in your accomplishments, and sad with you in your disappointments. You will both benefit.
- Be a true husband. She is your wife, the mother of your children. You chose her as the woman you would die for, the woman you would give your life to, the one who would be your best friend. You want the best for her. You want your best friend to have a husband who respects and admires her above all others, who is completely faithful to her, who would not carelessly hurt her, and who treats her like a queen. Be that husband. When your woman realizes that you are watching out for her (instead of yourself), then she can put down her defenses and her weapons and start watching out for you. Selfishness kills romance. A constant and fervent regard for her happiness helps romance grow. The least a woman needs and deserves from her husband is absolute fidelity and loyalty, and constant kindness and courtesy. Be responsible, pleasant, honest, patient, and careful with her feelings. Assume the best about her motives -- not the worst. Believe that she is a good person who wants to do right by you. Then make it a little easier for her to do so.
- Shower her with attention. Kids need it. Women do too. Although your feelings for your wife may help motivate you to mow the lawn or work long hours at your job, these actions can not substitute for personal attention. Daily positive personal attention shows that you cherish her. Sincerely compliment her daily. Sincerely express your appreciation for the big and little things she does. Do it daily. Tell her you love her -- tenderly, and often. Kiss her in public. As you shower her with attention, she, like a garden, she will blossom and give you delicious fruit.
- Shock and Awe. Catch her in the kitchen cleaning up or preparing a meal. Put your hands firmly on her hips, turn her around, kiss her tenderly, look her in the eyes, and say "I sure do love you. You are so precious to me. Thank you for being my girl."
- Be agreeable. In a successful marriage, according to the Gottman Institute, a wise husband, instead of stubbornly trying to hold his ground, will instead try to accommodate his wife in her desires. If his wife says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming that weekend, and I need your help getting ready," he is being foolish if he replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them." Women are naturally more accommodating than men, and in any given marriage, the wife probably expresses this virtue quite well. If the husband can learn to be generously accommodating also, a true partnership can develop.
- Fight for her, not against her. A woman wants to be rescued by her hero, not assaulted, verbally or otherwise, by him. Never put her down, even in a joking manner. Be on her side. Pull with her, not against her.
- Listen with your heart. Make sure that your wife can sense that you understand, or are truly trying to understand, what she thinks and feels, and that you respect her opinion, even though you may not agree with it. Respecting her opinion means not belittling it or dismissing it out of hand. Realize that while men tend to fight for their point of view, and place high value on winning a debate, women more often try to talk things through, empathize, and work towards mutual understanding. Even though you may win a debate with her by force of logic, you will have lost something more important if you make her feel unloved in the process. On the other hand, if she feels that you truly value her feelings and want to work with her, she will be much more likely to give your ideas a chance.
- Don't try to fix her feelings. If you think she is overreacting to some situation, never criticize her emotions. This will only make her feel defensive, misunderstood, and unloved. Instead, acknowledge the reality of her fear, pain, disappointment, or whatever feelings she has. Once you have acknowledged those feelings and shown understanding, she will be better able to leave the negative feelings behind.
- Give her a hand. Nothing makes a woman feel appreciated quite like her husband sweeping and mopping the kitchen floor for her, or regularly helping her with other tasks that seem to have become hers by default. Service produces feelings of love and appreciation in the giver as well as the receiver. If you are having a hard time feeling love for your lady, then sacrifice your time and energy for her. Your feelings will follow your actions.
- Tell her with gifts. She may be able to buy things for herself, but jewelry or other small gifts will mean much more to her if you have put thought and effort into selecting, buying, and presenting them to her. Throughout the animal kingdom and throughout the ages, males have won and re-won the hearts of females by presenting them with token gifts. A woman is hardwired that way. Just because it doesn't make sense to you, doesn't mean it won't work for you.
- Admire her physical beauty. A woman naturally likes having her body admired, at least by someone she trusts. A man naturally enjoys admiring feminine beauty. As you work together with your mate in finding occasions to genuinely admire her body, both of you will be rewarded with pleasure, mutual appreciation, and good will. Tell her with spoken words, a note, or a look, that her eyes are pretty, her figure is comely, etc.
- Get a clue from her. You can learn how to better cherish her by observing how she tries to cherish you. Does she leave little affectionate notes for you to find, call you just to talk, rub your shoulders, or buy you little gifts? She may be doing for you what she would really appreciate you doing for her. Try some of the ideas that you get from her this way, and see how they warm her heart.
The Secret to Making Your Man Feel Cherished - Five Keys to Connecting
You Hold His Heart In Your Hands.
Things are tough these days. It doesn't take a masters in economics to know that there is a dark shadow hanging over the men in our lives.
With women taking more and more of a role in the money making and financial contributions at home, men are struggling to know what we expect from them. There is a primal urge in men to be the protectors and defenders and the stark reality of our national money problems is really shaking things up.
What is a Soul Mate to do? Learning to MANIFY your man is critical to making him feel cherished, admired and respected. You are the one reading this article and it is you who can start a change in the atmosphere in your home.
Here are Five Keys To Connecting To Your Man. Your acceptance of him, especially when he is so uncertain about his role will reap huge rewards for you!
- Check Your Thoughts At The Door. Thinking about how he is letting you and the family down is not helping anything. Do a thought audit. Any thoughts that hold an opinion about what he is NOT doing need to be redirected. The easiest way to do this is to put "Even though" at the beginning of the thought and "I choose to love him anyway" at the end. For example:
"He won't ask for more hours and I hate that because if he did, we would have more money." Changes to: "Even though I hate it when he won't ask for more hours, I choose to love him anyway."
- Praise Him For What He Is Doing. Ladies, we must be creative. Your man wants to hear how proud you are of him. There are opportunities every day to let him know you appreciate what he is trying to do, ESPECIALLY when you are aware of what he is not doing. Even if it is something like, "Honey, I love how responsible you are about getting to work on time every day." or even "I am so impressed with how hard you work for us." He LOVES your sincere praise.
- Ask How You Can Support Him. He may say there is nothing you can do, and that is ok. He has his share of worries. Kindly asking "Is there anything I can do to support you right now?" may help him by opening his mind to asking you for help at a later time.
- Make Him His Favorite Meal. This is such a simple but profound way to show your man how important he is to you. The way to a man's heart IS his stomach and a warm meal prepared with love will always make him feel cherished.
- Invite Him To Have Sex With You. This may be a challenge for you, especially if you are feeling overwhelmed yourself. Sex is comforting to a man and MANIFIES him like nothing else. Once you are determined to make your man feel cherished and you follow the other steps to connect with him, you will find it much easier to open yourself to a loving encounter.
When you are committed to being a Soul Mate to your man, he will get it. He may not understand what you are doing but he will feel the change in your attitude and you will be amazed at the changes you will see in him!
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA