Going through a breakup? Heartbroken and don't know what to do? Well sit back and get ready to learn the secrets to winning back an ex. The good news is that you can fix any breakup as long as you make the right moves in the right order...and more importantly avoid making the wrong ones.
So how do I win back my ex-boyfriend?
No matter how long you've been apart or what the circumstances of your breakup might be, there's always one answer to that question: you've got to make your ex want you back. It's just that simple. Nothing you can do or say will win your boyfriend back until the golden moment arrives where he physically and emotionally wants to rekindle your relationship. This is your ultimate goal - getting him to this point.
Arriving at that moment is the hard part. It takes time, patience, and many individual steps. Some of these steps can be tricky, and you'll need to tread very carefully to avoid making the wrong moves and bad decisions that will destroy any chance of a reunion. Making just one big mistake during the reconciliation process could undo weeks of repair, and there's always the chance you might lose him forever. Getting back with an ex requires you to be extremely cautious with what you do, what you say, and exactly how you act around him post-breakup.
Step 1: Accept Your Break Up At Face Value
They say that one of the first stages of grief is denial, and that couldn't be more true for the break up of a relationship. Being separated from someone you love can be extremely hard, and if the breakup was initiated by your boyfriend it only makes it ten times harder.
For many women, outright denial is the first response to being dumped. When the impact of being broken up with first wears off, your initial impulse is to convince yourself that everything is okay. You've had fights before, right? Surely this is just another big argument. It'll blow over, and in a day or so everything will be back to normal. At least, that's what you tell yourself.
Eventually though, you'll need to come to terms with the fact that your relationship - at least as you know it - has finally ended. Whether that realization comes sooner or later is entirely up to you. While you may think delaying the inevitable might help ease you into the pain, it only serves to make you feel even more lost during this crucial phase. Even worse, this is one of your most vulnerable time periods for you. While you're still in denial about the end of the relationship, you could be making big mistakes in how you deal with your ex-boyfriend. These could cause further damage, hindering any attempt you might want to make at a reconciliation later on down the line.
But How Will Accepting My Breakup Help Me Get Him Back?
Easy there, take it slow. While your ultimate goal might be getting back together, you can't really do anything until the break up resolves. If you're reading this, chances are this isn't a simple "let's have a break" type of situation. Most likely, you and your boyfriend are fully broken up.
As much as it might hurt, think of your relationship as a home... and your breakup as the fire that burned it down. You cannot build a new home until you tear down the broken foundation of the first one. Likewise, you'll never be able to start a new relationship with your ex-boyfriend until you tear down the charred remains of your first one. This is acceptance.
From a Man's Perspective
There's nothing worse than breaking up with a girl and then having her not accept it. Having a girl still call you and require you to explain the break up again and again is a big turnoff, and a huge sign of desperation. This call comes in many disguises: "I forgot something at your house", or "I just wanted to tell you something", or (even worse) "I need to know whyalways know exactly why you're calling. Refusing to accept when it's over is a big sign of weakness, you broke up with me". Take it from me - we guys never buy it, no matter what you say.
The moral of the story here: don't push for answers. Don't try to convince yourself that you need some 'other' explanation, or that your ex hasn't given you a good enough reason to break off the relationship. You can't save it because it already happened. There's nothing more to take away from the situation other than one cold hard fact: the two of you are no longer a couple. Period, end of story.
Silence is Golden - Time To Reflect
Once you've accepted your breakup, try to consider why you broke up in the first place. Was it for a stupid reason? A big fight? Usually that's the case. But such a blowout is also usually just an excuse... nothing more than a scratch on the surface of a much larger problem. After all, there must be a bigger reason you're no longer together, right?
Let's hope so, because that's what you'll be aiming to fix. Learning how to get back an ex-boyfriend won't help one bit if you can't keep him once you get back together. This is a good time for reflection. Try to look beneath that stupid fight and see the underlying reasons why one or both of you are unhappy. Be honest with yourself. Now's not the time to work on this - not yet, anyway - but while the breakup is fresh you need to tuck these reasons in the back of your mind for later on.
Some Inspiration to Cheer You Up
At this point it's common to feel confused, hurt and depressed. When a relationship ends unwantingly, people tend to feel lost and hopeless. Being alone can also be some of the worst times for you, which is why it's sometimes best to concentrate on the positive. Although you're accepting your break up right now, that doesn't mean you can't look ahead to your goal of winning back your ex-boyfriend.
Take a Giant Step Back
This is the hard part, but you really need to give yourself a little distance. This doesn't mean you should withdraw completely, curl into a ball, and go crying off in the corner of your room. In fact, it helps more to do just the opposite. If you have a trip planned, see if you can move it up. If you've wanted to start a project, maybe now's a good time. Keeping yourself as busy as possible in the hours and days after the break-up is one of the best things you can do - for both you and for him - and it's also a critical indication of how you'll handle yourself later on.
Sure, you're going to think about him every chance you get. He's going to creep into your mind no matter what you do. Everywhere you go will remind you of him, and every song that plays on the radio will be about the two of you. This is routine, so roll with it. Accepting a breakup without protest is almost like going through drug or alcohol withdrawal - in fact, you'll even experience very much the same type of symptoms. But stick it out. If you're looking to win him back, it's the only road to take right now. Any other road only leads to disaster.
Step 2: Disappear For a While... Completely
One of the toughest things to do after a breakup is to stop all contact with your ex. You've spoken to or seen each other every day for the last several months, maybe even years. It might seem unnatural to drop off contact completely - especially if he was a friend before you became lovers. You might also have gotten the dreaded "let's be friends" speech, which we'll get to a little later.
Disappearing from your boyfriend's radar may be physically hard also, especially if you travel in the same social circles. You might see him at school, or at work, with friends, or even in the neighborhood. In cases like this where incidental contact is inevitable, you'll need to limit that contact to a simple 'hi' and 'bye' - especially in the beginning. This might be easier than you think, because if your boyfriend dumped you he's going to feel awkward seeing you anyway.
Can't I Call Just To See How He's Doing?
Calling your ex just after a breakup is one of the worst things you can do. Even if you've accepted the situation, there's still a part of you that wants him back. That part is screaming for contact - you want to know what he's doing, who he's with, how long he's with them, and when he's going to be home. These are things you took for granted all through the relationship as the two of you shared your daily events with each other.
Now however, you must put yourself in a totally different frame of mind. You need to realize you're not entitled to that information anymore. As hard as it is to swallow, your ex-boyfriend's daily schedule is now his business, and his business alone.
That's only part of the reason why you can't call him. The other reason is more important: how he views you. Some of the most important moments in your breakup occur in the hours and days after he tells you it's over. No matter how long you've been dating, your ex-boyfriend is going to expect you to call. Ego is a big part of any man's psyche - whether he tried to let you down easy or whether hurtful words were exchanged between the both of you, your ex is going to expect - and even want - you to call him. But not for the reasons you think.
From a Man's Perspective
A girl will always call you after the breakup. Usually it's because she thinks of something she didn't say, and wants to get it out. Or she'll call with a more feeble excuse, like asking when she can come over to pick up the CD's she left at your house. Either way, the call always turns into one of two things: anger or crying. Sometimes both. The girl's been sitting at home thinking of new ways to answer arguments that you had, and this always escalates into another fight. Or she's been going over the relationship in her mind, and starts sobbing to you about old times.
Either way it sucks. We broke up already... I don't want to fight anymore. And the last thing I want is to feel guilty about the great times we had - especially if I'd like to keep remembering them in a happy way. The post-breakup call is always bad news.
But I Have a Legitimate Reason For Needing to Call Him!
No, you don't. Really. Getting your hands on those CD's isn't worth damaging any chance you have at getting back together with your ex. While some quick contact may seem innocent, it's not. You've only convinced yourself that it is. You don't need 'closure' or 'answers' or any of that stuff. And if you eventually want to win him back, those things are meaningless anyway. Really try to understand this.
What About Email? Text-Messaging? IM-ing Him?
Hell no. These things are even worse than making a phone call. Without any kind of vocal inflection behind these messages, anything and everything you say will be misconstrued. Remember: your ex is expecting all this stuff. He's going to take any contact you make with him as a sign of weakness. You could send the most innocent message, it doesn't matter. To him, you want to get back together. He's sitting there with his friends, telling them 'Oh boy', you just texted him again. Sometimes girls just don't know when to take a hint, right? Right.
Don't be that girl. By dropping off your ex-boyfriend's radar, you're placing your foot on the first stepping stone of the path that leads you back together. Envision it in your mind. The clearer you can see it, the stronger you'll be. Close your eyes and picture your boyfriend checking his phone, looking for a message or a missed call... and finding nothing. Feels good, right? Go with it. Doing nothing is the single most important thing you can do right now (bet you never thought you'd hear that sentence!)
From a Man's Perspective
If a girl doesn't call after the breakup, I'm wondering where she is. She must be up to something else, or with her family, or maybe out with her friends. Eventually though, she will call. The call always comes.
See that? This is what goes through a guy's head after he breaks up with you and doesn't get any sort of contact. He refuses to believe you're not calling him without a good reason. His ego won't let him. His ego needs you to call, because the very act of you calling him justifies that you need him more than he needs you. This is exactly what he wants! Because the worst-case scenario for him is just the opposite: that maybe you didn't really need him at all. Maybe you're going on just fine without him. No matter what type of guy you were dating, that's pretty scary to him.
This scenario, if you can pull it off, sends the first small tremors of doubt through your ex's decision process. Suddenly he's re-thinking the breakup. Is he ready to run back into your arms? Probably not by a long shot. But he is questioning why you seem to be fine without him. And he's definitely a little weirded out that you haven't called. And if he'd planned on using a safety net for your breakup... in his mind, a few of the ropes just snapped.
Ways to Avoid Contact - ex-boyfriend Replacement Therapy
There are lots of great ways to avoid contact with your ex, but the best ones include not being alone. Going out and doing the things you love will keep your mind busy with other things, and seeing old friends is an even better distraction. When spending time with people, try to avoid talking about the break up. While you might feel good opening up to someone about it, you're leaving yourself open to heartache later on, at night, when you're alone again.
Step 3: Tearing Down The Breakup Safety Net
Believe it or not, when a man breaks up with you he's not always so sure of himself. Immediately after the breakup, he looks for signs that he's doing the right thing - or more importantly, the safe thing. He wants to see that you'll still be around, just in case he decides he wants you back. So does this mean you should make yourself available for him? No way. In fact, just the opposite is true. If a man sees you hanging around waiting for him to undo the breakup, it gives him the cool confidence needed to continue on his own way.
Many women don't understand this principal, but the reasoning behind it is simple: knowing you're still there is a nice fat juicy safety net for him. He's free to do whatever he wants, go where he wants, even see or date who he wants... and if it doesn't work out? There you are, exactly in the same spot he left you. He can come along and pick you up and move right on as if nothing happened. Congratulations, you're back together again. But is this what you want?
No. Not on those terms.
As long as a man has a safety net, he's always going to do whatever he wants. And sometimes, as bad as it is, that also includes whomever he wants. Sitting around waiting for your ex to repair your breakup is something you never want to do - not until he wants you back for good.
Only by removing his relationship safety net can you give him a taste of what life will be like without you. If this scares him (and believe me it will) he's going to be a lot less apt to go out and date other people. He's going to be wondering where you are, what you're doing, and why you haven't called him yet. He's going to play it a lot safer, while he wants around for your reaction. And when he doesn't get it, he'll get even more worried. This is the stage where your ex will most likely try to contact you.
What If He Says He Still Want To Be Friends?
Your ex-boyfriend breaking up with you and telling you he still wants to "remain friends" is the biggest line of bullshit going. Sorry, but it's the truth. Chances are your boyfriend has more than enough friends. It doesn't matter what he says, how he phrases it, or how he tries to make it sound like a good idea... because it never is. It also doesn't matter if you think you can 'handle it'. After all the times you've slept together, you're deluding yourself if you think you're going to just start suddenly 'hanging out' as friends without it eventually turning into something physical.
From a Man's Perspective
I always tell ex-girlfriends "let's be friends" - no matter what. It's the best way to let the situation down more easily. Some girls get really upset at the thought of never seeing you again. The 'friends' speech is a good way of avoiding that, so I say it in almost every case.
The other good part about "let's be friends" is that it keeps the door open for future sex. When you're friends, you get to stay in touch. You can contact the girl as often as you want to, but at the same time you don't have the pressure of having to answer to her as a girlfriend. This is the ideal situation. When one of us is lonely, we pick up the phone.
Let's be friends is either a blow-off, or a set up for a future booty call. If you're looking for this kind of thing, great. But if you want a serious long term relationship, then being friends is the last thing you want. You want your ex back. The way you were before, when you were together as a couple... not as some pseudo half-assed relationship.
Still Not Convinced? Think about dating someone. Now think about your man chumming around with one of his ex-girlfriends. "Oh hey, honey? This is my friend, Jennifer." Not very appealing, is it? As logical as being friends seems, it's just not feasible. Imagine how you'd feel if you remained friends with your ex and he started dating someone new (and then telling you all about her). Now imagine how you'd feel when he came to dump you again - this time as a friend - because his new girlfriend doesn't want him hanging around with you anymore.
Okay, I Get It... So Now What Do I Do?
You've accepted the breakup, and you've laid low for a while. The next thing to do is to remove that safety net your ex-boyfriend might be banking on. You do this passively, not actively. In your mind's eye, convince yourself of one important thing: that you're not accepting anything less than a full exclusive relationship.
This will prepare you for when he calls, and that time is coming soon. If you haven't talked to him, emailed him, texted him, or any of that crap... there's a very good chance a call is coming your way. The shoe's on the other foot now, and he's going to be the one who'll have to come up with some feeble excuse to talk to you. Maybe he left some CD's at your house. Maybe he wants to give you something back that you left at his own home. Either way, he's going to start the conversation off with something innocent and noncommittal.
First Contact After the Breakup - How to Handle It
The first time your boyfriend gets in touch with you after the break up, it's extremely important that you handle it correctly. One wrong move or bad phrase and you're going to totally blow it. Below are some of the biggest rules for handling the post-breakup phone call, so be sure to know them:
Keep it simple, casual, and quick. You don't want to spend more than 2 or 3 minutes on the first phone call, tops.
If he pushes for more time, tell him politely that you're about to go out. If he wants to still talk, tell him you'll call him back later (or tomorrow if it's late).
Do NOT be combative - no matter what happens. If he begins to talk about the break up, let him speak. Don't say much of anything here. Remember, you're keeping this call short.
Do NOT sound excited to hear from him... but don't sound miserable either. You want to sound as if he interrupted you while you were doing something else. Seeming preoccupied on the phone isn't easy, but one good trick is to eat something. Eat an apple or grab some other piece of fruit. It may sound silly, but the fact that you're snacking while talking to him makes you come off as casual and nonchalant, while at the same time it'll take your mind off sounding too happy, sad, angry, exhilarated, or whatever else you may be feeling.
If he asks what you've been doing, let him know. If you've been out with friends or family, tell him. If you've been studying or working, tell him that too. Don't get too much into the details about any one thing, even if you have something exciting to tell him. Remember: quick and casual.
If he asks how you've been doing, tell him you're doing good. No need to elaborate further on that, let him wonder what it means.
After The Call - Sowing the Seeds of Doubt
Once you hang up with your ex, do exactly what you said you'd do: go out. It doesn't matter where you go, just get out for a while. It'll feel good to do so, and it'll remove any temptation to pick up the phone in case he calls back again.
If pulled off correctly, the first contact phone call can be another huge step toward getting back with your ex. On his end, he should feel slightly put-off and probably even a little confused. He might think you're being somewhat distant. All of these are good signs. You've just snapped a few strings on his safety net.
At this point he's wondering why you haven't called him (which you better not have done!) and he's wondering what types of things you've been up to without him. Most of all, he's wondering where you have to go tonight. If you're lucky, maybe he's even a little jealous. Since the break up, he's certainly been thinking about you, if only for a little bit. But in his own mind, he'll start wondering if you're even thinking about him at all.
And this is exactly what you want.
Step 4: Having a Great Time Without Your Ex
After a breakup it helps to keep yourself busy with friends, family, hobbies and such. Pre-occupying yourself with other things helps keep your mind off your ex and also helps you resist the temptation to call or contact him. That's all good, but perhaps the greatest thing you can do to help your situation is even more simple: have a great time without him.
No matter where you go or what you do, make sure you surround yourself with fun things and great times. Getting together with a girlfriend is great, but gathering large groups of friends and going out is an even better idea. The group dynamic generates a lot more fun, and the chances of going out somewhere interesting are a lot greater. It's also harder to talk about your ex in a group than it would be, say, if you and a girlfriend just stayed in and rented a movie.
Going out and having fun with friends is one of the best ways to let your ex-boyfriend know that your life is going on without him. Time didn't stop because he broke up with you. Suddenly he sees you smiling and laughing with other people, and no matter how or why your relationship ended he's going to feel that all-important emotion: jealousy. This is going to be one of the big things that'll be instrumental in getting him back.
Seeing you smile and laugh will reflect images of your own relationship in his mind. Instantly he'll start thinking about the times the two of you had together. He always liked to think he was responsible for that fun. But now you're out laughing and having fun without him, which in turn makes him question your need for him. This is a big kick to male ego, no matter what the circumstances that ended your relationship might be.
From a Man's Perspective
There's nothing more attractive than a girl who's got things going on around her. Guys are social; we're driven by people who are fun and active, which is why we get along so well with other guys. Girls who have go out, have lots of friends, enjoy hobbies or play sports - we can relate to these things so much better than a girl who sits at home, stays in, and waits for the guy to provide all the fun.
Then there are girls who sit around waiting for you call, waiting for you to decide what you'll be doing that weekend. They become dependent on you to have a good time. It sucks, because eventually you feel guilty going out with your own friends and leaving your girl home alone. It's like you're responsible for her being entertained all the time. Seeing a girl like that, it just becomes too much work.
Should I Include Other Guys When I Go Out, To Make Him More Jealous?
Now you're thinking too much. One of the big things I advocate in this guide is the elimination of all the game-playing that often goes on during a relationship. If you want a serious, long-term relationship when you get back an ex-boyfriend, you'll need to learn to stop playing these little high-school games. Guys hate games.
We're not half as complex as you make us out to be. When we say something we generally mean what we say, and it's not very often that we mask our feelings behind saying something else. Keep this in mind, because the less psychological and sociological games you play while dating your man, the stronger, closer, and more open the two of you will become. Game-playing is always a really big turn-off.
In short, include anyone you want when going out to have fun. Guys or girls, it doesn't matter. The best revenge is living well - if these are your friends, go out and have the best time possible with all of them. Steering clear of 'guys' in general because you don't want to make your ex-boyfriend jealous is silly.
However, cuddling up and flirting with someone else in hopes word of it will get back to your ex is equally silly. While it may seem like an innocent tactic in the war to win him back, what you're really doing is damaging his opinion of you. He's going to feel jealousy, sure, but not the type of jealously you'll want him to be feeling. Your ex will consider this a rebound move designed to hurt him (which it effectively is), and resentment will follow.
If he resents you enough he could even write you off, or even worse, decide to pursue someone else out of spite. No guy is going to come back to you simply because you're out 'seeing' other guys... and if he does, well, then you've strong-armed him back into a relationship he really didn't want in the first place. Remember that your biggest, most important goal here is that you need to make him want you back. That's the key. Scaring your ex into wanting you back is a very poor tactic, and one that's sure to backfire. It'll only lead to another breakup not too far down the line.
Men Are Simple. . . But We Do Have Buttons That Can Be Pushed
As I've said before, men are pretty uncomplicated in general. But at the same time, we don't often know what we want until we see or feel it. There are some neat little tricks you can use to push on your ex-boyfriend's emotional "hot buttons" that will help in winning him back.
So How Will He Know When I'm Out Having Fun?
He'll know. No matter what type of guy he is, an ex-boyfriend will always examine the immediate actions of the girl he just dumped. If you could ask him why, he'd tell you it's because he wants to 'make sure you're alright' (this is what he'll tell his friends too, when he casually asks if any of them know what you've been up to). But what he's really looking for is to see you at home, sullen and miserable. Crazy, right?
No, your ex isn't some sick puppy who wants to see you cry. It's his ego needing to see that any girl would be crazy not to be sad without him. His ego wants to build him up, keep him strong, let him know he made the right call. But when his ego realizes you're not home sulking - that you're out, about, and having a great time without him - that's when those good jealous feelings will begin creeping around in the pit of his stomach.
If I Run Into My Ex While I'm Out... What Do I Say To Him?
Say hello! It's really that simple. Smile, nod, and be polite. Hopefully your friends will usher you off to whatever you're doing next, so there should be no long or awkward conversations. He'll probably ask how you're doing, what you've been up to, etc. Try not to feel uncomfortable, but if you do, it helps to remember he's probably feeling just as awkward. Keep the conversation short and casual, and then go on with the rest of your night. Don't lose your smile or your sense of happiness - you want him to think you're having a great time without him (which you are!)
If you can accomplish having fun without your ex, you're well on the way to getting him back. Nothing throws a guy for more of a loop than seeing his ex-girlfriend out laughing, playing, and having a great time without him.
Who is this girl? Why is she so happy without me?
As he awkwardly tries to act cool and collected, these are the thoughts floating through his head. He'll even begin questioning the breakup, which is precisely what you want him to do. He'll start wondering if he let a good thing go. He'll also start realizing that a girl as cute, fun, and happy as you isn't going to stay single for very long. This cuts away the last remnants of his breakup safety net. And then you have him exactly where you want him.
Step 5: Reestablishing The Connection Between You and Your Ex-Boyfriend
Okay, it's time to start talking about exactly how to get your ex boyfriend back. If you've followed this guide closely, you should already be in a very dominant position. You've accepted the break, disconnected from your ex, kept your chin up, and gone out for some fun. So now what?
Reconnecting with your ex is an extremely tricky process, and you're going to need to handle it very carefully. Talking to him is easy - you know where he is and how to access him. He's probably even already called you. But knowing the right things to say, and when to say them, is the hardest part of getting back on the path to reconciliation. Do or say the wrong thing, and you very well might end up trapped in the dreaded 'friend zone'.
At this point, you'll want to make yourself a little more available if he wants to talk. But not too available. You don't want to play phone games or hard to get, but you don't want to be waiting around for his call either. Keep on doing what you're doing, going on with your daily routine, seeing your friends and keeping busy. But also keep an ear out for any indication that your ex-boyfriend is looking to contact you. Because when this happens, you'll need to be ready with all the right moves.
Take It Slow and Keep It Light
When your ex-boyfriend does call, you'll need to avoid making the #1 biggest mistake that most women will make: getting too excited. It's very easy to get a way overjoyed when that call comes. You have deep feelings for this man, feelings you've been keeping in check for days and weeks now. If you're not careful, you'll accidentally pour those feelings out all at once, right there on the phone.
Jumping the gun like this could scare the shit out of your ex. Even worse, you could look or sound pretty desperate. If you blow it, you'll be undoing all the hard work you've accomplished up to this point. Stay calm and collected - you don't even know why he's calling yet. Just as with every other step, it's always best to take it slow.
From a Man's Perspective
If I want to get back together with a girl, the easiest way is to tell her I miss her. I'll tell her I've been thinking about her, and ask if she's been thinking about me. Once we both admit that we have, it's easier to fall back into the same routine. It's old times again. It's comfortable.
Once you get a call like this, you might think your work is done. Maybe you'll think you can handle it from here. You can picture the two of you expressing love for each other and falling back into each other's arms. Seems nice, right? But what you'll really be doing is setting yourself up for another big letdown. Nothing has really been accomplished here, unless your man truly wants you back... instead of just wanting to see you.
Your goal here is to reestablish a relationship with your ex-boyfriend. Regaining contact is only the first step in that goal, and you need to recognize this. Move too fast and fall too hard, and you could wind up right back in the same situation two weeks from now. What you really want could be clouded by what you want right now, meaning that the desire to have him back in your arms immediately could override good reasoning. Don't step off the path to rebuilding your relationship just because you're reaching for a quick hookup.
Emailing and Text-Messaging
In today's world, either of these things can easily take the place of the standard phone call. In fact, many men trying to reconnect with an ex-girlfriend will choose one of these mediums over actually calling you up. Why? Because it's easier for them. Sending you a "what's up?" email is a lot more casual than a phone call, and your ex doesn't have to go out on such a big limb.
When your ex-boyfriend tries to reconnect with you electronically, you should consider it somewhat of a copout. Make him call you. I'm not saying you should ignore his messages, but any response you give him through text or email should be short and non-committal. Tell him you're doing something, and he should call you later. Or ask if he's near a phone and tell him you'll call him instead.
Emailing, IMing, or texting back and forth can lead to miscommunication and even some stupid, childish back-and-forth games. Talking on the phone puts your ex in the disadvantageous position of not getting to carefully think about what he wants to say. Instead of formulating a calculated response, he has to talk more from the heart. It's always more honest. This is the stuff you want to hear... and you'll never get it through an email or a text message.
The Two Types of Ex-Lover Reunions - Temporary and Permanent
Your final objective should be to reconnect with your ex on a relationship-based level. You want your man back. But at the same time, it's very easy for you to fall victim to a half-assed reunion. Getting indications that your ex-boyfriend is thinking about you can be very exciting, but these signs need to be accompanied by a genuine desire for you as a girlfriend again. If that part's not there, he's not ready yet... and you shouldn't be either.
From a Man's Perspective
Calling an ex-girlfriend can be sticky, depending how your relationship ended. Sometimes you're just looking to bullshit a little, but they take it as a sign that you want to get back with them. There've been times I really missed an ex because we used to talk every day. I'd have things I just want to bounce off her. It's weird not to have someone around all of a sudden, but you've got to be careful with what you say. If you've broken up with a girl, she will analyze every single word of your conversation and try to apply it toward getting back together.
Other times you call because you're missing the sex. These calls are the most dangerous: you've got to be really careful you don't do or say anything the girl takes as a sign that you're back together. Some girls can handle it, but others will take the act of sleeping together as a firm indication that the relationship's back on - when it's clearly not.
When the call from your ex comes, try to set your emotions aside for a few minutes. Take his words at face value - nothing more, nothing less. Your boyfriend could just be lonely that night. He could be looking for some emotional reconciliation, or even some physical closeness. He might even want to sleep with you. While it's good that he's now thinking of you, the best way to make him want you back is to tread very lightly and not put too much emphasis on any one thing that gets said between you.
Things to Keep In Mind When Speaking With An Ex-Boyfriend
Be happy to hear from him, but maintain control over your emotions. In the first minute of the conversation, he'll have to explain why he called, so let him. Whatever his reason, accept it casually. Don't challenge him on it.
If your ex says he misses you, tell him something like: "Yeah, I definitely miss hanging out". You've just told him you miss being around him, but you haven't directly told him you miss him yet. Hold that in reserve for later.
He'll probably make a lot of small talk, so let him run with it. The more he makes, the more awkward he'll feel. Make your own small talk back, but don't get overly involved with it. You don't want to talk too much here... it's better to let your ex do most of the speaking.
If he asks what you've been up to, tell him. Don't make anything up or try to hide anything thinking he might be mad. Don't over-embellish anything either. If you were out with friends having fun, let him know.
Do NOT talk about your relationship. If he brings it up, try to stay quiet about it. If he presses, tell him simply that you "wish things didn't end the way they did". This unlocks the door to the relationship for him. It's not an open invite, but it's a sign he can try to press further. Best of all, you did it without pointing the finger of blame on either one of you.
No matter what happens, don't discuss the breakup. He may want to talk about some select things, point out others, maybe even apologize - save it for another time. Too much too fast is not good, and you want to keep things non-serious right now.
If all goes right, the conversation should be light-hearted and end on a good note. Tensions should ease on both sides of the phone, and it should feel good to speak to one another again. Your ex might try to end it while it's going well, and promise to call again soon (which he will). Or he might take it to the next level, asking if you'd like to meet him to 'talk about things'. If you're ready, politely accept.
But What if My Ex-Boyfriend Hasn't Called Me Yet?
Don't panic! It's possible that you've followed all of the five previous steps, but for some reason you haven't heard from your ex yet. Maybe he needs a bit more time, or maybe a bit more prodding.
Remember the #1 golden rule here: The more knowledge you have, the better your chances. For example, pick one of the first restaurants you both went to together and had a great time. Then shoot him a quick email telling him you ate there a few nights ago and thought of him. And oh yeah, how's he doing? This is a simple and non-threatening method to initiate the most casual contact, but at the same time it subtly demands a friendly response from him. You can spin off a phone call from there. This is just one example of ways you can reestablish contact with your ex boyfriend.
Step 6: The Reunion Date: Working Toward Getting Back Together
If you've reached this point, great job! You're well on your way toward winning back your boyfriend. Meeting back up for a date, no matter how big or small it may be, is a major stepping stone in your quest to rekindle your relationship. And just as with all the other steps, you need to know how to handle it correctly.
This type of reunion is essentially your 'second' first date, and in general it should be treated a lot like any first date would. Hopefully your ex picks somewhere light and casual. If he asks your input, you should suggest something along those lines. Coffee, a meal, maybe even a movie afterward - something in a neutral place where the two of you can kick back and catch up on the things you've missed in each other's lives during the period of your breakup. If possible, pick someplace new. You want to keep this meeting free from the heaviness of your past relationship, because (for now) you want to avoid talking about your breakup.
Steer Clear of Anything Serious
One of the things you both miss most is just being around each other. If you'd dated a while, you took lots of little daily things for granted. These feelings will surface when you meet back up, and both of you should fall back into some happy conversation fairly quickly. Enjoy it. Keep your conversation light and fun, and try to stay away from the circumstances surrounding your break up. If you missed him, tell him. Also tell him why. Try to concentrate on the things that made you a great couple, and then expound upon those things. More likely than not, he'll be reciprocating the same types of feelings for you. Coming back together after a break up is almost like coming out of a long and hard punishment: the both of you should feel happy and relieved to be together again. The comfort level should be high, and you should be talking casually about anything and everything... except for the things that happened between you to mess things up.
From a Man's Perspective
There's lots of times I'd want to ask an ex back out, but I was afraid of starting up the same old fights again. I'd kind of miss her, and just want to have fun with her... but the girl's been stewing for a long time about what she should've said or done at the end of the breakup. She's got tons of stuff that's been building up, and it all comes out at once. Weeks and months' worth of stuff.
Girls are different from guys in that respect: girls never forget. And they won't ever let you forget either. That always leads to more fighting. In most cases it's just not worth it.
Figuring Out Which Type of Date You're On
Once you're finally sitting down with your ex-boyfriend, you'll need to understand exactly what kind of date you've been asked on. He's asked you here for a reason, and it's probably not to share a few drinks or a meal with him. To determine his intentions, you've got to read him correctly. Do a lot of listening. Don't interrupt him often, and let him finish his thoughts or sentences. He probably has some stuff to say, but needs to work up to it.
The Unnaturally Friendly Date
In getting back together, some guys are a little slow to pick things up exactly where the two of you left off. They might be standoffish, distant, and maybe a little reserved. Their actions will be the same way - your date will seem more like hanging out with a friend than a boyfriend. This is the friendly date.
Don't be too upset if your meeting turns out like this. The friendly date is usually the precursor to a much more serious get together. Stay cool and amiable here, but also maintain a little distance of your own. It's very possible your ex is prodding you to see whether you still have feelings for him, and will reciprocate only once he sees those emotions are still there. You can express that you miss him, but don't put all your cards on the table if he's only showing you one or two of his. Eventually, if he really misses you as much as you miss him, he's going to open up to you. For some guys, this process is a little more gradual than others.
The Potential Hookup
Face it, guys are very sexual and primal beings. Once you've been intimate with a man, he'll always see you as a potential lover. Distance won't matter. Time won't matter. You'll eternally be viewed as someone he's slept with, and therefore - if the circumstances were right - he could sleep with again.
Don't be blind to this possibility. Your ex may be lonely, and has asked you out in order to test out the sexual chemistry (and boundaries) between the two of you. In short, maybe he wants to hook up. This may or may not have anything to do with getting back together, but you need to understand the difference.
Emotional connections are felt on higher levels than physical ones. After being apart for so long, it's only natural for him to physically want to be with you again. It's just as natural for you to want the same sexual feelings for him as well. This type of chemistry is good, but it shouldn't take the place of him missing you as a girlfriend, a person, or even a friend. If the only reason he's there is to get his rocks off, he's not yet ready to renew a serious relationship with you.
The Emotional Reunion Date
This is the absolute best case scenario, and hopefully the way your first meeting will go. If your ex is fawning over you and trying to reconnect on an emotional level, reward him by opening up some of your own feelings for him. Let him know you've been thinking of him, but keep your guard up. Don't let the conversation take a turn toward anything too serious. For this first meeting, you should both just be enjoying each other's company again.
If your ex makes any attempts to apologize, gently place your fingers over his lips to shush him. As much as you've been waiting to hear these words, skip out on any serious talks for now. You'll have plenty of time later on to reconcile things, and if you're smart you'll also let more than a few things go. This will strengthen any new relationship you build with your boyfriend. Remember, you can't build on broken framework - you need to tear everything down and rebuild from the foundation up. It's the only good recipe for a solid relationship.
Pay attention to your ex-boyfriend throughout your meeting. Turn your phone off, so you can concentrate fully on him. If he's trying to tell you something, let him. But if not, just enjoy hanging out again. Winning back an ex requires patience, so don't push too hard. Odds are good the date will end very innocently, the way most first dates end. Let it happen that way. Leaving on a good note will ensure another meeting, and most likely another few after that. As you once again get comfortable with each other, you can begin trying to reconcile a new relationship.
Recognizing the Signs That Your Ex Is Ready to Reconcile
Throughout the entire time you spend together, one thing you should be doing is looking for signs that your ex-boyfriend is prepared to begin the reconciliation process. His mannerisms, his words, the very way he speaks to you: all of these things can give off clues that you still hold a very special place in his heart. Look for and learn the telltale signs that your ex is ready to move forward and repair your relationship.
No matter what he says or does, there are little things he'll do that are simply beyond his control. Knowing about them is important, because it can give you a distinct advantage when you move on to the next phase of rebuilding your future.
Step 7: Rebuilding a New Relationship From The Ground Up
Unless your reunion date was a total disaster, it probably ended on a high note. You had a great time together, and you both tasted some of the original magic and sweetness that your relationship once had. Although nothing was officially resolved, you're probably eager to see each other again.
There's a good chance you're at the beginning of a new relationship with your ex. There still may be some lingering friend-type interaction, but if you played your cards right there should be some real romantic potential. This budding new romance is very fragile. It should be treated like a glowing ember: given enough fuel (positive contact) and oxygen (room to breathe), it can grow into a roaring fire. This will be your new relationship.
Make New Plans and Go New Places
An extremely easy thing to do at this point is to fall back into the same old relationship patterns. Whether you realize it or not, the two of you had a past routine that you followed together. Reliving this pattern could put you both in the same mental funk you were in when you broke up. In order to make a fresh start, you need to go new places and you need to do new things.
Steer clear of your old haunts for a while. Check out some new restaurants, hit some new places the two of you have never been together. Sit down with your ex and plan out some cool stuff together - it further strengthens your bond and it's something completely innocent you can share with each other. And if things are going well, why not plan a trip all by yourself that you know he'll like? Building any relationship takes time, but building a new one requires fresh places and activities.
Be Ready To Talk When The Time Is Right
After a while, the elephant in the room will get a little too big to ignore. The subject of your breakup has been avoided until now, but there will be a point you won't be able to move forward until it's addressed. This is the last remnant of your old relationship that needs to be torn down. Once you can put this to bed, the both of you can concentrate on the new romance you've been laying the founding for.
This conversation is necessary, but don't let it spin out of control. Resolving your break up must be done extremely carefully, so that neither one of you places undo blame upon the other. You want to address the subject gingerly, make sure the both of you have your say, and then get out quickly before any new damage is done.
Tips For Talking To Your Ex About The Break Up
Be Yourself - You don't have to act like someone entirely different in order to get a fresh start. Contrary to popular belief, people can't "change" to suit other people's molds or needs. Your ex fell in love with you for who you are, so remember that.
Express Regret - No matter how it went down, you should express regret that your relationship ended. Explain to your ex that you've had time to think, and you see things from a much different perspective. Let him know you'd rather be together, and that on your end, you're willing to do what it takes to make the new relationship work.
Let It Go - Chances are most of your fighting was over stupid or insignificant little things that don't mean much of anything in your relationship. When arguments happen, people tend to make them much bigger than they really are. Leave all that stupid baby crap in the past where it belongs, and concentrate only on the main issues.
Don't Assign Blame - If you value a fresh start, you shouldn't dig up old wounds. Unless one of you cheated or did something equally bad, there's not much need for apologies. If he begins to apologize, stop him and tell him it's okay. You don't need that type of justification - you only think you do. People on both sides of a relationship get so wrapped up in who's right and who's wrong, they don't ever realize the damage this tit-for-tat bullshit does to their relationship. Recognize that, both for the past and the future.
Address Your Major Points - Be careful here. If you've got a major bone of contention to bring up, do it as gently and non-threateningly as possible. Let your ex know why it bothers you, and then ask him what he thinks. Listen to his response without interruption. And no matter what you do, only bring up things that really matter to you. If you act like someone handed you a microphone and start airing all of your little grievances, things will go bad very quickly. Pick only the major points you truly care about and leave the rest in the dust.
Invite Him To Talk To You - Your ex-boyfriend probably has a few things to say of his own, but remember that guys aren't always good at stuff like this. Gently ask him his opinions. If he doesn't want to talk about the circumstances surrounding your break up, let it go. But if he has a bone or two of his own to pick with you, you've really got to nod and listen. Let him get stuff off his own chest. If you can do this non-confrontationally and without arguing back, you might be surprised at what he has to say.
Your post-breakup talk should go smoothly and calmly. Neither one of you should get argumentative or raise your voice. If you see this happening, try to back it down a bit. It's been a long while since you've had a conversation like this, so there may be some important things to say. Get them out there, but also remember to listen. Don't spend too much time on any one thing, and don't argue any point to death. For 99% of the topics you cover, the best remedy is to just leave it in the past.
Once this talk is over, let it be over for good. Don't revisit this at a later time. Going back to re-examine any of these old topics won't make you feel any better, and there's a good chance it'll make things worse. Look forward, not back.
Forgiving & Forgetting - The Final Steps To Getting Back With An Ex
More than half of all reconciliations are doomed to failure because people refuse to follow these two simple rules. When someone dumps you, you feel wronged on all kinds of levels. So in getting back together, you may find yourself experiencing feelings of animosity toward your ex simply because he didn't have to go through that same type of pain. This is where the guilt begins. As soon as everything seems to be going well, some women lay heavy amounts of guilt on their boyfriend without even realizing why they're even doing it. And this is a really bad move.
From a Man's Perspective
When I get back together with someone, I just want things to be right again. But you can't do this with some girls, because they won't let go of the past. They want to keep persecuting you over and over for the things that you did before the break up.
They're sneaky about it too. They don't bring this stuff up until after you're back together. They act all loving and cool and like everything's great... and then suddenly they're heaping tons of guilt on you for stuff you did three months ago. I can't stand that. It's one of the biggest reasons why not to get back together. Guys can let sleeping dogs lie, but girls never, ever forget.
Once again, don't be this girl. If you're here reading this guide then you want to know how to get back an ex-boyfriend. Yet none of that matters if you're going to drive him away once you do get him back. If you really DO want to make up with your ex, then you're going to have to forgive him for whatever it is that he did. And if he wants a long-term relationship with you, he's going to have to forgive you as well.
How Do I Rebuild A Relationship If There's Been Cheating Involved?
The most solid building block of any relationship is trust. Cheating destroys trust, causing the rest of your romance to come tumbling down around the both of you. Many people consider cheating as the end-all deal breaker in their relationship. These types of people don't want their ex back, because they feel deep in their hearts that they'll never trust that person again.
If you're one of these people, there's not much to be done. But if your relationship is something you truly value and would like to work on despite one of you having cheated, there are ways to accept what happened and move forward. Identifying cheating isn't always easy, but once you have, you'll both need to accept things and move forward. If your boyfriend cheated on you, he owes you a long, heartfelt apology. You can't move on without that. But once that happens, you've got to begin the process of forgiving him and rebuilding your trust.
Of course, this won't happen overnight. But given time, it will happen. If your boyfriend keeps his vow never to cheat again, then you must keep your vow to leave the entire situation in the past. You can't bring it up whenever you feel like and beat him over the head with it. This will make you both feel angry, and will erode away at the trust you've been trying to rebuild. You might even already know couples like this. And if you think about them, you know in your heart that they'll never work out... because they never really forgave each other in the first place.
The Path To Real Happiness - Letting Go Of Anger And Resentment
If you don't think you can get over the things he's done, such as cheating on you or dating someone else while the two of you were broken up, then you really didn't want him back in the first place. Decide this before you even begin the reconciliation process. You cannot move forward creating a solid, loving relationship while still harboring anger and resentment toward the things your ex did in the past. Those feelings will tear down anything new that you try to build, and you'll drive yourself crazy trying to understand why your relationship suddenly sucks again.
But if you really want to make things work and can truly forgive, you should know that trust can eventually be reestablished. So many people spend their lives lamenting over yesterday, when they could be enjoying the experiences of today. Life's way too short to hold grudges. By moving forward and concentrating on your own h