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If your wife doesn't show affection then you've definitely got some concerns in front of you. Very often this is the first sign of serious trouble in a marriage. But at other times it's just a phase. But how do you know which is which? Well hopefully we can make some headway with this article.
First of all I'm sorry you're dealing with this. Having problems with my marriage for years, I got to a point where I just didn't even expect affection. We don't want you to get to that point so we have to fix this ASAP.
So Should You Be Worried if Your Wife Doesn't Show Affection?
Well, it's definitely a concern, because like I said it was a significant thing in my marriage. But at the same time there's no need to totally and completely panic about this. It could mean a whole lot of different things.
First of all let's look at the situation that your marriage is in right now. How long has there been trouble in your marriage? Has it been years, or has this marriage trouble just started? Or has there never been trouble before, but she just stopped suddenly?
Usually when the latter happens men will jump to the conclusion that there wife is cheating on them and that they're giving that affection to someone else. This is a bad thing to assume right away, and making accusations of an affair can damage a marriage that really isn't even damaged at all. Unless you have solid proof don't ever accuse your wife of cheating.
This does nothing but push her away further. It's also truly insulting when your wife thinks that you don't respect and trust her enough to think that she can do this. Not a good idea.
So then what could be the reason?
Very often when something happens suddenly, like when your wife stops being affectionate, then there's a simple explanation for it. It may just take some digging to find out what it is. When I say digging, I mean simply asking and listening.
Maybe your wife is feeling a little self-conscious right now for some reason or another. Perhaps she gained some weight over the holidays. Could be as simple as that, or could be something a little more complex like she took something you said out of context. Maybe you made a comment about another woman that hit home with her and her own insecurities. Maybe you were checking out some other woman and she got a little insecure.
Could be something that simple!
If it's been an ongoing thing, then there's a good chance that your wife just doesn't feel like being intimate with you. If you've had a lot of arguing and fighting in the past then there's a chance that you've said things that you didn't mean, but still very much affects her, and results in an even more troubled marriage.
If it's been really bad then she just may be pretty much done with the marriage in her mind, and basically indifferent toward you altogether. Scary thought, but it happens. It happened in my marriage, and I had to look high and low to turn it around...and in a way where I had to turn it around all by myself. Not easy! But it was worth it because my troubled marriage is no longer troubled, and my wife and I are affectionate all over again for the last few years.
So if your wife doesn't show affection anymore, it's not necessarily the end of the marriage. In fact it may not even be close. But it may be an indication that it is, it's up to you to find out and fix whatever it is...even if it's by yourself.
Reasons Why Married Couples Grow Apart
When asked why their marriage is on the rocks, many couples often state that they have just grown apart. The reality of that statement just means the individuals no longer relate to or appreciate each other as they once did. This damage often occurs over a period of months or years and it is not even realized until it becomes a serious issue, which often escalates the marital problems even further.
It is the purpose of this article to expose some of the underlying reasons for "growing apart" with hopes that this knowledge can prevent the situations from happening.
Lack of communication. Every day life is moving at such a fast pace these days that it seems people are forgetting to "stop and smell the coffee" or rather stop and tell their spouse that they love them and appreciate them. Or even simpler than that, they forget to mention that they are cooking dinner on a certain night or are planning to mow the yard later. Saying those few words can lessen the stress of every day responsibilities and create a happier home and relationship.
Too much talking and not enough listening. Okay, so maybe people do say some of the little things above but your partner may be too busy to remember. This is why listening often plays a more important role than talking. I mean, what's the point of talking if no one is listening? The next time you and your spouse are talking, listen to what he or she is saying. If it happens to be, "Hey, I'm cooking dinner Thursday night," you can say something back like, "Great! What are we having?" The next most important step is remembering your plans! If your memory tends to fail you, write it down. A Post-It on your work surface or a note in you day planner will work fine; just as long as you see it daily so when Thursday afternoon comes, you'll know where you'll need to be in a few hours.
Lack of attention. This ties in with listening to your spouse. Sometimes people hear things and it "goes in one ear and out the other." But try this? if your spouse is telling you about a project either work related or something he or she is taking on personally, ask him or her about the progress a few days after hearing the news. Once the subject comes up enough, your spouse will want to tell you something new that they learned. Even if you have no interest or just no clue about the matter, you can still give him or her the attention they deserve. If you don't know what to say, a simple, "Wow; you learn something new everyday," or "I'm proud of you," will be sufficient. I'm sure a positive response is all the other person is looking for, especially if they know that you're not familiar with the topic.
Lack of affection. The type of affection mentioned here isn't necessarily pertaining to physical affection. If you're not really the "touchy-feely" type, compliments work just as well! If you haven't given one in a while, now is a great time to start. Take notice of a physical feature your spouse really likes about him or her self. Tell him or her how something they wear or a certain color really accentuates that feature. I'm sure he or she will be so happy you noticed that you'll at least get a hug or a smile out of the deal. I wouldn't advise complimenting on a feature that your spouse is self-conscious of because chances are, he or she will think you're just saying it to say it and that you really don't mean it. You can also compliment your loved one on how smart he or she is. This will be especially easy if they're knowledgeable in a certain area. Obviously they like that topic or they wouldn't study it so much. Tell him or her that you're impressed or amazed by the amount of information they know. It will not only boost the confidence of your spouse, but yourself and your marriage.
Lack of connection. Lately, with all the stress on individuality around us, we don't take the time to bond with our peers. This is especially true for a career oriented married couple. Both husband and wife work separately all day and when they come home, they're still in that individual mind-set. Your spouse is there to comfort and support you so depend on him or her a little. It will show that you're capable of taking care of yourself all day but still like his or her company to rely on after a rough day alone. Help each other out by sharing duties or trading duties that night. Yes, everyone gets tired but if you notice you have a little bit more energy than your spouse, pick up the slack for him or her that night. They will appreciate the deed and will or should return it another night when you are not feeling up to your end of the chores. Remember marriage is about two people joining lives. You may be separated all day but when you're together, you represent a two-person union that depends on itself to run smoothly.
It is the belief of this author that applying these suggestions on a daily basis will indeed help a troubled couple regain the closeness and magic their relationship once had. The results won't happen overnight but neither did the problems. Patience and understanding are key factors here but the benefits will far exceed the effort.
How to Help Your Spouse Through A Midlife Crisis?
When your spouse is going through a midlife crisis its tough to lead life happily without any hassles, but wouldn't you be better off trying to understand? A mid-life crisis is often called a second puberty in which an adult tries to recapture his or her youth by behaving much like a teenager. There are many reasons why this occurs in older adults, but here are a few tips on helping your spouse through a mid-life crisis.
Tips in helping your spouse in Midlife Crisis
While a midlife crisis can become dangerous and detrimental to your spouse's health, you'll be far better able to help them stay grounded if you participate in these new activities. Your spouse might be feeling self-conscious or worried about growing old without having accomplished important goals. If you make an effort to understand these feelings, you can both go through this together.
Lay stress on being positive - Your spouse wants to feel validated in his or her efforts to recapture youth, so focus on the positive aspects, such as an increased fervor for life. If your spouse wants to start running five times a day, look at it as a healthy endeavor rather than an attempt to be someone your spouse is not.
Initiate new hobbies - Your spouse may decide to take up golf or softball or horseback riding during a midlife crisis. Support these hobbies and, if possible, take part in them as well. Even if you don't have an interest, you should know that new activities will bring you and your spouse closer together.
Watch for mood swings - while there are many positive aspects of a midlife crisis, your spouse may experience the negative aspects, as well. Mood swings are common and may range from mild to overly severe. Watch for signs of depression, rage, resentment or despondency in your spouse and try to talk about it if you feel that things are going too far.
Provide reassurance - You aren't going to help your spouse at all through a midlife crisis if you ridicule and dismiss his or her feelings. Even if you think your spouse is crazy, muster the desire to offer reassurance and validation.
Make sure your spouse is taking breaks so they don’t feel overworked or stressed out. That could cause other symptoms of midlife crisis to become more prevalent.
Be open to learning more about yourself and your spouse. This will improve your relationship after the crisis has passed.
Emphasize the good. It’s always useful to stay positive and compliment them when possible. This will bolster their self-confidence and let them know that they are loved despite what they’re going through.
Pay close attention to your spouse's mood and behavior. Make sure they are not overloading themselves with work or other things. Take them for a medical check-up to ensure their overall well-being and health.
Lighten up. Spend time with others who look at the lighter side of life. Look for every opportunity to laugh with them and embrace it.
Don't ask the "why" questions. They demand explanations and accountings. Often the person in the midst of a midlife crisis doesn't know the answers. That is what adds so much fear and angst.
Don't start off with questions, share with sharing what you are seeing and experiencing, that you understand he must be struggling, and that you want to support him.
Focus on conveying that you are not demanding answers from him but that you want to understand what he is experiencing. Join him in being mystified and even curious about his disquiet.
Ask questions that open up and expand the issue. Listen - not just for what he is saying, but for what he is not saying. Listen to what is underneath what he is saying: the feelings, values, and fears.
First, a physical checkup is in order. For both male and female, the physical changes which occur in mid-life have a definite effect on behavior.
Fighting for Your Marriage: Positive Steps for Preventing Divorce and Preserving a Lasting Love
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