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It is an inherent question considered interesting by many people. I'll try to detail the most important moments that occur in the life of a couple and the needs we try to replace when we get involved in a relationship.
When you analyze a situation that caused sufferance for a couple, family or even people, there is always a certain tension; there is an inherent issue that appears by itself: it always comes about the best time of the couple, the moments when they met and the time when they were truly together. I think that the analysis of those situations can give us some references about what it means to be with someone. And in these moments occurs a fact: there isn't only a state of happiness, because in the background, the sufferance will be always present.
Being with someone is based on pleasure, but also on deprivation. The idea of deprivation is important in developing a relationship. The attraction for the other and the love for him involve implicitly, the deprivation. This 'lack' doesn't necessarily occur in moments of solitude. Being with someone means that he is already capable to receive this 'lack', to integrate it and understand it. But in order for the other to be able to do this, it's necessary that you feel able to manage the "lack".
The most difficult moments in a relationship, when occurs the inability of both partners to manage this 'lack', are those in which appears a need to continue the existence of the partner in a physical way. The other must be physically next to you, because, otherwise, it won't be possible for you to feel well. These moments are difficult because you assume your inability to be with yourself. In these situations, the other is missing and you want without realizing, to be affected by what is in you.
These circumstances lead to jealousy, which represents the inability to be alone, to be with your 'lack', with your anxiety, your old traumas, your own sufferance, and the other has the capacity to own it. In the absence of the owner, the sufferance occurs. Many of these situations produce a saturation effect on the relationship, as the partner won't have the ability to support a state of permanent presence, so he will leave, ending the relationship (at real or imaginary level).
I chose the term 'lack' because it is the one that responds to several situations - a lack of something - either a physical one (difference between genders), either the lack of a state originated in childhood, or a lack of relationships with parents, or a lack reflected in anxiety, with origins in the family history, or a lack marked by desire.
This makes the other -the couple partner- to be very different from any other social relation. You feel the need to fulfill that 'lack' by the presence of your partner. You think that after being with him, after succeeding to have a relationship, you won't feel deprived anymore. But this is not possible, because the 'lack' is felt by your partner and nothing will be the same as before, even if you feel now that it is possible.
The beginning of a relationship is based on the illusion that the lack will be satisfied. If you take each couple at the beginning of the relationship you'll notice this, a great investment in the other and the fact that this investment gives a hope: "from now on, this will never happen, everything will be different in my life", seem to say those two. But this implies that there are different states, feelings, desires that are not satisfied, that reflect these lacks. As more as the other's reality becomes more visible and the couple realizes different experiences for real, as more the illusion will disappear, being replaced by the couple itself.
It is said that a relationship based on interest is more durable than one of love. From this perspective, it seems that the couple leaves from the start without the illusion of the absence, and that their marriage is not based on the idea that the other can replace the 'lack'. In other words, there is a risk of disillusion, but, on the other hand, they will be deprived by the pleasure of illusion.
The couples who resist are those who will to support the deception of filling the lack. But the solution that really exists is the acceptance of their 'lack'. The therapeutic approach is one in which this lack is expressed by words, understood, taken as it is, whatever it is.
Just Brain Chemistry
Have you ever wondered how to help keep her fulfilled? Maintaining a healthy balance of oxytocin will help her feel more fulfilled. There are simple ways you can help raise her oxytocin. I will talk about simple ways to change the way you ask a question that will make her feel more fulfilled, a simple little gesture that could change the way her whole day has gone and make you a true hero in her eyes, and planning for an occasion and how to make that occasion special for no reason except to fulfill her in every way.
The Way You Ask a Question
When asking the question "how was your day", that is a general question. But when you make the question specific such as "how was your lunch with Carol", this lets her know that your remembered something about her day, and that you care enough to ask about it. She is going to be very happy. Her oxytocin level will rise. Oxytocin is the hormone of love and bonding, which gives women a glowing feeling of bliss. When she feels this strongly, she will love everything about you.
She will feel fulfilled that her partner is so in touch with her. She may also feel fulfilled in that you took the time to listen to her. You remembered that she had a lunch date. You noted who it was with, and now you are concerned enough to ask her about it. Now all you have to do is listen while her oxytocin rises.
A Simple Gesture to Change Her Whole Day and Make You a Hero
Hugs with no expectations are huge in most women's world. This means you just hug for the simple fact of giving her a hug. It will make her oxytocin rise just to cuddle for a moment. She will feel more attracted to you as her oxytocin rises. But remember let this hug just be a hug. Keep that oxytocin level up.
This can be done several times a day. Unexpected ones are always the best. But most women will say they would take a simple hug any way they can get it. It is very reassuring to a woman to be held or cuddled. It is comforting in many ways. So be her hero, her knight in shining armor. Give her a few hugs everyday to keep her oxytocin level at a healthy level and keep her feeling fulfilled.
Planning for an Occasion to Fulfill Her
When planning for that night out or a little get away, make it worth your time. Dinner out is always nice, but not near as nice as if you have made reservations or picked her favorite place and brought her favorite flower. Make thoughtful little additions to the plans you are already making. She will love that you have taken the time to think of her and made her feel so special even if it is not a special occasion.
Also, if planning a vacation or a little getaway, make those arrangements for the two of you to have something intimate that she will enjoy. For example if you are going hiking, sneak a special picnic into your hike. If you are planning a getaway, call ahead and make arrangements for double spa treatments. If you are going golfing and she is coming along to be with you in your spare time, arrange for her to have a wonderful massage or facial and then plan an intimate evening together making the time spent together that much more memorable.
Make sure to think through what she enjoys and what little things you could simply add too the plans you already have. She will be full of oxytocin because of how well you keep her fulfilled.
Having a Long-Lasting Fulfilling Relationship
Love is in fact older than Science or philosophy, and is it so intricate and so delicate in its nature that neither cold-blooded scientific scrutiny nor attempts at philosophical analysis can entirely disclose its nature, significance, heights, depths or time limits.
Genuine love is more than sentiment, more than respect, more than good-will, more than admiration - more than all of them combined.
According to Dr Rob Biltion of the Life Management Centre in Canada, relationship is a "mutual filling of needs." This is a very good and useful definition to remember, and it'll come in handy one day.
To keep your relationship or marriage long lasting, accept that there will be a period in your life with your partner; there will be times when your partner does not need you as often as it used to be.
Many people tend to believe that everything should stay the same and everything should be the same. Nothing stays the same in this world. Things change. It is how you cope with the change that will help you to keep your relationship healthy, fulfilling, and long lasting.
Anyone in a relationship is going to face its Ups and Downs. We are human after all. No one can escape from it. No one person can go through a relationship with no Ups and Downs, that will be too boring, and there is no reason to stay in such a monotonous relationship.
What is the secret to a long lasting, healthy and fulfilling relationship?
It is the HABIT of constantly explaining to yourself that all the good will come to you and your partner in your relationship - every single MOMENTS, every single SECONDS.
This is exactly the secret all successful people know, but find it hard explaining.
It is indeed very useful to learn all you can about human nature and human relationships.
Very often, there is really nothing wrong with you if you face a relationship crisis. You just need to learn to rise above the seemingly relationship problem and look at the big picture. Know the truth of relationship and love, arm with the knowledge why you think and behave the way you do and why your partner think and behave the way he or she does and you can set yourself free.
Next issue, I'll tell you the factors that are going to determine whether your relationship is heading for a failure right from the beginning and what are the strategies you should adopt so that you can keep your relationship long lasting.
How Do I Fix My Relationship Before It's Too Late? A relationship can be a fragile thing, especially one that has been on a decline. You can ask, "how do I fix my relationship?" and get ten different answers. Much depends on what the main issues are that are causing these problems. Here, you can find out about the most basic relationship fixes, which may help you rebuild the bond you once shared. Stop Creating Rifts and Start Building Bridges Over time, the same arguments and problems can come between you and your former lover. You must stop the rifts now and start building bridges! Make sure your significant other knows he or she can come to you and talk about anything, even if they are worried about how it might make you feel. Once you can communicate openly, you can start to fill in those rifts and smooth out your relationship. Dividing up Time "How do I fix my relationship when I have no time!" Between work and life commitments, fairly dividing up your time can be difficult. Make sure you are not neglecting your lover. Set aside quality time to spend doing something you both enjoy. This should be a fun time that you both look forward to. If you share a hobby or interest, build your bond stronger by enjoying it together! Neglecting each other will only create tension and weaken the bond you share. If you don't have enough time to spend some of it with your lover, then perhaps you do not have enough time for a relationship! Leave Just a Hint of Mystery Having some "me" time is just as important as spending time with your lover. However, you should leave just a hint of mystery in your life. No, I am not saying hide things from your lover. Instead, enjoy things that maybe only you enjoy. This time apart gives you a chance to miss each other, and it helps you maintain your personal identity, reminding you that you are an individual and not just one half of a couple!