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Last year I was in a relationship with a married man, which I am extremely shameful of. I am 20 years old and he was 36 with a couple of kids. I knew it was totally wrong when it first started with him wanting to take me to coffee at work (he was my boss), and he obviously knew I had little confidence and was suffering from depression, but I got wooed my his charms never the less.
Anyways, I soon found out his wife was pregnant and desperately tried to end it with him as I knew the relationship with him was a train crash waiting to happen, but every time I tried he kept calling me and wanting to see me, and silly me kept giving in.
To cut to the chase, I ended up falling head over heals in love with him (and he said he was in love with me too) and the whole affair lasted for a year, until I couldn’t live with the guilt, rejection and being second best, so I ended it. He got very upset, said he would never forget me and that he hoped we could still be friends. Until I found out he had started another affair with another work colleague of his.
It’s been months since I last spoke to him and ever since I found out that I actually wasn’t as special to him as he had said I just feel so used and angry. I feel like he used me to sleep with him and now I need to know how I can get over this. I’ve gotten to the point where I am obsessing over him and wishing I could run into him on the street just so I can tell him how hurt I am. I am trying to move on and have dated a couple of guys who are lovely but for some reason this is just eating me up inside. Luckily I have resisted every urge to call him and scream at him down the phone.
People have said that karma will get him one day, I just think it is so unfair that he is treating people he supposedly loves this way. I know that it’s his wife and not me that should be upset, but that still doesn’t take away the hurt and betrayal that I am feeling too.
I just wish I could get over it. It is so hard! Help! Trisha
Clyde says: I shudder to think of the feedback you’re going to get from other bloggers here. You might be lucky...it’s Christmas Eve so most of them are away.
You know, I feel for you. You've been lied to and betrayed. I’m even prepared to give you the benefit of the doubt about your motives and behavior because you were young when this affair started. You still are. Old enough to know better perhaps, but still young enough to be seduced by someone with more experience and charm.
There are things you can do about the way you feel. You can ring him up (I’m assuming you no longer work for him) and tell him you want a meeting. You could even threaten him with disclosure if he doesn’t come along. You can get him down to a bar or restaurant and thrash it out with him - make it clear you think the way he behaved was abominable.
But is that really what you want? Will it really give you any closure when he tries to deny the other affair, or gives you a sob story about how he really loved you all along? This bloke is not trustworthy and anything he says to you will simply be an attempt to head off disaster and the possibility of you turning Fatal Attraction on him.
I think you should be grateful he is out of your life and grateful you have had the chance to learn such a pertinent life lesson. The pain you are feeling should give you an inkling of what your bosses wife would feel if she knew about his affair.
While you feel angry and resentful, your former boss is not wholly to blame. You must accept you made the decision to have an affair with a married man - that comes with consequences.
You also decided to trust a man who was already showing you he was untrustworthy - by cheating on his wife. People’s consistent behavior is usually the best indicator of the type of people they are. You stupidly expected fidelity from a man actively demonstrating he didn’t know the meaning.
In time the hurtful feelings will go away. Try writing letters and burning them. Try visualizing those bad feelings as a bundle or sack that you lock in a trunk and then launch into the sky with balloons....never to be seen again. These sort of techniques can help over time.
It might also be worthwhile seeing a counselor; someone independent who will give you the time and space to let out your feelings of betrayal. Try someone who specializes in NLP; this might prove more helpful than other modalities.
Try to learn from this experience and remember your actions and behavior are the measure of who you are. You don’t need to stew in purgatory forever for this lapse in judgment but you do need to recognize it as a path you will never take again.