A daughter may outgrow your lap, but she will never outgrow your heart

Published on by CMe


Of the two important pillars of a family a mother has a close and tight relationship with her children. She has carried them in her womb for quite a long time. And once they are born she spends even longer time nursing them. And these reasons and many more makes a mother to be revered as a goddess by her children at an early age. Compassion, love and caring are necessary for strengthening the bond between herself and her children. Up until the age of five a daughter will have a very amiable and close relationship with her mother. She idolized her to the extent that she will do things to imitate her in every respect
But that won't hold once she gets to the age of thirteen. Because by then the mother is seen as someone who keep exercising limiting rules, who nags her daughter more than is necessary, is unnecessarily and overly worrisome and a creature that keeps barring her child from freeing herself  and enjoying life. She suddenly starts to be looked at as the demon whom the daughter can not keep away for the sole reason because she has to depend on her mother for her needs.
And when the daughter gets to the age of mid twenties and of her thirties she will start to turn around and seek her mothers love and advice. If she is lucky and the bond has not been severed badly in past interactions with her mother, things can easily get back to being the way they were. But if she has done an un-repairable damage to the relationship then she might find it hard to get back to being on level terms with her mother or worse, lose the connection for good.
In any society mothers are seen as life givers and the most important teachers of survival skills. Any societies faith rests on mothers for bringing up children that are productive and can contribute positively to its development. Children learn the basic survival skills largely from their mothers. Mothers create the immediate link to the outside world for daughters and sons alike.
As there are rosy stories out there concerning interactions between mothers and daughters there are gloomy ones too. Some girls when asked will reply that they had established and nurtured through the years the positive bond between themselves and their mothers. But many still will tell a completely different story. For the latter group of daughters the main culprit seems to be that of losing recognition for their independence by their mothers and lack of room to choose what they want to be in life. The most important question being will the mother recognize her daughters independence and freedom to decide on her own or will she continue to try and dictate to her daughter how she should run her life? How the mother answers this question will decide the k,ind of relationship she will enjoy with her daughter. And it is the single, most common reason for bad relationships growing between a mother and her daughter.
So a bad and tattering relationship between a mother and a daughter will be aggravated and usually will grow to become so when the daughter suspects her mother does not trust her to lead her own life and is constantly bothering her to do this and that. She - the daughter - will think her mother is trying to control her life and will try to make a stop to all that by rebelling and sometimes  doing exactly what her mother told her not to - even though she will get hurt in the end. This means a daughter will sacrifice her well being just  to show to her mother that she is an adult and can do anything and everything she likes. In such mother-daughter relationship the two women won't even listen to each other. The mother will think her daughter is disrespectful and rebellious while the daughter will think her mother is an overly controlling maniac and she might even convince herself there is no point trying to win her trust at all.

Suppressed anger and hurt - blocks to a good interaction between mothers and daughters.
Anger welled up in a daughter's heart and one that is boiling in  the mother's bosom is a very challenging factor to a mother-daughter relationship. It is a known fact that for any relationship to thrive and get stronger one thing that is highly needed is dialog. A relationship will start to wither and die once the participants keep welling all the anger and bad feelings inside or when the participants have little time and/or opportunities to talk matters over.

Such anger and bad feelings that had been accumulating in both the parties (mother and daughter) will open the door for an unhealthy interactions to take hold. Because of this fact the two parties might not be willing to talk to resolve the matter that were hushed a  long time ago. But the one thing that daughters should understand is that their mothers do love and adore them, while mothers on the other hand should understand their daughters desire to have a constructive and close relationship with them.
If there is total break down of verbal communications between mothers and daughters for some rift then that should be resolved through dialog in written form. Forgetting who is  to blame for leading the relationship down to, both parties should sit down and write how they feel about each other. E-mails might be a nice and easy way to do that. Usually such moves will restore the childhood interactions mothers and daughters enjoyed. Talking is essentially the best remedy for such a break down of a good mother-daughter relationship because of lack of proper dialog.

Mothers should look into themselves and understand who they really are.
No body can essentially say there is a mother in the whole wide world who would not love to support and be a friend to her daughter/s. But a mother who does not have a clear understanding of who she is will find it hard to understand her daughters need and act accordingly. Many mothers feel confused of what their daughters are like and mostly spend too much time worrying about how their daughter will turn out to be when she grows up.
The mother should consider looking into herself and ask who she really is and understand herself. Daughters will take clear cues from their mothers as to how they should behave and model their self. A confident and self-aware mother will pave the right way for her daughter to idolize her. The mother will have a chance to be a great friend to her daughter and hopefully lead by example.

The fear of daughters growing up to be like their mothers.
In the past it was that daughters worry growing up to become exactly like their mothers. The reasons vary from not liking being overly cautious in life to totally hating whatever mothers did in their daughters life. There even were a term coined for such a behavior exercised by daughters. It was Matrophobia.
But that has changed greatly nowadays. Back then - in the old days - there used to be a huge problem of rivalry between mothers and their daughters. Both parties were cautious in what they divulge to each other, there were high flying tensions between them and most crucial of all total misunderstanding.
That has changed a lot in recent times. Right now the majority of daughters out there are highly open  and communicative to their mothers at all levels. Their interactions with their mothers seems to be comfy and full of understanding.
The reason for such a dramatic change might be because in most families mothers are working and daughters get the sense to respect and see them as their role model. So what used to be a no-go zone for daughters in their search for role models is now a common and probably the first to get considered by daughters.
And to bolster the relationship between a daughter and herself a mother should  find the time to enjoy some activity both will find entertaining and help to strengthen the mother-daughter relationship. Any activity should help in attaining the level of positive interactions between mothers and daughters.

Granting independence and freedom.
Mothers and daughters should understand each others need to become independent thinkers. A mother should give her daughter the freedom and support necessary to choose whoever she wants to be in life and to develop her own personality. Although mothers should help in setting the right path for their daughters to take, they should not impinge on the alienable freedom of their daughters to seek their own self. A girl should be encouraged to look into herself to find out who she really is and her mother should support her in her endeavors.
As it is necessary for a daughter to seek freedom it is also necessary for her daughter to understand her mothers need to be herself. When girls reach their adolescent they should recognize their mothers identity and try to  fit in instead of expecting or trying very hard to change her mother. After all her mother is who she is because she had the liberty to choose whomever she wants to be when she was a little girl.
Mothers should grant their daughters complete rein in deciding which ever way to take in life as long as her daughters understand the advantage and disadvantage of it. But the decision which way to go should lie squarely on her daughters themselves. The mother's job is only to teach her daughters how to be independent and how to develop a mighty will to surmount obstacles they might face in life. The rest should be left to her daughters to decide.

Some mother-daughter relationship types.
According to the kind and form of interactions that take hold between mothers and daughters we can broadly come up with five different relationship types.

Friendship based interactions between mothers and daughters.  
Probably the best and most valued mother-daughter relationship is the friendship kind. Such friendship based interactions between a mother and her daughter is less susceptible to tension and misunderstanding and there will be a lot of room for dialog rather than that of rushing to enforce authority. Both parties share their secrets freely between themselves and girls raised with such an interaction with their mothers tend to grow up to be confident and strong willed.
The only drawback here is that the daughter will not always be interested in having only a friend. She seeks her parents too. This is specially true when girls grow up to become adults themselves and had to go through all the things that their mothers had gone through. At such moments the daughter will seek a mother who can teach her and help her cope with the changes rather than a person who just wants to be her friend. After all at that age the daughter will have as many supporting friends out there. So mothers should find a balance between being friends with her daughters and being a parent.
For such friendship between mothers and daughters to hold fast both should acknowledge the generation gap. Forgetting this will make clashes and misunderstandings to surface to the top in due time.

Sisterhood based mother-daughter relationship.
A relationship and interaction between a mother and a daughter that tilts favorably towards sisterhood will  comprise some of the qualities that are to be found in the friendship kind while also adding characteristics that are unique to sisterhood. Although the bond between a mother and a daughter is not manifested as strongly as in the friendship kind of relationship, without losing touch of the warmth of love to each other they may indeed add competitiveness into the relationship. Any sisterly relationship is characterized by rivalry and competitiveness. But that is not a negative thing altogether. In fact it is positive in that the mother and daughter are idolizing each other so much they want to copy each other. And that competition to outpace the other creates the needed stamina to really know each other better.
Such a relationship between mothers and daughters should be dealt with delicately. As the relationship is based on that of being one that imitates sisterhood, the competition might create frictions between the mother and daughter. Quarreling and resentment might be the norm of the day. After all the world is wide open for the daughter than for the mother. Unless the mother concede that and know how to limit her competitive touch, the mother-daughter relationship won't be as enjoyable as it should be but things might aggravate to force a separation between the two parties.
The mother and daughter should tone down the competition. One way to do that will be to understand the thing the other is fiercely competitive about and trying to be helpful in that respect rather than fanning the competition further. And if things get a bit more serious and the relationship is in danger of jeopardy then try talking about it and starting anew.

Diverging personalities and characters.
The personality traits of the daughter and mother is not complementary. Instead it is the kind that is goes wide apart in scope that most of the time there is no appreciation between the mother and daughter. The daughter thinks her mother is all too harsh and always contrary to her while the mother believes her daughter is disrespectful and totally out of control.
Such a mother-daughter relationship is good for the reason that the mother tend to do what she has to in order to make sure her daughter is protected. Whatever she employ is solely based on fulfilling her responsibility of helping her siblings survive the harsh competition of the world around them. And for that reason the mother may see things from a different and wise angle than that of her daughter.
But such a relationship might get to become so unbearable to both parties when the daughter is at an adult age and the mother is still trying to control her. When the mother feels neglected and not taken seriously she reacts by scolding her daughter verbally and that will force the daughter to stand on the defensive side. And such an interaction is sure to create conflicts.
The best way to negotiate a sisterly interaction between a mother and a daughter is for the daughter to really try hard to give her mother the chance to be heard. No matter how hard it is to accept the mother's advice listening to whatever she says with attention and working hard to understand where she is coming form will help in narrowing the gap of misunderstanding. Daughters should counter the mothers feeling of powerlessness and neglect by trying to listen to them - even when they do not agree with whatever they say.

Daughter taking up the role of the mother.
In such role changing interactions between a mother and her daughter, the daughter will flip over to take charge of her mothers role. Many factors might come into play in deciding why such interactions should come about between a mother and a daughter - health issues, societal customs, age, etc. Such an relationship will create the perfect environment for each party to enjoy each others role by making the daughter feel needed while mothers will have the sense of being loved and cared by their daughters.
The downside of such a relationship between a mother and a daughter lies in the problems that are inherent in conceding power and authority. Daughters will feel confused and at times tired of being demanded so much. Mothers on the other hand might feel over loved. And that may create a rift between the mother and daughter.
Improving relations between a mother and daughter in a role switching kind of relationship asks for an understanding from the  daughters side. The daughter should understand the fact that her mothers influence and power is waning and should try to get closer to her mother. She should talk to her mom more often about the values and great treasures her mother has bestowed on her. This way the daughter will convince her mother she is still valued. Seeking the mothers thoughts on different matters will add constructive energy to the relationship.

Total dependence on each other.
In such interactions between mothers and daughters each depend on each others opinion before doing anything. The mother expects her daughter to agree on a matter before taking decisions. Without her daughters consent she will do nothing. The daughter does the same too. Such relationship between a daughter and a mother has both a good and bad side.
The good side of such a relationship is that daughters measure their closeness by how much alike they are with their mothers. Each party believes the other to be a caliber to measure how much they agree with each other and where they actually diverge. When such relationships between a mother and a daughter is at its pick it is closer to being a romantic affair. They both are ion love with each other head over heels.
The bad side of such a relationship is boundaries will get blurred eventually. There is always that pressure to become on the same side of things as the other party. Seeking the others approval and agreement when there are diverging opinions between the two parties will create an immense pressure. And the culprit is that of the virtual absence of personal boundaries.
So as long as the boundaries are created slowly yet surly the relationship will have a better chance of surviving the storm and constant excruciating pain that is induced by worrying too much about the opinions of the other person. Each should learn to stand on her own two feet. The inherent behavior of such a relationship means it is ruled by fear of being abandoned by the other party. Each should try to understand the fact that each has her own life and some decisions should be made with out the involvement of the other party. Both parties should work very hard to break the cycle of fear of abandonment completely.

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