| || || | You saw a hot guy and the two of you have been dating for a couple of weeks now and having a great relationship so far. He’s good-looking, funny, and captivating, and eventually something around the great relationship doesn’t feel quite right. You indeed want this to work, because it’s been some time since you’ve dated anyone this long with an outlook of a lasting commitment and have a great relationship. But you still get a lot of significant unanswered questions as follows.
The places he goes on weekends.
You have observed from the first of your dating relationship that your man does not hang around on weekends or holidays. As a matter of fact, you do not see him too often on Friday nights, either. You have to question if he has a family out there somewhere, or any form of commitment elsewhere that is tied up to intervene with yours at any point. In reality, it is intervening already. Once you ask him how come he cannot come around on the weekend, he falters and stutters, but up to now, still bad alibis.
His family and friends.
After five months, you still haven’t encountered his parents, sister, or even his dog. He’s left you a dozen rationalities how come you can’t see his flat, none of them reasonable. You’d enjoy seeing his family-if he has, that is. Furthermore, it wouldn’t be an atrocious thought to be acquainted to his colleagues, neighbors, or friends. But up to now, none of that is occurring. There was one pal from college who was a great friend and passing over town and invited the two of you out for dinner, but that was it.
The kind of job he has.
Although he has imprecisely cited having an occupation somewhere, he doesn’t tell a lot about the job, the company, or his superiors. You don’t really recognize what he does or how much he makes. As a matter of fact, he’s often broke, which is why the two of you hang out at your apartment for pizza and TV instead of attending the movies or dinner.
If he will be serious to you or not.
This man deals life pretty easy. He doesn’t look to have any hassles or troubles, and he’s not particularly concerned in the future-with or without you. You’ve fallen under a somewhat foreseeable and virtually uninteresting dating pattern, and you’re curious if you could exist this way for the rest of your life even if things did get down serious.
If your man meets your needs.
Once you call for a shoulder to cry one, he pulls back a little, as if he’s not at ease with emotion. Once in a while you would like to dress up and leave, he’s quick to crawl in on a couch for a bit nap. He rarely displays more concern in your work, your family, or your hobbies. So what’s to love about him?
Her friends don’t talk to you
You may notice a change in how her friends act when you come around. In the past, they probably talked a mile a minute and you had trouble getting a word in edgewise, but now a strange hush falls over the group when you’re present. If your girlfriend has been talking to them about wanting to break up with you, they are going to distance themselves from you -- whether they realize they’re doing it or not. So when you walk into the room, instead of greeting you warmly, they’ll find themselves at a loss for words; it's a classic among breakup warning signs.
Once-mutual friends are now exclusively hers
This only applies if you get invited to events where her friends are in the first place. If she’s thinking about breaking up with you, she’ll probably stop inviting you along when she hangs out with her friends. They may have become mutual friends during your relationship, but when she wants to call it quits with you, they will become hers and hers alone once more. It's likely a subtle breakup warning sign if her response to you asking about her plans for tomorrow night is along the lines of; “I’m going to hang out with my friends.”
Her stuff starts disappearing from your place
You're used to seeing her toothbrush beside yours in the bathroom, random DVDs she has brought over on your shelves and that concert tee she loves to sleep in strewn on your floor, but lately these things seem to be gradually disappearing. You might be tempted to blame some of it on a spring cleaning spree, but once the feminine products vanish from your medicine cabinet, it should be clear that she's moving her stuff out of your place so she won’t have anything to go back for once she dumps you.
You don’t fight anymore
While fighting constantly may be a more obvious hint that the end of a relationship is near, not fighting at all might be a subtler sign that she’s ready to say goodbye. If the little things that normally drive her crazy and provoke a screaming match between the two of you are no longer happening, it could mean that she just doesn’t care anymore. It’s possible that she has lost all emotional investment in the relationship, so even if you try to get a rise out of her, she won’t take the bait. If she is uncharacteristically calm in situations that used to set her off, it might be a subtle breakup warning sign.
Whenever any of these, particularly in combinations of two or more, identify your great relationship, perhaps it’s time to move on. Unless you draw a confrontation and insist over matters to change, chances are they will not. And who would like to* force a person to pretend to like you, in any case? It could be time to give up and move on if your Romeo Is not displaying much enthusiasm into a great relationship.
Getting dumped -- it happens to the best of us and nothing feels worse. Losing love is hard enough but add rejection to the mix and it can be devastating. When you've been dumped it feels like your world is closing in to smother you and you wonder if you will ever feel happy again. The good news is "yes" one day you will feel happy again, you will love again and the loss will become nothing more than a life experience. But when you are in the middle of it, caught in those end days of a once blossoming relationship, it can feel like the confusion will never end.
Relationships don't just end. It doesn't play that one day you are part of a happy couple floating around blissopolis only to find that the next day you are flying solo and moving in to dumpsville. Like it or not you can always see a break up coming. There are always clues. When we sense a looming break up we often retreat in to denial and this is why actually being dumped seems like such a shock. But the reality is that anybody who is willing to look can see the writing on the wall long before the relationship actually ends. What kind of things signal that the relationship is coming to a close? Here are the 12 most common signs that the end is near.
Break ups can be harsh but they hurt less if you face facts rather than hide from the truth. Good luck!
- S/he is suddenly busy all the time, and never seems to have time to spend with you. When you find yourself becoming less and less of a time priority, even if the reasons for the distance seem logical, it is never a good thing.
- You find that only your fingers do any walking. If you are the only one who ever picks up the phone, especially if the phone calling used to be split pretty equally, break up bells should start ringing.
- When you call, more often than not you are asked to leave a message. Be it a parent, sib or friend, if somebody else always seems to answer the phone and take a message you are probably being screened, and we don't screen people we want to talk to!
- S/he says s/he is one place but is really another. People do not tend to lie for no reason, if s/he is not being honest about where s/he is or who s/he is with there is rarely a noble reason for the deception.
- You don't seem to connect anymore. Remember how when you were first getting together you would run into each other in unexpected places, like between classes or at the mall? If these "accidental" meetings become less common place it may be no accident at all.
- Her/his friends seem distant. When somebody wants out of a relationship they often let their friends in on the secret well ahead of time. If your steady's friends seem less friendly it is a good indicator that they know something you don't and that it probably isn't good.
- The lovin' is gone! When affection and PDAs (public displays of affection) start to dwindle it could mean the fire of love is also going out.
- S/he starts introducing you to new people as "a friend". If s/he is calling you a friend that is all s/he sees you as -- bottom line.
- You seem to be fighting a lot about little things. Lots of little fights often mean much bigger things are really at issue.
- Kissing and telling. Respect is a relationship essential, once it has been compromised the relationship often follows suit.
- You just can't seem to do ANYTHING right. Be it the style of your hair or the way you walk, if your steady suddenly finds fault with everything you do s/he is probably trying to push you away.
- You avoid any conversation that begins with "we have to talk" or "I don't know how to say this." If your steady is using these opening lines a break up speech usually follows. If you are avoiding conversations that start like this it is probably because you sense that a break up is near and think that if you avoid the talk it won't happen. You are wrong. If a person wants out of a relationship they will get out whether you let them tell you or not. Avoiding this talk is just prolonging the inevitable.
How to Prevent a Break Up
The question I am asked most often is: I think he/she is getting ready to leave me. What do I do? There isn't an easy answer for this or there wouldn’t be any break ups. Every situation is different and sometimes breakups are inevitable. However this is not always the case and there are things you can do before you reach the breaking point that will help.
Here are the 10 most important things:
- Communicate. Communication is important. If you find that when you try to communicate your feelings to your partner it always leads to an argument, try writing your feelings down. Read through what you’ve written. If you find things that are just petty problems with no real validity, eliminate them. Try to find the sources behind your words. For example, jealousy, are you jealous because you know he/she is cheating, or does it go deeper? Did someone cheat on you in the past and now you don’t trust anyone? Is your partner giving you what you need to feel secure? Once you realize where the feelings are coming from, you can address fixing the problem.
- Resist making accusations. Approach your partner calmly, without being defensive. Tell him/her the problem. Don’t be accusing or they will become defensive and yes, you will end up in an argument. If you find it’s easier to write it in a letter, then do so. Leave while they read it so you aren’t hovering over them, waiting for their reaction. Let them process what you have said. Again, do not be accusing. Tell them you want to make your relationship better. Have suggestions for BOTH of you, not just them. Be sure you know the core problem and aren’t just mentioning a symptom.
- Refrain from insulting your partner during arguments. Fighting dirty can quickly become a habit and eventually someone will say something that the other person cannot forget, or worse, forgive.
- Take time to tell your partner why you love him/her. Not once, but often. This can be something as small as a compliment on how they look. Your partner needs to know you appreciate them. Don’t just assume they know. Everyone likes to be reminded they are loved.
- Be supportive and look for ways to give your partner the things they need the most. Even if they don’t tell you what they need, you can figure it out if you pay attention. Some people have a hard time telling you what they need but there are clues. If you’re not sure, ask.
- Don’t neglect yourself. If your needs aren’t being met, find a way to let your partner know. If you are unhappy, you will eventually blame your partner. It’s much easier to let them know, in a positive way, the things you need.
- Never try to solve a problem when you are angry. Take time to cool down. I know this can seem impossible at times but think about it. Is anything ever really solved when you are yelling at each other?
- Set aside some time for just the two of you. If not once a week, then at least once a month. This should be quality, alone time, however you two choose to spend it. You might try arranging a specific day each week and take turns planning what you will do.
- Discuss decisions that affect the both of you and try to find a solution that will keep you both happy. Never make an important decision that affects you both without talking to your partner.
- Don’t Lie! Everyone lies occasionally. It’s in our nature. This isn’t an excuse to lie to your partner. Every time you are caught in a lie, a little more trust is taken away. A healthy relationship requires trust. Never ever lie about things important to the relationship. You’re better off facing the music if you’ve done something wrong then being caught in a lie.
- This won’t keep you together but it is important to mention. Know when it’s time to leave and make the break. Don’t let anyone use you or abuse you. Most problems can be worked out if both people in the relationship make an effort to improve things. There are some exceptions. It’s time to leave if the relationship becomes abusive. Do not hope things will get better because he/she says they will change. Leave! If at some future time they actually do change, you can consider getting back together then. Another deal breaker is infidelity. If your partner cheats on you, there is a good chance that even if you do stay together, the trust that keeps a relationship alive will be gone. I’m not saying you can’t survive it, but it will take a great deal of effort from both people and your partner will have to stop. Never give them more than one chance to do so or you will be setting yourself up for a very destructive emotional roller coaster. If your partner sees that it’s possible to cheat and you will keep forgiving, why would they change?
Illustration from Clyde Mendes column at MetroSexual LA